Chapter Twenty-one

| Guilt |

Her slap sent a painful heat spreading through my cheek, and nothing registered in my head but its pain. I went blank. I gasped, shocked, and instinctively my fingers touched the cheek she'd hit.

My eyes started to water, which was an awful start to apologize. I couldn't look at her... I couldn't. Hair covered my face.

"S-Steph..."

"Leave. Now."

Her voice made me remember something; Sean's voice – so stern, cold, and chilling. My lower lip quivered uncontrollably.

The last time we were together she smiled and thanked me. That time, the sun was mild, almost gone, and the sky and the wind was cold. I remembered the sticky feeling of my palm right after we've eaten ice creams, our footsteps, and most importantly –

I remembered our conversation.

She said Sean faces a lot of problems and he always had the urge to leave and face his matters all on his own. She said Sean once turned his back on his own passion, own family, own life. She said Sean was so sad, so miserable... but because of me, he changed.

I remembered my decisive tone when I said I'll stay.

I didn't.

Steph's face was so grim, full of hatred, but her eyes showing pain. Hurt. I wanted to ask why she was so angry, but I knew. She remembered my promise. She remembered the day I told her I'll never leave Sean, no matter what. And there it dawned to me how much of a mistake I've done. It wasn't just a mistake I could easily wipe out or take back with a sorry – it was a mistake with a lifetime of miserable results.

She stepped forward, closer to me, and closed the door behind her. She looked at me right in my eyes. Hers were tearful, and so were mine.

"Maurice," she spat. My lips were still quivering. Afraid. Guilty. "He loved you. You know that, don't you?"

I looked down, my eyes wet. My hands and my lips were shaking.

"But look what you've did! You left him! Naiintindihan ko, Maurice. Naiintindihan ko na namatay ang kapatid mo, nalulungkot ka dahil do'n at wala akong karapatang husgahan ka sa naramdaman mo pero Maurice!" She was finally crying, her face wet with tears and sweat. "Didn't you see? Sinusubukan niya! Sinusubukan niyang... pasayahin ka, ni hindi na nga 'yon umuuwi rito dahil sabi niya kailangan mo siya. Pero ano'ng sinukli mo?"

I was in so much shame. I did not know I will ever feel that way, and I wanted to disappear right in front of her. I was crying, too, and was mumbling 'I'm sorry' repeatedly.

"Umalis ka! Lumipat kayo ng bahay nang wala ka man lang sinasabi kay Sean! What did you think he will feel? Ni hindi ka niya ma-contact! I understand that you were sad, but what you did! What you did was so immature, Maurice! So fucking selfish!" She breathed deep, and ran her fingers through her hair. "Bumalik siya sa dati. He screams. He even threw away his guitar. Hindi na kumakain. Hindi na siya makausap nang maayos. He was so lost."

We were both silent. Her tears stopped and mine didn't. I was still saying 'I'm sorry' even though I know it will do no better.

"W-Where is he? I want to–"

"Where the hell do you think?" she said. "He left. He left us. With clothes. With his motorcycle. He's never been back for two weeks." She stepped closer to me. "I'm sorry, but I'm blaming you. Kung hindi dahil sa 'yo, nandito pa rin sana siya. Kung hindi dahil sa katangahan mo," she said and paused as if she'd stung herself with her own words. "Sana masaya siya. You should've given him a chance. You should've appreciated his efforts rather than leaving him without a word. He loved you more than anything else! He gave himself to you, so what did you think happened to him when you left? He was so broken!"

"You don't understand!" I said stupidly, and I sniffed. I looked at my trembling fingers. "I... I left him because I, because I, I... I didn't want him to burden himself –"

"Sa tingin mo ba 'yon ang gusto niyang mangyari? Iwanan mo siya sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa niya para sa 'yo?"

That shut me up, and made me shake my head.

"You killed him," she said, like a whisper. "You said you'll stay by his side. And I trusted you."

Before she turned her back on me, she said, those words that kept on stinging my heart even until now.

"But you're a liar."

--

I was so lost, I ended up crying on their front porch. It took me a whole lot of courage to stand up and walk away, but Steph's words hurt so hard I felt so heavy.

I told him once, under the night sky and the tree, that I will always stay. He smiled at me, a thankful smile, and he kissed my forehead. His kiss brings heat sprawling against my skin, and I treasured the sensation. How badly I wanted to have him again, but Steph is right – I killed him. I threw him away from my life.

One word that described my feeling: hollow.

He completed me. I lost Kuya but Sean's pieces – he gave them to me and I became whole. And when I left him, so did his pieces, and there was nothing left in my soul but a deep hole. I longed for him.

But there was nothing I could do.

My feet took me towards our old house, I didn't know why. But what I saw on our front porch sent my heart beating so fast, and even if my feet were weak, I ran.

His guitar was there. And a note.

In a white post-it.

I covered my lips that were about to shake. My hand was shaking when I reached for the note.

I love you, Maurice – I always will.

We'll never meet again, but if we ever will, please smile to me. Your face is one of the things I'll never forget.

I burst into tears, crying like it's the last time I will release tears.

I couldn't explain the pain I've felt, but I didn't have the right to blame anyone for it.

I was heartbroken. I was in pain. I was so hurt. Lost.

And I was the reason why.

The last thought I had before leaving our city again is that I know, Sean and I will just be a memory; an unforgettable one. A memory I'll hold onto. A heartbreak I'll never forget. An experience to feel temporarily.

It was so hard to accept.

But I had to.

♥