Bitter Heart

After crying her eyes out on her mother's lap and confiding in her, Chang felt rather worn out and hollow inside. Some things inside felt clearer, yet it felt like there was a bitter thorn stuck in her heart, thinking about Jian with another woman. Needing to mull by herself, Chang excused herself from her mother's chambers. 

Grabbing a cushion from Amira's sun room, Chang stashed the criminal photographs under a bed pillow. After having buried them away from herself so she would not keep going through them, she wandered out into the sunlit garden attached trying to find peace of mind. 

Shading her her eyes from the intense sun beams, Chang made her way to the water to find relief. The weather was always warm she had noted and a little balmy from the sea they were next to. Even at night the temperature never dipped below 60°F, a difference she was still getting used to. 

Sitting beside the large pool of water with the water lotus in it, she reclined there with her feet in the water. The bright little gold fish came and nibbled at her toes, causing her to giggle at the ticklish feeling. As soon as her smile came she felt it sour. Laying on her side she hugged a smaller cushion to her chest, trying to crush the painful feeling.

'Why does it hurt so bad?'

Chang had never been interested in dating as a teenager, and in fact had avoided the idea like the plague. When it came time for her to go to college, she had started to be interested, but had felt too awkward and self-conscious around the boys her age. Her friends had dated and fallen in love, but she had fallen in love with her romance novels, and in exploring nature with her dad.

'I wish you were here now Dad.'

Her Dad had always known what to say, and how to brighten things up. She took the small picture that her mother had given her out of the pouch on her waist.

Chang knew she should not carry it around with her at all times, as it might be lost or damaged, but she wanted to keep them near to her. Since her mother had given it to her, she had a bad feeling in her heart.

"Why do I feel like I'm the only one being kept in the dark about what's going on! What's going on with Jian and his Dad, what's up with Mom. Why have we even been brought here? I wish I was a more patient person like you Dad, or more like Mom and able to get the truth.. " Huffing Chang ranted to the smiling portrait until she started to fell silly.  Laying back while she clutched the pillow and photo to herself, Chang let loose a few frustrated tears. Letting the time slip past her as she tried not to dwell, Chang fell asleep. 

Following her last waking thoughts, she dreamed of her father and the last hiking trip they had taken together, right before her 20th birthday. 

He had taken to her a coastal Redwood forest about an hour north of their home. To her it had been a magical place with trees taller than she could see and wider than she could fit her arms across, with wisps of fog lingering through trees until the late afternoon. The whole place had had a spicy sweet smell to it from all the pine, cedar, and sequoia trees. Her Dad always took her to some of the most beautiful places in nature as it was one of the things he had believed was important to know. At a young age, he had shared with her his favorite quote from a famous artist.

"If you truly love nature, you will find beauty everywhere."

That statement had always stuck with her.

As they had hiked her father had asked her what she wanted to do for her life. While she had many dreams she did not have any idea of what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. It had felt like she had been floundering through college, unable to pick a major and worried about disappointing her parents with that. 

When her father had asked she was unable to hide her fears from her dad. Crying and stumbling over her words, she had felt like a complete failure to her parents expectations. As patient as he had always been, he had held her and listened. Holding her he had told her she would never be a failure in their eyes and erased all the fears she had built up in her own head one by one. 

Sitting with her, her father had told her to pick up whatever interested her the next semester, she would never know if she would love something until she tried it. Knowing what she was into, he had been the one to suggest she go into journalism. Chang had always loved reading, but had never tried writing before.

After their conversation that day, Chang started in that field finding a love she never knew she had. As she had getting close to graduation, her father had pulled a few strings from connections he had made over the years. What had started as an internship became the job she had when she met Jian. Looking back, Chang realized she might not have ever met Jian if not for her father's advice that day. 

Reliving the day in her mind, one of the last she had to enjoy with him, it felt more bittersweet than ever. As they had stopped to lunch on a stump, she had eaten her sandwich as her father peeled and cut up an apple for the two of them. Watching her dad as he worked, whistling a happy tune, he seemed almost brighter and more vivid than he ever had before. Taking in the details, Chang etched him into her memories, fearing ever forgetting anything about him. 

Moving closer Chang buried her face in her dad's shoulder. 

"Why did you leave us so early Dad, we still need you.." Whispering the words, Chang felt bitter tears prick at her eyes. 

As she huddled next to her father, she felt his hand move to her back and the heard his clear deep voice. 

"You know sweetie, I am always happy to see you, but I don't think I'm the one you are wanting to see at the moment."