Chapter Three: Forever

My head was throbbing madly the next morning when I woke up, but I still managed to get up early. All thanks to my alarm clock. It wasn't actually needed, but I kinda wanted some time to think about things, before our family gathering this lunch. After all, meeting my relatives was never an easy thing to do.

I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. "We're gonna visit you today, Dad. Ano kayang mararamdaman mo kapag nakita mo ulit ako?" A bitter smile crept across my face as I talk to myself.

Hanggang ngayon, ang hirap pa rin pala. Akala ko dati, habang tumatagal, mas dadali ang pagbisita kay Dad. Pero mali pala. Dahil habang tumatagal, mas lalo pa lang humihirap. For me, at least.

I wonder if Dad would be happy about our visit? Sabagay, hindi na rin nga pala siya makakareklamo kahit pa hindi niya magustuhan ang pagbisita namin.

I heaved a deep sigh, once again. God, I miss Dad so much.

* * *

Dahil sa magmumuni-muni ko, halos nakalimutan ko na ang magiging lakad namin. Kaya sa halip na marami pa akong oras, nauwi ako sa pagmamadali sa pagligo at pagbibihis.

Nang bumaba ako papunta sa kusina namin, nadatnan kong naroon na si Mommy, at mukhang kanina pa tapos kumain. Nakaupo lang siya sa sofa at parang may malalim na iniisip. She was never the talkative type, so seeing her like this is normal for me.

When I entered the dining area, Mom's eyes shifted from her glass of wine to me. Nagkatitigan kami. Ang malamig niyang mga titig ay para bang ginawa akong bato bato sa mismong kinatatayuan ko, pero 'di rin nagtagal ay siya na ang kusang nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin.

"Bilisan mo nang kumilos. Aalis na tayo maya-maya," utos niya nang hindi man lang ako nililingon.

Hindi ko na siya pinansin at nagluto na lang ng kakainin ko. Even without telling me, 'yon din naman ang gagawin ko dahil ayaw kong mahuli kami lalo na't mga kamag-anak ni Dad ang kikitain namin. Habang hinahanda ang kakainin ko, para bang parehas naming hindi nakikita ni Mom ang isa't isa dahil wala nang nagsalita sa amin. Nang matapos ako sa pagluluto, kusa nang umalis si Mom nang ilapag ko ang pagkain ko sa lamesa. Tuloy-tuloy siyang lumabas ng kusina nang hindi ako nililingon.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. "I don't have an infectious disease, yet she's treating me like I have one," bulong ko sa sarili.

This shouldn't be new to me, as well, but every time Mom acted like this, I still couldn't help but feel hurt. She is my mother, after all. Even if she never acted like one.

It took me about fifteen minutes to finish my food. Mom was already outside, waiting by the car, when I finished everything I had to do. Nang makita niya akong palabas na ng bahay, mabilis na siyang pumasok sa sasakyan namin, habang ako naman ay tumuloy na naglakad sa backseat matapos ikandado ang pinto ng bahay.

This will be a quiet and awkward drive, I thought to myself when I hoped inside the car. And it was.

Sa kalahating oras na byahe papunta kay Dad, ni hindi nagsalita si Mom. Napakatahimik ng buong kotse, at tanging paghinga lamang namin ang maririnig. Narinig ko lamang ang boses ng aking ina noong dumaan kami sa isang flower shop para bumili ng bulaklak, at pagkatapos noon ay wala na naman.

Which is why I was really glad that there's no traffic along the way, or I'd have to endure Mom's silent treatment for a bit longer.

When we arrived at our destination, I quickly climbed out of the car and ran towards where Daddy is. The sky is a bit cloudy, the fresh air blew softly against my skin. It's indeed a perfect day for a visit.

A smile quickly crept across my face when I saw my dad's name written in a beautiful script. Ricardo Vicente Luiz, is what is says. I sat down on the grass, and then carefully laid down the flowers that we bought earlier. They were small bouquets of white roses and stargazers, Dad's favorites.

"Hello, Daddy!" I said, while trying to keep my tears at bay. "It's been two years. . . I miss you."

From my bag, I took out the candles I brought with me. Maayos kong itinayo ang mga iyon, pagkatapos ay sinindihan nang isa-isa.

Today's Dad's second death anniversary, but it still feels fresh. Like everything just happened yesterday.

The wound is still there, the pain is still there, everything is still here inside me and is continuing to stay. Even the guilt that swallowed me, two years ago.

