shicekizean

It is, I think, wondrous, that all these things I write down on this diary came from my vague memories. Remembering all them is like seeing a blurry tape, all unclear but his eyes - just his eyes. Until now, even years after, I can still feel the electricity I felt back then under those gazes. It was just beautiful. And although my memory of the scenes I had with him are hazy, faint pictures, at least I know that what I feel - and what I'll forever feel, stays the same. Stays unscathed. Still as clear as always.

Why I Loved the Bad Boy

Ralph and I married on June 15, when I was twenty-six.


It was a sunny day. It was so hot, and everyone in the church had sweats collecting on their foreheads. Colors of white and black silks, with a little of pink, scattered around the church, and they seemed to glisten under the bright, white chandelier. My parents and Ralph's stood in front, smiling reassuringly, proud and happy that we've found each other that will stay through sickness and wealth. 


Ralph and I stood in front of the priest. He was happy. I was happy, I admit, to be connected with someone's soul for the rest of my life. We told our vows. We said 'I do's' and we kissed, smiled, and faced the crowd.


I was happy, stretching my lips upward and showing off my teeth. Ralph's hand was wrapped around my waist, mine was wrapped around his.


And as I was smiling to everyone, I saw something at the corner of my eye.


A tall young man, wearing a black shirt and ripped jeans. Shining black piercing on his ear. Blazing dark eyes.


He was smiling, looking in my eyes, and my heart beats a thousand times after.


I remembered his note. He said I should smile when I meet him again but when I saw him, my smile fell off my face. I was so surprised. I was dumbstruck and my palms went cold. 


His hand slowly went up to his forehead, and he formed a salute. I opened my mouth and tried to call him, but when he saluted he turned around, hands in his pockets, and walked away.


No—, I remember thinking. Sean, please!


I told Ralph I have to go for a little moment, and I ran. I ran towards the gate, looked around and for any signs of a black shirt and a guitar, and I ran further.


He was crossing the street, but when I was about to follow him the stoplight went green. I grunted, and looked for Sean again.


I didn't know if he will hear me, but I tried to heighten my voice. I gripped on my gown tightly. I remember the first time we met. He was like that, too, walking away from me, hands on pockets. I was behind him, running, shouting. Remembering it makes tears run down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them. I couldn't stop them.


He turned around, cars running between us. The sun was ablaze, the cars were fast, but our eyes managed to meet. 


I was, again, struck by his gaze. It never changed. It never failed to make my whole system go crazy, and messy just because of the power of his eyes.


And what he did next made me want to cry and laugh and scream at the same time. It was as if seeing him do it was my first time again. And maybe it was. My heart crumpled, my knees weakened, and I wanted to drop on the ground. I could only cry. 


Then he walked away for the last time. 


Chapter Twenty-three