My story

My name is Emily and this is my story, it is not one of joy or love. It is one about change and acceptance. My life has been one of pain, humiliation and growth. I am who i am today because of what i have been through. This is my story that i tell time and time again. To inspire them and let them know that no matter what they go through they will come out stronger. I am not young, nor am I old. In fact many still view me as a child but I don't care what they say. I will continue to tell my story.

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Truth be told I hate riding in the car alone with my mother. She uses it as a way to trap me because otherwise I would just walk away when she started saying offensive things. And I knew this car ride would be no difference, especially since after what we just saw in the store. As soon as I get into the car, I could feel the tension within me rising, wanting to defend them and myself; but instead I chicken out and don't saying anything. I let my head fall and clasp my hands into fists tight till I can feel the blood slowly dripping from my hands.

"Fucking gay people! Do they realize how disgusting they are?!" My mother let out a frustrated sigh before raising her voice further, "No one wants to see two fucking fagats holding hands!! Don't they know they are going to hell." The disgust in her tone of voice was enough to make anyone think that she had just saw the most disgusting thing in the world. "You know I alway tell you gays are going to hell, because of them I alway make sure to tell my religion students that. It's against God to have sexual relations with anyone of the same gender. It's one of the only sins that cannot be forgiven by God."

I stayed quiet for the entire car ride because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep calm once I said one thing. The second we turned onto our street a gust of relief flooded my heart and I felt all pressure go away, I knew the second that I got out of the car I would be safe. The second I got inside I would be able to hide from her and my real self. Thinking I would be safe, I un-clenched my fists and wiped my hands on my pants, thankful that they were black so you couldn't see the stain the blood left on them.

However, luck wasn't on my side. My mother pulled up in front of our house and my sister ran out to join us in the car. Once my sister got into the car my heart sank and I felt like I was suffocating, like all the air had been sucked out of the car and that this was my punishment. That this was my punishment for being gay. That I was going to have to live my entire life hiding who I was and constantly being told that I was going to hell by the one person who was supposed to love me and support me for who I am.

"I'm gay…" I said it so quietly even I could barely hear it, I took another deep breath and said it again "I'm gay." My head shot up as I gained confidence in what I was saying "I am gay. And if you don't like it too fucking bad! This is who I am and I am not going to change just for you. I'm tired of hiding who I am just because you don't like it. This is me! Love it or say goodbye to me." Without thinking I grabbed my bag and got out of the car, slamming the car door behind me, and running inside to the safety of my room.

The second my room door was shut I curled into a ball and burst into tears of joy and something else I had yet to realize; it felt so good to be free. It felt like I could do anything and everything that I wanted to. Like I could stand on the tallest tower or swim in the ocean and not be afraid.

The tears of unexplainable joy only lasted a few minutes until the reality of what I had said set in. I had said it. The thing that I had been hiding for years, I'd said it and now I had to run. Run where, I didn't know, but I knew I had to leave the place that had caged of my life.

I had to talk to someone -- I had to talk before the panic rising in my chest drowned me and dragged me down into its depths. I called the last person that I had talked to and that was my dad, it rang for only a second before he picked up. Just hearing his voice and knowing that he would accept me, made me cry harder then I had been earlier.

"Emily? What's up? Are you crying?" The concern that he held for me could be felt in his voice, "You're crying. Why the hell are you crying? What happened?!" He went silent for a moment, but to me that moment lasted forever. When he spoke again his tone was calm and caring, "Honey I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Emily, please talk to me." His voice broke when he said my name again, and I could just imagine him staring at me, his eyes wrinkled in concern silently begging me to talk to him.

"Daddy~ daddy I hurt so much I don't know what to do…" My dad. I loved him so much, he was the first person that I actually came out to and he loved me for it. The words that follow slipped from my lips all jumbled and barely understandable, "I told her that I was gay, then I ran away. I couldn't stand to face her. I was to scared too do it. God I must be such a disappointment to the both of-"

"You are and never will be a disappointment to me. I will always love you, and am so proud of you for finally being able to come out to her. You are the strongest, most beautiful person I know, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there for you during those hard times. You deserve to be happy Honey, you deserve the world, especially with everything that she has put you through." Affection rang throughout all of my dad's words, making my tears stop once I realized that he had said exactly what I had needed to hear.

"I love you daddy, thank you for loving me as I am. I'm not going to let her hurt me anymore, this is my life and I want to be happy. I want the world to see me as I am. I want to find love and show the world I'm no different than everyone else." I stood up off the floor feeling the joy that I had felt earlier and a newfound strength that I knew I didn't know I had.

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I pace inside the house and outside for about an hour before giving up and just sitting on the front steps, refusing to move until my mother came home. The spot that I sat held so much power for me, it held the strength to confront her and make her see that I am a person, a good person no matter who I loved. I ended up sitting in that spot for close to 4 hours before she finally came home.

The revulsion rolling off her, made me lose some of my strength, but I refused to lose courage. I stood and marched straight to her, "I am who I am. And I am not leaving. This is my home and I refuse to leave just because you don't like me. You can make my life even more of a hell, but I'm staying." She smirked before her face went to something a little less than hatred.

"You should have just ran away again. It would have been better for the both of us. However, since you didn't, I guess I'll let you live here." She stood in front of me her arms crossed, covering her like a shield, protecting her from my sickness as she likes to call it. "In case you care, I've been at church this entire time praying for your soul. I also talked to father, he said that I should accept you because you are my daughter. So I will." She glanced around her before lowering her voice and pointing at me, "However, if you ever do anything sinful like that in my house I will never talk to you or let you into my house again." With that she stormed inside and locked me out.

Shouting out, I jumped in a circle, throwing my arms around in the air letting my triumph take over my body. Seconds later I sank down to the floor, all the tension, anger and strength leaving my body, the only thing left that I had was joy. I had finally stood up to my mother and won a battle I never thought I would win. This battle would be the first of many that I won, but there will also be battles that I will lose, but now I know that no matter what happens with my mother I'll have the strength and determination to win and keep fighting for my freedom and what I believe.

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I tell my story of coming out as one of pride. It is not something i am ashamed of and it is not something i will ever hide again. No matter how many challenges life throws at you as long as you can get through them then you will be able to see the light of life. Challenges are thrown your way so you learn how to survive and make it in this harsh world we live in.

My wish is that no matter what you go through that you don't let it defeat you. Humans are resilient and grow to the challenge so please don't give in and end it just because it is hard. Fight it and become stronger and better then you ever thought you could be.

Dedicated to: All those that took their lives, all those that died to young and to all those who are struggling, you will get through it and flourish once you do.