Chapter Eleven

| Distraction |

♥

I locked myself in my room for days. When I got home that day, I looked like nothing happened. I fixed myself first before going home, although crying in the process.

I felt dirty and molested. He took something I've been keeping for a long time – something I treasure. He had it without a sweat. It must have been a simple kiss, but something treasured will always be something treasured, and one must respect that.

I also realized I left my bag in that room. If I wasn't angry, I didn't know what else. I cried and punched my bed a lot of times – frustrated, angry. My knuckles were almost red when I tried to punch a wall. My breathing was so heavy. I felt... rubbish.

I didn't know if I was mad at him for doing it, for myself for not just listening to Sean, or to him for not coming to save me. But why would he save me, anyway? What was I to him? Why would he risk danger just for an ordinary school mate like me?

I guess I was disappointed because Sean didn't come when I expected him to; when I needed him most. I know I sound as if a girlfriend, wasn't he telling me to go home, but without telling me why? And when I didn't follow him, something as frightening as that would happen? He knew something like that might happen?

Why didn't he look after me?

Why did he just leave me alone?

But I guess... I was not as important as I thought I was to him.

My Dad wondered what the hell was wrong with me, because the next day when I'm supposed to get ready to school, I'm still locked up in my room. He opened it with his unanswered permission and found me on my bed, crying. I was about to fix myself first, but he already saw me rolled like a fetus on my bed with messy pillows and blankets around me, my face wet.

Gulat si Dad. He suddenly came to me with his alerted eyes and open arms, and he hugged me. I almost melted within his warm arms. I didn't know I could tell him what happened, but I did.

As expected for Fathers, he was mad. He, without a word, went to the school, and the next few hours I discovered that he went and fought with the school Principal for having no securities at places like the secluded classroom where something bad might happen. He was mad because what happened to me could lead to a rape, and no one could have known.

He went home and told me he asked for Vance to be expelled. The Principal told him he wanted to give me a little talk about what happened, because who knows if I was really telling the truth, but my Father almost hit him in his face, but the school guards stopped him.

This part of my life is one of the hardest. I gave my parents problems, I gave myself humiliation, and I was stuck in my room wondering what's happening outside. And once my Dad came there I know the rumor would spread like a wind, and I felt more mortified for myself. I know judging eyes will meet mine, scrutinizing me, wondering why someone like Vane wanted to rape a girl like me.

I know he was just angry because his pride was stepped onto when Sean punched him and knocked him out without doing so much effort.

Boys. So immature and egotistic.

And that day also, Mom talked to me for the first time. I've never seen her so soft-faced, so fragile, because she's always been firm and fixed. I thought when she went right in front of me, she would cry, but the tears welling up in her eyes refused to fall. She said she was sorry for not looking after me. She was still hoping for me to change my mind, but whatever choice I take, she said she'll have no choice but to accept it.

I guess I was happy.

I couldn't be fully happy when I know someone is missing. When Mom and I made up, I had the feeling to share it with someone else – but to whom?

A week passed, and I still didn't go to school. Gusto kong palipasin muna 'yung usap-usapan tungkol sa nangyari bago ako pumasok.

Later that day, tinawag ako ni Mama; may bisita raw ako, sabi niya.

When I walked downstairs, Mom's face is indescribable. I didn't mind it and just went straight to the door.

I saw Sean.

I don't know if I should be angry or shocked when I saw him. He has cuts on his face, a bandage on his knuckle, and sad, guilty eyes. His eyes were so different. When I saw him that day, its darkness seemed to lessen. It's like looking to a stranger's eyes.

"M-Mau..." he said.

I noticed he's holding my bag. I just looked at it.

"Ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" I asked, referring to his appearance.

He didn't speak. He was like a complete different person – like his outer personality is peeled off and what was left is his bare, vulnerable self. Guilty. Sad. Afraid.

He gave me my bag, his arms seem light and weak.

"Nakalimutan mo," he said that made me laugh.

"Nakalimutan?" I said, my voice bitter. If you're molested, trapped, and afraid, what else matters than your escape and your life? I wanted to say those but I kept silent. My eyes watered and Sean saw it. I held my tears in, and took my bag from his hand.

I know I'm not supposed to be mad at him. He gave me a warning and I was the one who didn't follow. Kung iisipin nang maayos, kasalanan ko. It was my fault. I shouldn't blame him, right?

He still wasn't speaking. I was looking at my dirty bag, not on his eyes. And right now, I'm wondering what kind of expression his eyes held that very moment.

"I'm sorry if I expected you to save me," I said. I couldn't help it. My tears fell, and I remembered that moment when Vance was kissing me harshly, and I didn't stop from shouting Sean's name. "Thanks for returning my bag," I said and turned to go inside.

"Wait." He held the door. "Hey... I'm sorry."

His eyes sparkled regret. His lips weren't a straight line, or the familiar curve of his handsome smirk – it was arched slightly downward, and somehow it ached my heart to see him like that.

What... what was I thinking? We must have shared conversations, gazes, and laughs, but why did I make him feel like I was his obligation? Like he was really supposed to save me at times like that? I hated to see that expression from him. I wanted to remove it, replace it with his smirks. I wanted to say I'm okay – I wasn't raped, anyway. I wanted to see his smile again, and his smirk. I wanted to hear his voice. I want everything to turn the way it's been.

He'd done enough for me. He introduced me to many emotions and I made memories with him. Why would I get him into the trouble Vance had created with me?

"It isn't your fault," I said.

"Dapat hindi kita hinayaang mag-isa," he said with sincerity. "I - I just thought I was... getting too close with you so I tried to stay away. It was a wrong move." Sean sighed, his frown looking at me. "Naiintindihan mo ba?"

I couldn't find an answer.

"Mau..." he said. "A-Are you fine?"

"Sean," I said. "I'm –"

"Putek," he said. Hearing him say a Tagalog curse sounded cool and hot in my ears. I was even more surprised when he held the back of my head, and placed my forehead on his chest. "Maurice."

"H-Huh?" I blurt out.

"Say my name again."

"S-Si Mama –"

"Say my name."

"S-Sean."

I felt him breathe deep, and then his palm on my hair went down my back.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Protecting you was my only job, and I failed it."

"I'm not your –"

"No," sabi niya. "I should've stayed with you. Your life was in danger – your dignity – you. I said I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you. So here I am... I'm sorry... I failed."

Those words he'd told me back then confused me immensely, because I was neither his girlfriend nor his princess to protect. I was an ordinary girl who happened to be with him and I couldn't remember since when did he take obligation on me.

"Sean, hindi mo kailangang mag-sorry," sabi ko. "It was my fault –"

"'Wag mo ngang sabihing kasalanan mo," sabi niya saka binitawan ako. His expressive dark eyes came again to drill it against mine. "It wasn't your fault he was a bastard. 'Wag mong sisihin sarili mo."

For the first time, I held his gaze. My knees weakened and they're almost giving up, until I spoke, without thinking, "Why are you doing this?"

He smiled.

"You're my distraction."

Distraction. I didn't know how I must define it through my own understanding. Who knows if he just treats me like a toy, which he uses whenever he's bored? Or a place where he can go to whenever the world turns its back on him?

I remember being fine with both.

♥