Gift (1)

Diana's long rumble feels very quiet for me. The bright school becomes the usual gloomy, uninteresting crowd-gathering activities. Although I stated that I'd start going to school again after a week of locking myself in the room, it's just different. Joseph and Diana are there, holding my hand and keep talking about something I don't even care. What's with this empty feeling, guilt? I saw Mrs. Dowle got murdered right in front of me, and I did exactly like the usual thing I do in every bloodbath, being a useless cunt.

Mother's punishment hit me hard. Mother seems to be as happy as dancing in the middle of a breezy meadow. Nowhere I found a slight guilt from her. She just smashed a big hammer to my hope and squashed it. When I prompted her about why did she do that to Mrs. Dowle, she just said it is punishment, and I should know better about her intention. Intention of what? Shooting a defenseless elderly? I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT WE CALL AS PUNISHMENT.

I slam the table. Diana spills her Starbucks coffee and glares. "Are you in your period or something? This is like, my favorite latte!" she yells. I ignore her yelling. I'm not entirely in the mood for being happy. Even I don't react when Joseph draws near Diana and me.

All in my head is the broken cassette of Mrs. Dowle and her family. Mother slaughtered them all, and I watched it all. Mother is vile and nasty, the sharp knife to Mr. Dowle's forehead, the bullet pierced through Simon's temple, and a bullet to Mrs. Dowle's forehead. Out of all people out there, she chose the kindest one.

"Andra…" the soft voice of Joseph subsides my anger. But I can't see him in the eye. Yes, of course, because he is so handsome and all, but I also lost my will of living. I just have ridden by guilt. What would he do if he knows that the girl she likes had an unthinkable secret? I bet he'd run and scream, like the bimbo in a thriller movie.

I sit on the chair with warm plain bread in my hand. No almond bread for now, or tomorrow, or forever. It reminds me of Mrs. Dowle and her freshly baked almond pie. Diana notices my silence from the beginning of the class until now. She pokes my cheek. "Are you there?" she says. I brush her finger off my cheek. I eat the plain bread without looking at her. I guess it'll just make her more curious, she pokes me again.

"WHAT?" I snapped.

"Eh, why are you gloomier today?" she asks. "I mean, you're always gloomy. But you're gloomier today."

"Nothing," I say. She squints at me.

"Do we need to get past this drama again?" she scorns. Again, I ignore her. "It's almost the July 25th. Which means?" Diana tilts her head and her upper body toward me. I glance at her and then let a big sigh.

"What?" I ask uninterested.

"Geez, Andra, you're so insensitive!" she pouts. "It's my birthday!" she shrieks excitedly.

"Oh…"

"I'd like to have a new phone from my dad," she takes her phone out. "This is an old phone, I bought I six months ago, and it's already outdated!" She says. I roll my eyes, I have this ugly flip phone for years, and it's still working perfectly.

"Good for you," I say shortly.

"What will you give to me?"

"Who? Me?" I point at myself, dumbfounded.

"Duh…"

"I'll give you something," I say. Honestly, I won't give anything. She'll forget about it later. I look at the overly excited Diana. How vast the difference between us, she is surrounded by flowers in a beautiful garden with her parents. But I stuck with in a stinky, dirty swamp, with a bloodthirsty monster.

Only if could steal that smile, put it in my mouth and overlaying my grief. No, only if I can get her life, beautiful life. I can hug my dad, visiting grandma, be close to my mom, and get everything I want. Life is unfair, and it's my right to be jealous of her. How much she resembles my old self. I guess that's the reason why I can be close to her. I always look at my past when I talk to her.

****

Mother said she couldn't pick me up again, which gladdens me a bit. I walk through the long route as usual. The breeze of the dusk caresses me like a week ago. I imagine Joseph comes with his scooter, offering a ride and I can smell his perfume. He said he has an extra study after school, but he still offers me a ride. I don't want to be a clingy bitch to him. Hell, I don't even have any relation with him, yet.

