Chapter Ten

| Fear |

♥

I didn't go with my plan. I didn't show anyone the photos of Sean I've taken, because first, I don't think that will work, second, I have no other friends, and third, I was too selfish. Those pictures of his were treasures for me, because all those were amazing. They burn passion and fire altogether, and I don't think I'd like to share it with someone else.

I might have liked him too fast, but do you really have a time limit when loving? Do you really have a time when we're 'supposed' to love? None, right? When you fall, you just fall. You don't think. You don't wonder why. You just... simply fall.

I haven't loved anyone else except for Sean. I might have married Ralph, might have had children with him, might have laughed with him, but I only loved him as a person – as a kind man he is.

If I were to change fates, I surely will – and love Sean until the end. That's what I'm doing now, but I'd rather do it with him beside me.

My perspective of life really changed since that day with Sean. I realized that it's not bad to have fun sometimes. To just play. To know myself. To be with him. Sometimes it's not so bad to stroll around your soul, know what your heart wants, and follow the roads you yourself want to take. Because having someone else's map to follow leads to nothing, when your heart is not on it. I'd rather be happy while wandering, than to be stable but doomed.

Still, I didn't realize what I wanted to do, but at least, I felt something I've really wanted to feel.

Happiness.

When I realized that I like him, I couldn't contain myself. I keep thinking, 'No, no, no. Why? No.' You couldn't blame me – I was a teen, and for the first time, I had a crush.

But no matter how many times I disagree to myself, my heart will still wants whatever it wants.

The day after that, my heart was a beating mess. The thought that I could bump onto him any minute unsettles me. Yes, I've been with him through many times, but – I just – can't.

At lunch, I saw a post-it on my locker. I didn't know how he knew it was mine, but it didn't matter. He always has ways.

Expectedly, my heart pounds fast in excitement when I saw that familiar white paper on my locker. What was written there made me smile.

eat. -sean

He's so weird. What was he up to? Sending me a one-word note!

But at least, it made me smile.

I wondered though, why won't we meet at school? May mali ba? I mean, we're basically schoolmates. Why shouldn't he just go to my room and then we go, rather than meeting in a secluded classroom?

At dismissal, there was another note.

go home straight. -sean

Where else am I supposed to go, anyway? And where was he?

I didn't see him that day.

And the day after that.

There were notes at lunch and dismissal, and they say the same thing.

At the third day, at morning, there is already a note against it.

don't go anywhere else. i know you don't like to be bossed around, but do as i say. -sean

What is up with him? Why can't he just say straight to me what's wrong? Why can't he meet me?

I was so confused and annoyed, and dismissal that day, there were no notes, so I went straight towards the secluded room, hoping he was there.

He was not.

The varsity player, Vance, the guy Sean knocked down when we first met, was there. He was holding a bottle of beer on his hand, and the familiar devilish smile on his face.

"Nagkita ulit tayo."

I gasped in shock, tried to turn but Vance was faster. I wondered why the hell he was there? Where the hell was Sean? Is that the reason why Sean didn't want me to go anywhere else?

Suddenly, with my shock, his hand caught my arm, then pulled me, pushed me towards the nearest wall. My back hit the hard, concrete wall harshly, and I slightly groaned in hurt. Pain trickled down my spine, and I gasped again, but it turned out to be a cough. My bag made a loud thump when it dropped on the floor.

"Bakit ba nag-iinarte ka pa?" I remember him shout. He took my collar with so much force and pulled me near his face, making me smell the foul smell of his liquor. I closed my eyes shut, preventing my tears to fall. "Hindi ka naman gano'n kaganda!" he said and pushed me again.

I hit a wall again, but harder. It was painful. I was so afraid.

I felt like crying, but Vance would think he won. I don't cuss, but that day, I did, a lot of times in my head. Fear wrapped up my chest, and my want to escape is overflowing.

I yearned for Sean as I watch Vance walk towards me.

I wished he would come and save me.

I wished he would come, the way he did before, and make everything okay again.

But he didn't.

Sean didn't come.

My lips met Vance's, and he harshly moved it against mine. I screamed and tried to get away, but his strong hands held my arms. I kicked and kicked, screamed, but it was no help.

I kept crying as Vance pushed me more on the wall. When he reached for the buttons of my blouse, I kicked his middle, and took my chance to get away.

I ran crying.

I ran wondering where Sean was. Why didn't he warn me straightly for Vance. Why? Did he know something like that might happen?

Was he kidding me?

I didn't go to school for weeks.

♥