Can't Hold This Feeling

*

The day is comming. The sun shinning so warm make the flowers blossom in my heart. I heard that Namjoon and the entire BTS members gonna stay in the office all day long. I forget that they must prepare for their comeback album. As always, seven of them spend their times in the dance practice room. Comeback means new song and of course new choreos too.

I only have a bit task in my desk, then I decide to go to BTS dance practice room to see Namjoom. I hope Namjoon is not really busy so we can have a quality time even just in the office.

I open the white door in the third floor. A loud music attacks my ears directly. Ah, they still practice for the main choreo song of their new album.

I bow to greeting some staffs inside the room. Then, I can see Namjoon with his serious face trying to dance as well as he can in front of the big mirror. Sometimes I smile because Namjoon expression really cute when he dance. He is trying so hard.

A few minutes later, the music stop and Namjoon finds me directly. Ah, he realizes that I'm here.

"Are you walking around in your work time, Miss?"

I'm nodding and smile to him.

"I worked until midnight yesterday. So, I can running away from my desk to see someone."

I can see Namjoon's dimple while he grab my hand. "Ah, that someone must be so precious for you."

I see his eyes and can't stop smiling. "Ah, I get it! Now he already know!"

That is the sweetest words I ever say to Namjoon. He pulls me till I crush his chest. This hug that I dreaming every night. I know, there's so many people here and this is our first romantic moment that we show off. Eventhough, all of them has known that Namjoon has a relationship with me but we often show our skinship like common couple.

"Hyung, coach wants us to gather and discuss something." Jimin shouted.

Namjoon gives a distance for us and end this hug. I really want to stop the time to feel Namjoon's hug ever after.

"Kay, I'm sorry! I must gather with them." Namjoon says with his sad face, He really feels sorry for this.

I smiling and nod again.

"I know, we can meet again after you done."

Namjoon rub my hair softly and he go back to practice again. I go back to my room and do another task while waiting Namjoon done with his practice. The worse think about this relationship is we really can't have a quality time.

•~~•

It's almost 8 PM and I still waiting in my room. But I can't hold this feeling anymore. I'm walking quickly to the practice room and try to kidnap him away. That's sounds crazy and of course I don't dare to do that. I just want to check his activity and ask him for a dinner. Maybe he can take a break and have dinner with me, I hope.

I open the same white door, but there's no music on. My hope going so high, I think they have their break time right now. I'm walking slowly and looking around to find Namjoon. It's easy to find him because people in this room are not as many as before. I find Namjoon, now he perfectly one meter away in front of me. But I stop my step like my feet stick on the floor.

Namjoon on his comfortable position, he close his eyes on the Haesoo Unni's lap. I try to stay positive, Haesoo Unni is his fashion stylist, she follows Namjoon everywhere he goes. I know her job exactly, and I do know that both of them must be so close. But in this situation, I can't thinking positively. Namjoon should not sleep on her lap, even I see Haesoo Unni rubbing Namjoon's hair with lovely sight.

"Hello, Kay. Long time no see!" Hoseok greeting make me surprise and I don't realized that tears are about to fall of my eyes.

"Oh, Hobi! Ya, long time no see. I was here this morning but seven of you practiced seriously, so I can't greeted you"

"Yeah, we must practice hardly for this comeback. But, Kay are you okay?" Hoseok asking when he realized that I'm a bit crying.

"I'm really okay. Oh, ya good luck for your comeback. And don't forget to keep your health and also the members. You all have prepare so much for every show."

Hoseok smile and nodding for make me sure that he and the members always keep their health. He looking around and realized something again.

"Kay, should I wake Namjoon up?"

I turn my body to see again how Namjoon still comfortable with his position.

"No, just let him take a rest. I know he is so tired."

Hoseok doesn't feel good and he truly know that I'm hold my pain.

"Ah, I must go home now." I try to end this situation to stop Hoseok's uncomfortable feeling.

"Kay, are you really okay?" Hoseok still worried about me, then I just nodding my head and walk away after I greet them.

•~~•

I'm walking with the painful heart. It feels like there are so many hand punching and attack my heart unstoppable. It hurts me so much. I know, for a little longer I try hardly to close my eyes with the fact about Namjoon and Haesoo Unni. I'm being so dumb if I say that I don't know about how close they are.

For a little longer, I just think about that they are so close because they are a partner in their job. Sometimes, I feel so envy and jealous with Haesoo Unni. But as always, Namjoon can make me believe that he really love me and Haesoo Unni just does her job with him. Okay, I never expect that Namjoon can be so relax falling a sleep on her lap. And maybe, they usually do that.

Ah, I really paralized with this situation. My tears falling down to my face. I cover my face with my both hands and I stop my step. I can't even walk, I can't feel the earth still in the bottom of my foot.

"Kay."

I can feel someone behind me pull my body till I turning back. I really know his deep voice. I still covered my face with my hands and he's not saying anything, then I feel he hugs me. I push him as hard as I can.

"Go away, Joon!" I shouted with a high voice.

"Kay, please."

He's begging and hold both of my shoulder with his big hand.

My face is very wet because of my tears.

"I really don't know what should I do right now. Joon, let me go and you can continue your comfy sleep with her." I say with lower voice and try to see him in his eyes.

"Kay!" he shouted my name so frustated. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to do that. Really, I just..."

"Do what you usually do, right?"

"NO, Kay! Please don't pressed me..."

"What? Do you say that I pressed you? So, what about me? What about my feeling?"

He can't answer me and try to pull me in his hug again. I push him again and I see him with my teary eyes.

"I'm waiting for you, trying to trust on you no matter how difficult our communication, I try everytime to understand with your dream about being an idol, I try so hard to remind myself that I have a boyfriend..."

"Sorry, sorry! Kay, I really love you, I only love and like you. I don't have aby feelung with Haesoo Noona, we just close friend..."

"Nice!" I cut his explanation with full of anger. "close friend is better than long distance girlfriend, right?" I smilling and he's down his face.

"Joon, I really have to go now. I feel my head gonna explode and hearing your explanation make this pain getting worse."

And I leave him while he can't move from his position. Does he really think about close friend and long distance girlfriend that I said before? That means he feels so doubt about it. Which one is the real fact in his heart. But as a girl, who know him since a long time ago, I already know the answer.

He does not love me anymore.