Chapter 3: A Light in The Dark

It is 1:30 A.M. . I stretch myself up , get into training attire , and start running laps around the compound , taking my mind off the thoughts although I have not even slept in the first place. As ironic as it sounds, it does not help much . I go back to my room , the warm water dribbling on my skin makes me uneasy because all this time , I always bathe in freezing cold water . So, I turn the temperature down to the lowest ,get out as fresh as possible , get into a set of casual attire and go to the kitchen and start preparing brekky for the others as a show of appreciation towards them .

Now, it is 7:34 A.M. . I am just finishing the final touch ups when Natasha comes down and stares at me at the doorway. "G'morning " she sleepily whispers as she slowly makes her way to me .I nod at her as a reply as I go around doing what I am supposed to . " Breakfast will be ready in a bit ." I announce as I wash my hands at the sink .All is going well , until I start seeing my hands are stained with fresh blood and it is dripping off like I have just done a manslaughter .

Although I have acknowledged it as hallucinations but the panic and guilt start to churn me up inside and I am scrubbing my hands intensively at the sink , trying to scrape off the blood off my hands which is still there no matter how hard I try . I can feel cold beads of sweat dripping on my neck and hear my heavy gasping for oxygen . "Shit ." is all I can think of saying as my mind race around in my skull , threatening to burst my head open . I can hear the voices of those that I killed in cold blood chanting over and over . " You will never be redeemed , you will never have mercy , you will pay the price with blood and death." , those voices keep chanting these words in my head and my eyes dart around to find the only solution that I , in my own opinion , think works the best , a knife .

I have not notice Yelena waltzing in as I am only focused on gasping for air , I can feel her hands wrapping around my back , pulling me away from the sink , sitting me down . "Nathasha !" I can hear her screaming out her name when she turns to me , her gaze straight into mine as I slowly calm myself down ." What's wrong ?" ,she asks with a worried look on her mug as I collect myself . " Sorry about that , just having a panic attack." I mumble as I look at Natasha running to us , a confused look on her face. "I can handle it myself , like how I always do ."I say as I watch the others piling in , some looking groggy , some looking wide awake . "Brekky is ready , help yourselves ." I announce as an attempt to change the subject .

Overall, they look excited when I whip out the dishes I made. "Great, I'm starving ." Tony mutters as he digs in with the others . Yelena casts me a worrying look but I dismiss it by nodding at her . "What are these? They taste like heaven ." Pietro says as he stuffs his mouth full, the rest are also nodding in . "Just something I remember ." I utter as a response as I look out towards the field . " For a renowned Dark Soldier and Fallen Archangel , you sure do have talents other than killing people in cold blood . " He sniggers without looking up. The last name hit me hard in the guts but I sarcastically throw in a " Well, I have to at least reward myself for the people I cold heartedly murdered" to hide the sudden feeling of guilt and anger . Wanda nudges him in the arm and looks at me apologetically . "No , really , it's fine ." I assure her with a smirk as I go into the training hall .

Once I close the door behind me and I am sure that no one is within the vicinity , I drop to my knees and cold beads of perspiration starts dripping down my forehead as I heave heavily from the pressure I keep within myself . I then hastily collect myself up and head towards a spacious empty spot , the feeling of anger towards myself getting hard to compress by the minute. In an attempt to clear my head, I do what I always do back in my cold, dark, humid cell , back when I was all alone , with no one to worry about me like how it is now , shadow training .

I am too busy throwing my fist into the air with moves that I learnt and developed over the years to even realize that they are done stuffing their stomachs to the brim and watching me in awe . "Oh , sorry , didn't see you there." I utter as I grab a towel and proceed to wipe off the beads of sweat dribbling down . " Oh, I'll get the dishes after this." I say as I realize that I forgot about the dish washing .Steve starts laughing ," Nah, don't worry about it , we have a automatic dishwasher here." . Confused , I tilt my head in awe with an awkward " What?" escaping from my lips. A few snickers are exchanged between Tony and Natasha while I am trying to wreck my brain to figure out if they are actually being serious or not . Yelena trots towards me , a smile on her face . " What ? Don't tell me you all are bloody serious ." annoyance are written over my face which scares Pietro and Bucky . "You have been locked down in there for such a long time ." Yelena guffaws as she lightly hit me in the shoulder , "Bet you know how advanced the tech is nowadays . . " Yes , I do know how advanced modern technology is , but I did not expect that people tend to make machines to do their housework ." I sigh in frustration , " At least not when I experience it first hand ." I quietly add . "What was that ?" Natasha questions as she waltz towards me . "Hmm, nothing ." I gesture with my hands up .