Bakit nga ba ang hirap kalimutan ng lahat?

"Serina, tumayo ka na. And'yan na ang mga kapatid ng daddy mo," Mom ordered in a cold tone, pulling me away from my thoughts.

I quickly stood up. Sa isang iglap, nakaramdam ako ng kaba at hindi maipaliwanag na takot. Nilibot ko ang aking paningin, at nakita nga sa 'di kalayuan ang mga kapatid ni Dad maging ang mga pinsan ko.

Simula nang pumanaw si Dad, naging tradisyon na ang pagpunta naming magkakamag-anak dito sa Memorial Park. Si Dad kasi ang panganay sa kanilang magkakapatid at siya halos ang nagtaguyod sa pamilya nila kaya ganoon na lang ang respeto ng mga kapatid niya sa kanya. Pero kahit na pangalawang beses na namin itong ginagawa, hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako sanay. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali sa tuwing makikita ko sila.

Nang makalapit, agad akong nag-angat ng paningin para makita ang mukha nilang lahat. Kompleto ang mga kapatid ni Dad na dumating; ang panganay na si Tita Nerissa, ang ikalawa na si Tita Cecil, ang bunso nilang si Tito Steve, kasama na rin ang mga anak nila.

Kahit pa kinakabahan, mabilis akong nagtungo kay Tita Cecil, na siyang pinakamalapit sa akin at kinuha ang kamay niya para magmano. Pero marahas niya itong binawi at itinago pa sa likod niya.

"You don't need to do that," she said in a cold tone.

I was shocked, to be honest, even though I kinda expected that. It still was a bitter experience for me, nonetheless. So I just nodded, kept my mouth shut and didn't approach any of our relatives, anymore. Hindi lang dahil sa ginawa ni Tita Cecil, pero dahil na rin sa lahat sila ay pare-parehas na ang titig sa akin. 'Yong titig na malamig at para bang gusto kang itaboy. Which is something that isn't new, as well.

Sanay ka na, hindi ba, Serina? a voice said at the back of my mind.

Tama. Sanay na ako.

"Elina, kanina pa kayo?" tanong ni Tita Nerissa kay Mommy.

Nilingon ko sila. Umiling si Mommy pagkatapos ay nakangiting sinabi, "Hindi, magkasunuran lang tayo. Kararating lang din namin."

Matapos iyon ay pinanood ko ang pag-akap nila, isa-isa. Ang mga pinsan ko ay nagmano at humalik din kay Mom, na mukhang ikinatuwa niya naman.

Tumango sila at itinuloy lang ang pag-uusap habang sabay-sabay na lumapit sa puntod ni Dad. Sumabay rin ang mga pinsan ko, malamang dahil wala rin sa kanila ang gustong maiwan dito sa tabi ko. Pero may isang nagpaiwan para samahan ako. Si Ice. . . Ice David Alfelor.

Despite his name, Ice is the most caring and thoughtful out of all my cousins. He's understanding, forgiving, and open-minded— personalities that I think he got from my grandfather's side, just like Daddy's. Sa lahat ng mga pinsan ko, siya na lang talaga ang lumalapit at kumakausap sa akin simula noong mamatay si Dad, kaya siya lang din ang malapit sa akin. He never judged me, and never thought bad of me. He played a big role when I was recovering from my father's death, and that's something that I will be grateful for, for as long as I live.

"Sorry about my mom," he said, talking about what Tita Cecil did.

I smiled, then muddled his already unruly brown hair. "It's okay, I'm used to it."

"It's not okay, Sel. She may not know that, but I do." His face has this concerned expression now. Ice never took his mom's side when it comes to these things, kaya alam kong siya ang nakokonsensya sa ginawa ni Tita Cecil.

Kaya ngumiti muli ako, ngayon ay mas malawak na para ipakita sa kanyang ayos lang sa ako. "Ayos lang talaga, Ice. You don't need to feel bad about it. Please, let's just forget about it," I said, trying hard to convince him that I wasn't hurt, or offended, at the very least.

But the truth is, I was. It still does hurt.

I still feel hurt every time Tita Cecil pushes me away. I still feel miserable whenever they won't talk to me. And I still feel like I'm alone every time I realize that Ice is the only one who cares about me.

Oo, sanay na ako. But it still sucks. My life sucks big time.

But I guess. . . All of these were my fault. Kabayaran siguro ito ng nagawa ko dati. And it's a price I'll have to pay, forever.