My First Love
*TRIGGER WARNING* abuse is mentioned
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My first love is one that I will never forget. I will forever dream of her and yearn for her. Maybe eventually these feelings will fade and I will be able to move on. Even then I will still think of her and all that she taught me about love. She will never leave my head or heart but I hope that she will be happy with someone else. I hope that she will find someone who will truly treat her as she deserves. Even with all these hopes for her I will forever consider her to be one of my soulmates.
She is someone who always made me happy and still does, even just a thought of her makes me smile and wish that I could go back and treat her better. Although our love story is not one that will be remembered by anyone other than us, I think it is one for the ages. One that crosses distance and time.
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It all started in a chat on an app meant for roleplaying. On this app is where we first met, we were introduced to each other through a mutual friend. Within minutes of meeting we clicked. We could make jokes that only we would laugh at. And as this was a roleplaying app we instantly started roleplaying together, her as Jimin and me as yoongi from BTS.
Thinking back it almost seems fake at how quickly we connected. In just days we had become the best of friends, texting as often as we could and quickly falling for each other. It was just a week or two of talking to her that I knew I liked her, which was insane for me because before her I had only ever liked one person.
I wanted to know everything about her, so I could do my best to impress her and flirt with her. Thinking back on it now I was a foolish 16 who was willing to give everything I had to impress the person liked. The sad thing is I am still the same. I would do anything to impress her and make her mine again.
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A month had now gone by since we first started talking and how much we talked had dwindled down with each passing day of me realizing I liked her. at least one a day I would write up a message to send her then delete it because it was either too cheesy or just weird. Just in case you couldn't tell I am really awkward just naturally so when I am trying to talk to my crush even more so.
It took me a good week to come up with an okay message but I still couldn't send it to her cause what if she didn't want to talk to me. Then I would just feel bad for bugging her. In the end, I didn't message her, it took our mutual friend putting us in a group chat with other friends to really start talking again. Once again we clicked instantly, talking a ton for a couple of days and hen I found out she had gotten into a relationship in the time that we hadn't really talked.
As you could imagine I was heartbroken, this was my first serious crush and I couldn't even like her anymore. To cover up my pain I made up a lie that I was also in a relationship because I didn't want to seem like that awkward girl who clung to random people online.
Like all hurt people do I shut down. I didn't go back on that app for weeks, even though I couldn't actually see her on it just being able to see that she was active yet we weren't talking hurt.
I think it was around Valentine's day when I found out she was taken, and I don't think we talked again till probably a month later. When our group chat became active again
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In this group chat, there were four or five of us and we were all pretty close friends. We talked all the time, I just always made sure to never be on when she was when we weren't talking. However, once we started talking I tried to be on all the time.
She lives really far away from me, so far away that there is a 16 hour time difference between us. That made it hard for us to really talk, my solution to that was not sleeping. Most nights I would stay up till 2-3am so I could talk to her.
It took a while but I found out after a while that she had broken up with her girlfriend sometime after valentines day. And I "broke up" with my fake relationship as soon as I found out. All I could think was that this was my chance to actually talk to her and tell her that I liked her.
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I'm not sure anymore who actually started the conversation all I know is that it lead to both of us admitting that we liked each other and had since we started talking, but since we stopped talking for a while she moved on and thought I did as well. And of course, as soon as we said that we started dating, I was over the moon. I was finally dating the girl I had liked for months and couldn't be happier. Nothing could bring me down and nothing did for months.
Everything seemed perfect to me, she made me beyond happy and we talked as much as time would allow us, there wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk for at least an hour. she helped me accept who I was and helped me learn that I was indeed worth loving. I owe who I am today to her because without her I don't even know if I would be here. However, like with every good thing shit has to hit the fan. And it did.
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I told my mother I was gay, and if you've gotten this far then you know how that turned out. What isn't said in that story is that I was also dating this girl who meant everything to me at the time. Something though that I never told her and never will is that my mother wanted me to break up with her. She could stand having a gay daughter but having a gay daughter that acted on her feelings was a no no even if the girl her daughter was dating is thousands of miles away.
After days of fighting and proving to my mother that I couldn't do anything with her and showing that it was just an innocent love with nothing inappropriate going on did she slightly approve. Which was so wrong, as with any young couple there is flirting and hot moments, especially since all we had was phone calls, and texting.
The funny thing about all this is that I forced my mom to act polite in front of her, even though every time I did I would get yelled at and beat. To me, though it was worth it because I knew that her family would never accept us, so if mine did then we could at least feel a bit better. Even to this day when my mother finds out that I am still talking to her she gets pissed.
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Everything after that was just as good as it was before, now I just had more to hide. everything continued feeling fantastic in our relationship I was still so happy. But I slowly started feeling off again, my days of depression started coming back and to try and keep her happy I started distancing myself. Hoping that she wouldn't notice I was sad, wouldn't think anything of it, just that I was busy with work and dance.
My depression came back for a multitude of reasons, the main one being that things at home just kept getting worse. The yelling, the throwing things, and the actual physical abuse. It got to the point where I could no longer send pictures of myself or FaceTime her because every with every movement I would wince.
My mother took away the one thing that gave me light. It got so bad that I couldn't even think straight anymore. When you get told every day for months that the person you love isn't good for you, you start to believe it even if it isn't true.
When we broke up I blamed it all on her and the fact that she never shared anything. I also blamed it on the fact that I was going to college and didn't want to be held down when I was finally going to have some freedom.
None of that was true, although there were times when we both hide from each other, I truly broke up with her because of the fact that the abuse at home had gotten so bad I almost ended up in the hospital. I had reached my breaking point and I thought that by ending I would be free from at least some of the abuse.
I say that my mother took away my happiness, she took away my moon. But in truth it was me, I was the one who couldn't handle it. I was the one that was too weak.
This is to my moon, I hope that one day you can shine in my sky again. I will forever think of you and will forever love you in the sense of first love. Now though I am hoping to move on. Although it will be many years before that actually happens. I want you to know that I wish for you to be happy and that you can live your life to the fullest.
You will forever be my gorgeous moon, but you will be my moon that shines from afar as a leftover memory. Our year together will remain as one of my happiest years, and our day will forever be celebrated in my heart.
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Dedicated to: All those that took their lives, all those that died too young and to all those who are struggling, you will get through it and flourish once you do.