"C'mon , get in there." She points to the ring . " Wait , don't tell me you-" she cuts me off by saying "Yes , I'm gonna spar you . Now get your ass in there." she sniggers as she pushes me towards the ring . " I don't want to hurt you . " I warn her ," You all saw what I did with Stevie there , I'm too dangerous to spar with someone . " . No one is there to talk her out of it , as expected . I stand in the ring , she comes in from another direction . "Alright ," I thought to myself , " She is not an enemy , she is just a person who wants to have fun that's all" . My gaze are fixated on her when she dashes forward without any warning , " Ah , I forgot how fast she is ." my mind echoes the thought as I receive her blows . One after another ,I keep going on the defensive, not wanting to screw her over . "Why aren't you fighting back ?" She asks as she slows down , just as confused as anyone else. Huffing , I stare at her as a response . She seems to get my intentions , calmly , she says " It's fine , it's okay . Try hitting back , I can take a punch y'know." . Something inside me ticks off, he barges his way into my mind again .

" Kill them all."

"What ?" I take a step back , confused . Natasha is glued to the spot , seemingly confused and worried . "Kill them all , to prove you are not a weakling ." Dreykov ushers in my head . I stagger forwards , my head in a blur , " Get out of my head , wanker ." I growl as I stand in place , trying to regain control of my mind . Veins are popping out of my neck and face as I stand still, trying to fight the the Council's attempt of manipulating me .

"Fight him, Chris. You have to! " Wanda shouts from the crowd , who directly spin around to look at her .

"Get out of the ring , Natasha ." I softly growl , she steps back at the edge of the ring, a hand clasped over her mouth . " Our prized possession , you are ordered to return to us immediately !" Dreykov yells in my head ,which echoes in my brain sending waves of pain . I instantly drop to the ground , my eyes are bloodshot as I cough up blood , " I said , sod off, you obese slag ." I growl , knowing full well he can listen . The pain is meant for me to obey their orders , they would not be killing me as I am their most successful test subject unless they have another one surpassing or replicating me . " Very well then , activate code 0711." He announces . "No ." I seemingly whimper as I struggle to get him out of my head . Instantly , waves of pain on another level surges through me . With a yelp, I drop to the ground , my body convulsing due to the immense pain . "Don't come near me !" I yell at the top of my lungs as I spit out blood . " I can handle this ." I assure them as I start to yell in my head " Get. Out!" .He is gone , I heave heavily as I sit up and wiping the ring with a cloth .

"So , let's finish what we started , eh." I glance at Natasha , who is frozen in shock . " Are you okay?" She stammers as she looks at me from head to toe . " Yeah . Just let my guard down for a minute , givin' him a chance to mess with my head ." I say as I stand up patting myself on the shoulder . Without any hesitation , she darts towards me . I hold her down , but due to me afraid of hurting her , I loosen my grip and she tangles me up with her chokehold .

"Nice moves , Natasha , brilliant as always ." I commend as I walk away ." Why did you let go ?" I turn back , looking at her ." Why?" She demands while holding my arm, obviously refusing to let go . " I just don't feel like fighting you , I might kill you ." I whisper as I look at Yelena , who is walking towards us . I then leave them to their own and take a cold , icy bath . As the water dribbles down on me , to my own surprise, tears starts rolling down on my face too. " Pathetic , " I mumble , " You're pathetic , Chris.". Out of pure frustration , I punch the wall using only a bit of my strength , and the wall cracks a bit . " You couldn't even kill that fat bastard . You just volunteer to stay in this part of your life , shank."

It comes to me that is when the urge to protect them is even stronger . They are the light in my life of darkness , coldness , blood and deaths but I could not seem to find the proper time and words to tell them.