The blue house is surrounded by police and white-coated men analyzing and searching any evidence. One of them approach me, then stares at me with suspicious eyes. Turns out, he just shoos me away. I immediately left the scene and not looking back. I'm afraid my guilt will make me look like a possible suspect.

I do my usual chore, cook dinner, and check Alska's homework and much more. The plastic wrap still covers the sofa really well. I don't have any intention to remove it, for now, there is still a chance that another victim will fall, mother got all crazy, and the movie roll begins playing another real-life thriller movie.

Alska has been bugging me about a new doll. She wants a new kitten doll like usual, but I zip my mouth and pretend nothing happened. I don't have the heart to say that she won't get a new kitten doll. I only answer it with. "She is still busy, she will make one later." I know, it's a total lie, but what should I say to a six years old kid? Telling that her mother is a psycho bitch that murdered a loving old lady?

Why does killing this old lady is any different with slaughtering another sheep? Mrs. Dowle is just different… maybe for me. Probably, Alska won't give a single shit if this old lady dies in the hand of her mom. She will eventually know the truth, but not from my breath, not from my whisper.

I do my homework like usual. I watch over Alska as she plays with Mrs. Branna and her other kitten dolls. She says a funny line, like 'Mrs. Branna is the kindest! She has kittens.' And 'Mrs. Branna wants her children to play with fork!'

Well, as long as she doesn't harm herself or showing some weird behavior, I don't think I need to beat her again. I love my sister after all. Even though, she is kind of… peculiar compared to other kids I've seen before. But that's because of mother's teaching, at least I protect her from any graphic activities around the house.

The message in my flip phone destroys my concentration. I pick it up immediately, who knows it might be Joseph. I mean, if there is any important news, I can always be updated. Not because I want to chat with him.

Bummer, it's mother. I open the message.

'Don't unwrap the sofa.'

My hand freezes, like my mind. I thought Mother already satiate her hunger when she murdered Mrs. Dowle. I know what would happen next, and I have an awful feeling about it. My finger is moving freely around the keypad. I text her, asking her not doing anything again, but I stop my hand on the send button, try hard not to click it.

I shouldn't fight her, silly me for trying to fight a monster. I don't want another punishment. I don't want to feel the pain again. I delete it all and choose to make sure that the plastic wrap around the sofa and carpet is still tight, so there won't be any drop of blood in there. Alska looks at me, curious.

"Is there any new guest? I want! I want to talk to him!" she chirps. I stop my hand from checking the plastic wrap. I glance at my sister, pitied her for not knowing what is it to be a human with soul. I approach her with a gentle smile. I pat her head. Which she curiously asks me. "What is it, Big Andra?"

"Nothing," I answer.

"Eh?" she tilts her head.

"Alska, I want you to sleep earlier."

"But I still want to play!" she refuses. "Mom hasn't come back yet!"

"Please, I will make a give you some of my kitten dolls collection tomorrow," I say. A simple nod comes from her. She packs all of her toys and saying a good night before closing her door. I can hear the door has been locked. Now, if something happens, I can save Alska from watching any real life gore. Even though mother had done few of her killings in the house, I've always force Alska to stay in her room, even locking her from outside. I have to make sure she won't see it within her very own eyes.

I wait nervously in the living room. I sit near the front door, waiting for a half-naked woman who drags a dead body. So long as three hours, I wait, while doing nothing other than flipping my phone countless times. I hear a noise of a car… no, two cars approaching the house. I peek from the curtain, silhouettes of a man and woman. I know one of them is mother, but who is the other one?

The voices blend within each other, small talks, flirtatious with loving gesture filling their chat. When their body hit the light, I see who they are. Mother and a person I know. It's the one I thought would never cheat, nor making any sexual gesture to another woman except his wife, the ugly, yet beautiful wife, Mrs. Rothe.

