shicekizean

It is, I think, wondrous, that all these things I write down on this diary came from my vague memories. Remembering all them is like seeing a blurry tape, all unclear but his eyes - just his eyes. Until now, even years after, I can still feel the electricity I felt back then under those gazes. It was just beautiful. And although my memory of the scenes I had with him are hazy, faint pictures, at least I know that what I feel - and what I'll forever feel, stays the same. Stays unscathed. Still as clear as always.

Why I Loved the Bad Boy

I was obsessed with my brokenness. I could've accepted it if Sean himself hurt me, but the painful thing is, he'll never do that. All through the months I've known him, he has never hurt me. And that fact is the one that's been hurting me ever since I found his note on our front porch. 


It was painful. I tried looking for him, went everywhere he could have gone, but to no result. I've went home a lot of times with a down heart. And spent nights crying on my pillow.


It's so funny how months of meeting someone can leave you so much pain that will last for more years and years and years. 


A couple of years after losing Sean, Ralph told me he is in love with me. I thought if there's anyone close to how kind and great Sean is, it will be Ralph. I didn't love him as much as I loved Sean. I didn't yearn for Ralph's voice as much as I yearned for Sean's. I didn't want to drown myself in his arms as much as I wanted in Sean's. But I loved him, for who he was and what he was willing to offer for me, so after another couple of years, I reciprocated Ralph's feelings.


It sounds unfair, knowing I loved Sean more than Ralph, and I told him that. I told him I am in love with someone I couldn't have, and he said he was alright with it. It touched my heart, how he was so willing to give up his heart even if I couldn't wholly give mine in return.


I loved Ralph. I loved him, but the amount of love I felt for him will never surpass my love for Sean. It was unfair, on his part, because he could've found someone that will love him as much as he will. But he'd always told me that I shouldn't think of it, because he said, assuring me, that he'll never love someone else. 


I've been with Ralph for so many years. We've spent anniversaries, say 'I love you's' and we kiss. I love him, but even on those days, I am in love with Sean. Or maybe in the memory we had. And the feelings that was left hanging. All I know is he's someone so special that occupied my heart and mind, even years after.


Ralph died when he was 50, due to sickness. I was hurt. I was so hurt, so much pain that made me remember the same pain I had on Sean's front porch. Like something was taken away from me. The deep hole.


I continued living, my three children around me, making me feel special and loved. They were strong for me. So I had to be strong for them.


Years after, I've moved on from Ralph's death, but of course I still missed him. Until now. He'd been my man for decades, and forgetting him is impossible.


I love him in many ways you can imagine. I love him through pain, bliss, hard times and relaxed times. I love him that seeing his name or writing his name feels so beautifully odd. I love him even if I haven't seen him for so long, even if his face isn't as clear in my head, even if I can barely feel the familiar heat of his lips and touch against my skin, and even if miles and miles separate us. 


I love him, because without him, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today. Maybe I wouldn't know what real love truly means. 


♥                                                                               


Chapter Twenty-two