Sacrifices

His pov

Somewhere in Incheon, the air was heavy with a mix of anticipation and exhaustion. It had been five long days since we had arrived in this unfamiliar city, and yet, it felt like a lifetime wrapped in uncertainty.

You lay there, peacefully enveloped in sleep, your features softened under the dim light streaming through the curtains. I couldn't help but admire you, my heart swelling with affection and guilt. You had pushed yourself to the brink, laboring tirelessly day and night, all for me and for the dreams we shared-dreams that now seemed so fragile.

"Leave everything to me," you had said softly, but the words felt heavy with unspoken burdens. "You can't expose yourself, so let me handle everything. I'm fluent in French, remember? I can teach students. It won't be hard for me to find a job. Maybe I can even take care of an elderly lady or something like that. It's something I'm good at, after all."

I pulled a chair closer to the bed and straddled it, resting my chin on my arms as I watched you sleep, deep in thought. You remained blissfully unaware of the turmoil churning inside me. How did you manage to find peace in slumber while I wrestled with my own demons? You always seemed to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, yet you found solace. Meanwhile, I had just committed a grievous act, hurting someone close to me as well killing my own family. Had you forgotten that?

I glanced at you, so vulnerable and trusting in your sleep, and it left me questioning everything. How could you be so confident that I wouldn't turn against you? What made you think I was worthy of your trust?

As I sought the warmth of your presence, my vision blurred with the weight of my thoughts. You were so strong, and deep down, I envied your resilience. I longed to possess even a fraction of your strength, but my mind was a prison, locking me away from progress. With each passing day, I felt like an anchor dragging you deeper into my troubles. The darker corners of my past threatened to consume me, and with time, they might even worsen.

I tried to shake off the memories that clung to me like shadows-those haunting images that replayed in my mind, visceral and unrelenting. I could almost feel their hands, a chilling reminder of the hell I had endured in that house. Their voices echoed in my thoughts, taunting and relentless. The hate I harbored was an insurmountable wall, trapping me in a cycle I couldn't break free from.

Do you realize that?

I'm sure you do.

I wished fervently that I had met you long ago, in a different life, perhaps. Maybe if things had been different. Maybe you and I...

I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing a bittersweet smile to grace my lips. What was the point of dwelling on "what ifs"? This was the only reality before us, the sole path laid out in front of me, though it felt infinitely heavy and unbearable.

Yet, this reality was one I couldn't accept, no matter how hard I tried. No matter what actions I took or what hope you clung to, the truth felt overwhelming: it wouldn't change. I remained trapped in this narrative, unable to rewrite my story.

Do you know that? I sense that you do. Yet still, you hold onto your hope, unwavering in your belief that things could improve. It pained me to think about how soon I would let you down, how I would fail to live up to the image of strength you saw in me.

Because this is who I am now.

I lost track of time in a way I never thought possible. Whenever I was with you, the hours seemed to slip through my fingers like sand, each moment stretching into eternity. I became softer in your presence, slowly transforming into someone I hadn't known I could be. This change wasn't something I had actively wished for; it simply happened, as if the essence of who I was melted away under the warmth of your gaze.

The night had long settled in, the moon casting a gentle glow across the sky, while the room was softly illuminated by the streetlights filtering through the window. There you were, your eyes now open, looking at me with that familiar intensity. It was the same way you always looked at me, and your smile-the one that never failed to take my breath away-made my heart race. At that moment, I realized that this simple exchange between us held an inexplicable power.

It was confusing, really. I tried to decipher what lay behind your gaze, but my attempts left me more bewildered than before. I couldn't access the profound depths of your thoughts. I was aware of the feelings you harbored for me; love, you called it. But there was an elusive quality to it that I couldn't grasp. You declared your love plainly, yet you never approached me in the same manner as others had, leaving me in a muddle of emotions.

While everyone else around me seemed to want something specific-something tangible from our interactions-your intentions felt different. Everyone else sought to claim a piece of me, to mold me into their idea of what I should be. But you... you simply regarded me with those warm, adoring eyes. The joy that lit up your face every time my fingers brushed against your head or caressed your cheek was a mystery to me. It astonished me that such seemingly trivial gestures could evoke such profound happiness within you.

