you have to let go

we had a quiet breakfast, ace asked if i wanted him to drop me off in school. it was hard to refuse after our previous conversation.

the silence continued in the car all the way till we reached the school.

right as i was about to leave, as we had said our goodbyes, Ace pulled me into a hug and held me, as soon as i was over the surprise, i hugged him back.

"i will always be here for you" he promised, like he always did.

it becomes harder and harder to not believe in his promise knowing that he kept it every time i needed him, but i know that one day when i need him, he won't be here waiting for me, he won't be there to hug me. i know he will leave, everyone does.

so maybe it would be fine to be selfish for a bit, to hold him close for a bit longer, to believe his words, to think that he would always be my home.

i had to let go, even if i didn't want to.

class was going to start, and i had a report to write and submit.

i should also check in with the others and see how they are doing, and just like that i felt guilt course through my veins, i had forgotten about the others in my own self-pity, such a great leader i am.

i will worry about class later, this takes top priority, so i dashed to our clubroom.

Cleo was there, Max wasn't.

that didn't help my nerves. why hadn't i checked on him yesterday, or even today morning.

"Max left just a bit ago, he should be in his class, falling asleep in like 20 more seconds, and 40 more seconds till he wakes up and tries to stay awake, he fails by the way" Cleo said not taking her eyes off her laptop screen as she kept typing on, must be a new game she started playing.

it made me feel a bit embarrassed that my poker face was so bad that even cleo could see my anxiety.

i would have to reel it in. i have to control this.

"Are you spying on max again?" i asked to move this conversation along.

"i don't need to spy on him to know that, he does that too regularly."

"...can't say i knew that" i say, and it's true, being in different classes does mean i can only interact with him in the breaks or if our class combines for a study hour or in detention.

"and you doodle in your book and never pay attention to class." Cleo says knowingly

i let out a breath, of course, she spies on me too, it wasn't something i didn't suspect about, i just never expected her to admit it.

i fold my arms "i already know everything they are teaching at the moment" i say.

cleo looks at me behind still partially hidden by the screen and raises an eyebrow, "Why don't you just skip some grades then? or just not go to class."

"not all of us can be like you, cleo" i say, with the most deadpan face i could muster.

"i know, its truly a shame,", she says dramatically while leaning backwards on her chair, it's pure luck she hasn't fallen over yet. i try and fail to hide my amusement.

"care to fill me in on what happened yesterday?"

"of course" cleo says, and like an unknown rule, neither of us talk about how i acted yesterday, after all that went down.

"they arrested luna, Stine too. not a whole lot i know at the movement, just that James showed up, and miss Jasmine too."

"i don't really know a whole bunch since most of the cameras are down, and the police aren't communicating via any devices at the moment."

"thanks" i say, this was to be expected, i knew James had something to do with this, there was a reason they hadn't taken me to question. can't say i expected miss jasmine to be there, but it does support this theory in my head more and more.

i really should write the report.

"how are you feeling?" i say, while taking a seat in a nearby chair.

oh well, it can wait for a bit longer.

"huh?", cleo seemed startled, like she hadn't expected me to wonder about her well-being.

"fine?" she says, i wait for her to continue.

"i was safe in my place, i didn't see any of it happen. i am fine." she said and i totally didn't believe her.

"yes, but you did hear it all." i say, i can't talk feelings, but i can state facts.

"i will be fine, don't worry about me, if you should worry about someone, it should be max." she said trying to deflect.

"i can worry about both of you at the same time." i say in the form of a challenge.

"you overachiever.", she says as she barks out a laugh, which causes me to smile.

we will be fine. we might not be right now, but we will be.

and that's all that matters, right?