never letting go

"I shot him, all six bullets. I felt nothing." not the flames, not even the cold after that last shot. just nothing.
i shouldn't have said that.
really shouldn't have, but it was out there now.
the silence stretched and i felt the sudden urge to get up and walk away, i didn't.
sat exactly where i was waiting... for what i am not sure.
max lifted his arms, he seemed hesitant for a moment before i was engulfed in a hug.
it was warm, it felt nice.
i never wanted to let go.
he didn't say any words, no words would have made our situation better.
max won't forget emma's death and i won't forget "her's".
its just how it was but we could be there for each other.
he hugged me and i held tight. we were here, the guilt remained but i felt less alone, and that was enough for now.
we stayed for a few more minutes before we went back to meet cleo.
we all talked and joked, and acted like it was just another day.
by the time we had to leave, Cleo had won more than 10 rounds against max and max's new prototype had self-destructed at least twice, Fortunately, no one was near the explosion radius for once.
and i had finished my report.
The Report.
it was time to meet James and finally put an end to all this.
i let go of the breath i was holding and entered the room.
james was sitting at his table as always, Bethany had a scowl on her face, there was no doubt in my mind that James was the cause of that.
i gave the file it him, he skimmed through it, though knowing him, he knew exactly what was going to be in the report even before i started writing it.
james hummed and Bethany had gone across the room, clearly busy with some other matter.
i turned around to leave but the sound of my name made me pause.
"You have clearly left nothing out" he said with a knowing smile on his face.
i tightened my fists, "why wouldn't i?"
"Personal feelings maybe? or even just pity?"
"I don't have personal feelings in this matter" i say, looking at the door.
"mmm if you say so" he doesn't believe my words, i don't either.
his voice was a hint softer when he says,"it's fine to get too involved or emotional in these cases, these aren't just files on the shelf for you. There are real people and you are too, you are bound to get attached."
"but we aren't supposed to."
he leans back on his chair and i silently wish for him to fall.
"you are right, you aren't supposed to get attached but that won't be a problem for you. there is a reason i picked you three."
"no matter how painful the truth is, you three will do the right thing", and suddenly i felt the crushing weight all over again.
"what if we don't do the right thing?" i ask
"you will, it might not be considered right by a lot of people but it will be right."
and james continues to be confusing, "That doesn't sound very right to me."
james's normal overly confident smile becomes a little softer, "you will understand with time."
and the words that were supposed to sound comforting sounded ominous and threatening.
"you are all children, i would rather wish you understand it when you are much older."
his words make me retort, "you aren't much older than me" with the most deadpan voice and expression.
"mmm a few years is a lot of time." that had such a somber feel to it, like he was reminiscing.
there was a story there, one that wasn't for my ears to hear, so, i nod,
"if there is nothing else, have a nice day" and left.