This made me feel grateful, in a way I couldn't quite articulate. No matter how much I wished to repay your kindness, a part of me hesitated to go further. If you had asked me to touch you more intimately, I feared I wouldn't be able to. Instead, I gently took your hand in mine, our fingers interlocking perfectly. Your smile widened at this simple act, and your eyes sparkled with delight. It was baffling-how could something so small bring you such joy?

You were a true enigma, so uncomplicated, yet so precious. And for all the chaos that surged around us, I found solace in knowing that I could bring even a modicum of happiness to your life through these small, tender acts. In that moment, I realized how deeply I cherished this connection, this simplicity, and how grateful I was that I could make you smile, even if just a little.

"You can't sleep?" you asked softly, your fingers brushing delicately against my cheek. There was a sudden seriousness in your expression, and I felt your gaze piercing through the layers I had built around myself. You scanned every inch of my face, searching for something that seemed undeniably elusive.

I wanted to scream those words-the confession that had been clawing its way to the surface of my throat. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. You were smiling at me, a smile so radiant and beautiful that the thought of tarnishing it with my own darkness felt unbearable. How could I ruin the moment with the weight of my pain?

So I buried it deeper, hiding my agony a little more, just as I had learned to do. It was a coping mechanism I perfected for you.

I had been a silent observer during those times we spent together. Every moment you shared with them, I found myself hidden in the shadows of my own troubled mind, partially awake and partially lost. Somehow, I could hear their thoughts, feel their emotions reverberating around me. It was only since you entered my life-our lives-that this strange connection sparked within me. I sensed the fear that radiated from them. Did you know that?

Did you know why they felt that way? Because the intensity of your presence often hurt.

Every time you were near me, the ache in my chest would deepen, a reminder that I was acutely aware of my own abnormality. Whenever our eyes locked, I was reminded of the monstrous divide between us.

Your presence compelled me to strive for something better, to rise to the occasion. Every thoughtful action, your tender care, and your unyielding love urged me to give you something in return-something valuable, something you truly deserved. And in my heart, I knew you deserved everything I couldn't offer. But each time, my mind trapped me in a spiraling loop of self-doubt and despair.

Beyond the cruel grasp of my mental illness, and beyond the relentless pain that gnawed at me with every breath, it all came down to one fact: it was you.

Do you understand why your presence hurt so deeply?

Do you know why I harbored such inexplicable hatred for you, a frustration so strong that it jolted me awake in the darkness?

Did you realize how intensely I wanted to push you away?

It all traced back to the way you made me feel-an overwhelming wave of emotions that was both invigorating and terrifying.

Because it frustrated me beyond belief.

Because I longed to reach out and touch you.

Our fingers remained intertwined as you began to gently pull me toward you, guiding me onto the bed as if you were trying to cradle me from my demons. "Come. Let's sleep," you whispered with a charming smile, your voice soft and melodic. "If you have nightmares again, I promise I will wake you. I will be here, watching over you." Your embrace enveloped me, a warm cocoon that sought to protect me from my own mind.

As you nestled into me, your fingers tangled in my hair, tugging gently as if testing the waters of my trust. Your gaze flickered across my face, filled with a blend of worry and longing. When your fingers trailed to caress my cheek, I felt your eyes lock into mine, revealing a hidden depth of heavy, dark desire.

I bit my lip, the sharp pain serving as a grounding reminder of the intensity of your gaze. My heart raced, and suddenly, I could barely remember how to breathe normally. I felt all my defenses crumbling under the weight of your attention. My eyes drifted down to your lips, and I swallowed hard, struggling to dislodge the knot that had formed in my throat.

You exhaled a heavy breath, the sound profound in the charged silence between us. When I met your eyes again, they were tightly shut, and I could hear the shift in your breathing, heavier and more labored. I felt your body tremble against mine, and in that moment, I realized why: you yearned for my touch.

"Good night," you whispered, burying your face into my chest, seeking solace in my presence.

I felt a surge of guilt wash over me.

I'm sorry. Didn't I warn you that I was broken?

I am so sorry. If only I could have been normal... if only I could have been the person you deserved.

I would have loved you with an intensity that would have consumed us both.