'No… not again.' I instantly struck by a nightmare, but then regaining my consciousness when I hear a sound of mating lips.

I run to the second floor, hiding upstairs. Mother opens the door with a spare key. She closes the door with her heels, while both share a passionate kiss. I watch it from afar. My heart is poured with ice-cold of misfortune. Why did he share a passionate, lustful, lip-biting kiss with another woman except for his wife? Does the woman he hugs now able to beat the beauty of the kindhearted woman he have? I thought he is much more than that.

Every kiss they shared, every drop of saliva, it's all just another misfortune, just another misfortune me. I want to prevent this. But who am I? I'm just a useless prick. I remember what she did to Mrs. Dowle. How malicious she was. How pleasantly she was, to shoot a defenceless elderly.

This is not the thriller movie that I expected. I expect a thriller movie, slash—slash—slash and dead. Why there is a drama added to this one. The man kisses this woman, passionately, wanting to go down the neck. Although, the woman also caresses the man's face passionately, there is no sign of love in her eyes. Just another beautifully decorated mask she polished daily. I watch it all with pool of tears in my eyes, but I wipe it.

There are countless possibilities of his death. But I'm trying to search one miracle of him surviving and never coming back. Fortunately, a miracle did happen now. Mother stops his lover from going further, leaving him disappointed.

"Why?" he asks impatiently.

"Not now, I want to give you a surprise later," she replies. He rolled his eyes. "What surprises? Like my shitty daughter's gift?"

"Oh, Dan, just a day. You can't be this childish," says mother.

"Fine." He says while buttoning his shirt. "This keep the whole family together thing is exhausting."

Exhausting? What's so exhausting about it?

Mr. Rothe kisses mother's lips, gently pressing it and letting it go after a while. He opens the front door, and I can hear the sound of a car driving away from home. Mother glares at my hiding spot because she knows that I'm here, like usual.

"You can come out Andra," she calls. I emerge from my hiding. I walk downstairs. I see mother washes her lips with a wet tissue. I know that she hates a kiss from a cheater. She smiles with her washed-out lipstick. Her malicious smile, the one that I hate and I feared.

"Please, mother…"

"Pitying someone again?" she asks.

"No, I—"

"You haven't learned your lesson, do you?" she asks again. I stop my mouth from uttering a word. If what she remarks as a lesson is the murder before. I can't deny that I haven't found any lesson from it.

"Why him…" I mutter. I'm too scared to even look at her eyes. She chuckles.

"Well, I just haven't had any fun for a while." she replies short.

"But, you had murdered Mrs. Dowle and her son, isn't that enough?"

"That's not my kind of fun. It was your punishment for being a little prick," she replies again, pressing my confidence to the lowest point. "Well, I'm tired, need a bath. He is disgusting. You know, his jerky-manshit smell is dangling all over my body."

I want to say more. I want to bravely say no to her and prevent bad things happened to that man and his family. My lips open out of reflex, and I quickly shut it again. Mother glances at me, she grins. "You only have one day for her," she chuckles.

She leaves me feeling hopeless. The one and only girl I befriended with, and I only have one day to spend with her? What's the point of keeping him alive now, if she'll kill him later? She just gives me a hope and destroys me to oblivion. I walk away from the soon-to-be crime scene. I sit on my bed, thinking about any way to save the cheater from his demise. No, it's to save my friend from her demise.

The more I think about it the more I feel powerless against her. I wish a miracle would happen again and he'll be saved. But miracle is such a fallacy, a poison that slowly ticks and drains your hope to nothingness.

I just need to admit that, I couldn't do anything about it. I need to move on and let mother murders her prey like usual.

The night has never been kind to me, it's filled with nightmare, and my heartbeat keeps me awake for a while. I can feel the countdown, the moment when Mother will end everything. I can imagine Diana sad face and the fact that I will lose my precious friend. How much am I able to keep this torture. I despise mother, but my leg will always stagger when I see her polished evil act. I just need to know my place.