i am alright

cleo doesn't end up sharing her emotions about the end of the case and i don't push.

she turns her full attention to the game after a bit of chit chat and i begin writing the report.

i am very tempted to rush into Max's class and ensure he is fine, but that would only bring more attention and cause Max to shut down.

he has a terrible lying face, and yet he would still look me in the eye and say he is alright as if daring me to tell him otherwise. he must know i can't call him out, it would be like accepting i am a hypocrite.

max does stride into the room long before class is supposed to end

he looks at me, "you bunked your classes."

i look at him, "i did"

"you are going to end up in detention again" he says and i can see the barely present smile on his face.

"of course, can't let you be there all by yourself can I?", i say with a teasing smile on my face, or atleast what i hope to be a teasing smile.

"you are early." i say and immediately any sign of a smile disappears and his displeasure is apparent again.

"most of the teachers are busy due to the news" he says

"what news?" i ask surprised. what else had i missed to notice.

the answer comes from cleo, "it's pretty new, no official news it out yet, but according to the rumors, they are reopening the luna case again, since they have new evidence and all that."

"and the people involved were all teachers from this school" max continues.

he doesn't seem very happy even though we solved this case, odd.

"max, i am starving, lets go get some lunch"

"what?" he asks surprised

i don't give him time to process the whole thing, "you want anything?" i ask Cleo,

"hhmmmhm" she replies, too immersed in the game.

"i will take that as a yes" i say and pull max out of the room by his arm.

we skip the cafeteria and get some snacks in the rundown shop near the school.

in a few minutes, we are on the terrace of the school, sitting next to each other eating.

"you don't seem happy?" i say as i throw another chip into my mouth.

"i am not?"

"is that a question or a statement?"

"i am not sure...."

the wind blows and the heat from the sun is hot on my skin. i close my eyes and it feels like i am in a different place, a different time. i am brought back to present when max speaks again.

"i should be happy, shouldn't i?"

i just hum and acknowledge him that i am listening.

"i should be happy that we found her and made sure she couldn't hurt anymore people."

"so, why aren't you?" in a morbid way, i was curious. i wanted to know what made him feel uncomfortable in his black and white world, i wonder if his world has turned grey too? did it happen just now, or long ago?

"i know she was wrong and needed to be stopped but she looked so hurt, she looked like a victim, not the perpetrator."

"when the police arrived, i wanted to tell them to not arrest her, i wanted eo tell them to get her help."

i hum, he isn't wrong, i tell him so, "you are right she is a victim but she is also a perpetrator in this case. She was hurt so she lashed out."

"why didn't anyone ever help her?" he has tears in his eyes, he scrunches his nose, trying his best to not let them fall.

"i don't know" and that is indeed the truth, the world sometimes is just a cruel place for no reason.

"why did you give the gun?" he says wiping his tears on the elbow of his uniform.

and sudden change in topic causes me to choke on the chip i am chewing, which causes max to panic and, try and fail multiple times to hand me a bottle.

"when did i hand you a gun?" i ask, max and guns don't go together in any world.

"when Emma died." and suddenly i felt punched in my stomach at the fact that i had forgotten that. because i don't regret giving him the gun. i will never regret giving him the gun.

"because i wanted you to make the choice" is what i end up saying

"what if i had shot him?"

"then you would have shot him." i say as if that's obvious.

"what if i had killed him? what would you have done when the police showed up?"

"i would have done nothing"

he looks at me surprised so i continue,

"i would have waited and observed, see what you were doing, see if you lie or tell the truth, then i would have backed you up."

"even if i had lied?" he asks and the weariness is again present in his eyes

"even if you had lied" i confirm.

"why?" he looks at me, he seems to not understand.

the black and white are back again.

"Because that was your choice, either way, you would have to deal with the consequence of your actions, lie and deal with the guilt and pain, or say the truth and still deal with the guilt and pain." i shrug. it was truly simple to my head.

"i didn't shoot him. i didn't kill him. so why do i still feel this pain?" and the tears are back again, only this time he isn't able to stop them.

"i don't know." i wish i had the answer to that but i didn't, and wasn't that the entire problem.

"i keep thinking that i would feel better if i had shot him, would have felt like i had avenged her."

it wouldn't have, not to a person like him. but i don't say it out loud.

"What would you have done?" he asks

and just like that i am in that cold night, flames everywhere, and yet i didn't feel the warmth, not one bit, just the snow under me, her blood all over me, tears in my face, and a gun in my hand.

"I shot him, all six bullets. I felt nothing." not the flames, not even the cold after that last shot. just nothing.