Chapter # 46

PART 4

Injuring myself or doing suicidal stuff weren't really the issue with me, I was content in what I was doing. The only thing I didn't want to become was a copy of him and I did anything remotely possible to stop it from happening. But everything changed that day.

Things were back to normal. I got beaten up, harmed myself but it was a lot better than before. Those boys didn't sue me, I guess my father hands run in deep.

But it was okay until the principal came to my class one day to inform me about my father. He died in a hit and run accident. And then stuff become too hectic from onwards. Surprisingly my dad left all of the property under my name and didn't give anything to his new wife though they hadn't married yet. That day he actually went to pick the wedding gown and he died in bringing that gown. I wonder if he would have left it under my name if he was married but I will never know his answer now.

The funeral took place, all of his colleagues came to offer up their condolences. The funeral went on for 2 3 days I kept standing and working without any care in the world. All those words of praise made me want to throw up right there but I was too used to pretend. Pretending was a second nature of mine. It was not the first time, I have seen few of his colleagues they have also came to our house before and they also have seen me. But the camouflage was always present.

At the last day of the funeral when it finally came the time to bury him. I was relieved that now there won't be any fights I can live my life normally like the rest but the more I thought of it the more I knew it was impossible the damage had already run deep and there was no way to the escape the lie that ran deep

His colleague's uttered words like he was a great man who led others by example, a true leader.

I am liberated!!!!!

"I speak with great mourning….. There can be no replacing him"

I am finally free!!!!

He was hard working, the medical center lost such a fine gem, a wonderful co-worker.

Freedom.

I am free….!

Free…dom…

Huh?

I ended up doing nothing at all. Actually to be precise there wasn't anything I wanted to do in the first place.

Izumi always snapped at me and said, "In this way you will end up flunking everything

Get a hobby or something."

But things didn't work out like everyone wanted to work.

Izumi one day recommended me to watch a radio show, he was a nag and ended up putting the earphones. I didn't like it at first. But as more I started hearing it.

It became quite addictive in its own unique way but that show wasn't enough.

Even though I was able to enjoy the how I still felt as I was falling through a bottomless pit.

I wonder why I felt like that nothing could hurt me anymore but I didn't know what to do..... it was all so hopeless.

My friends kept worrying,

Yoite said to me, "You are not going to do anything bad to yourself anymore right.

Its all over. Isn't it?"

My reply was only this I do not know.

Yoite yelled to me, "What do you mean? It's all over!!!!

Shino please just bear it

Live and bear with it

Okay?

Just live like this.

You will survive this….

You will feel better….

So please

Don't do anything bad

Okay?

Please shino."

The thoughts that run over my mind were always these

I will survive

I will feel better

When will that happen?

It's too hard.

I hated people worrying about me.

I also hated myself that I couldn't trust their motives anymore.

The only thing I knew how to do was be suspicious of everyone

And I hated myself so much because of that.

Whenever I looked at the mirror I could see his reflection.

And at that moment I don't know what came over me, I just smashed all the mirrors I had in the house, broke the tv, the computer screen. Anything that would reflect I destroyed it. The whole place was filled with glass shreds.

I was so tired and at that moment I picked up a broken glass piece and I was like Yeah just get over with it. And at that moment the phone rang

Just like it was waiting for the right moment.

It seemed like one of my friends posted a comment on that radio show.

He commented, "My friend has a hard time going on his life right now and this show is the only thing that keeps him going. So can you please give him a call?"

I was like what was the use, you're wasting your time but as the conversation kept going I just felt relieved talking to someone.

Urgh…

Hng…..

I started crying as the conversation kept going.

The context we talked about had literally nothing to do with my mind state but it was more like a general talk with someone. That one call from a complete stranger saved my life and give me the strength and the courage to go on.

The curtain to the past closes.

After I had told everything to Yuu, I was holding my head downwards wondering what he will say. Will he judge me? Will he be any different?

"Though I still cannot believe a stranger changed everything" I said.

"And all the people who ever there at that time…..

To be honest I can never actually repay them."

[Yuu]

Shino told me his whole story.

The line between love-and-hate in his family.

That the only way he could protect himself was by pulling away.

His depression and his self-loathing.

Being only able to see things in a negative way.

How could he tell so everything like that?

Doesn't he feel like crying?

Or is he just not able to?

But the only thing I want to say to him right now was

"Thank you for opening up to me"

"No, it's okay" Shino replied.

"No, it takes a huge amount of courage to open up like you did right now

And also thank you for having faith in me."

Shino had a relieved kind of smile on his face.

"Though I wonder what show was that. I would really like to listen to it."

"I actually want to remember it too"