waking up

22 April 2019

i opened my eyes only to realise that i was on my bed, which was very odd as i didn't remember walking to bed... everything seems to be a blur in my head after falling.

i did my best to brush it off but i couldn't, the werid numbness in my chest wouldn't leave.

when i had finally left my room, i was hit by the sudden smell of mangoes.

right in the kitchen, sitting in one of the bar stools ace had for sure stolen but promises it was a gift from a friend.

his own words were, "it was a gift for a job well done... she just doesn't know she gifted it to me"

the odd thing about the whole picture was that he seemed unhappy, the entire scene was of a peaceful morning and the smell of the cut mangoes should have indicated a good day but no, ace was still wearing his "work clothes" not his comfortable and too soft shirt and pants, he hasn't even taken off the jacket even though it seems like the hottest day in summer. he has a cup of coffee in hands, from the looks of it, it wasn't his first cup.

he never shows this side to me,

to me he has been the strong brother who seemed to have no weakness.

it made me unsure of what to do, because my brother shouldn't have a frown on his face, he's supposed to be happy and smiling.

i just mummer a small "good morning" as i sit on the other stolen bar stool, i take a piece of the mango and pop it into the mouth. it tastes heavenly.

ace looks at me with an unrecognisable expression and it makes me tense a bit.

ace is a master of masks, when he wants he is very much capable of blocking me out.

"are you ok?" he asks, his voice a bit rough.

that wasn't any of the possible questios i could have expected. my silence causes him to continue.

"we can leave if something is wrong, a vacation maybe or if you want to move, we can do that too"

this confused me more, i panicked a yelled, "what? NO!"

this causes him to stare at me again.

"you don't seem ok." he says, he holds my hands as a form of comfort.

"i know i am not here as much as i should, and i will ensure that i am more around..I- I need to know if you are alright" he seems to plead at the end.

i squeeze his hand, "i am fine" i lie, he doesn't seem convinced.

"look i know it's none of my business, and you have all the right to have secrets but i am worried about you, you have been off for a while now and then i saw you on the floor yesterday and i-" his voice breaks

"i can't lose you" his voice barely a whisper.

i don't know much about ace, and i am fine with that, i won't push and he can continue keeping his secrets same as i keep mine, that has always been the untold rule. but i wonder about his life before we met, before he took me in, the picture i paint in my head with the clues i do have isn't a pretty one. so in a way i understood his pain, and yet i couldn't. he must have remembered those days when i had fainted because i stopped eating. it wasn't his fault he didn't notice, i did my best to ensure no one did but it is obvious that she still blames himself.

but we won't talk about it, not yet, he has his secrets and i have mine,

"I am fine" i repeat, lying once again.