What's in your heart?

"Do you remember Archer, Eli?"

I was thinking about the past as I nodded in reply to his question and then I said, "Just as well as I remember Rose."

His arms went around my waist as he said, "Yes, you do. So we have encountered these situations before, there's nothing to worry about. I have nothing to gain by letting her back into my life."

I replied to him in an exasperated voice, "It's not about gaining anything, Miraj. The last time I loved someone, he left me for another because his heart was with her. I gave up on love after that. What am I supposed to do if one day you decide that having her beside you is more important than all that you have? What if one day you choose to side with your heart rather than your brain?" My voice had reduced to unconscious mumbling in the end and I lowered my head once again.

He leaned down whispered in my ear huskily, "She has to be in my heart, for that to happen, Eli."

I looked back up, into his eyes, trying to understand if he was telling the truth. It didn't help so I told him my dilemma, "And I am supposed to take your word for it? Believe that you have moved on from her? After you let her stay with Mathews on our property? I have seen the effect she has on you. Maybe you don't love her but she still affects you. Try denying it all you can, all that pain wasn't just from the trauma of your mother's death or your father's indifference."

He was quiet for a few seconds, then he sighed and said, "I suppose you're right. There is still pain. But there is no chance of her having a place in my heart again. I am not fond of second chances. I let her stay with Mathews because I feel guilty towards him. She left Anmya because of me and now he only gets to see his daughter when he takes a leave, which isn't often. I thought letting her stay here would make him happy and on what grounds would I have said no?"

I imagined Miraj denying the doctor's request because Tatiana made us uncomfortable. Yeah, no, that wasn't happening. That would be admitting to a weakness and we can't afford that.

I still wasn't convinced by his words though and I didn't know what to say. Arguing with him was useless because both of us were convincing liars. Even though I knew I was being truthful, I had no idea about him. I wouldn't be able to tell his truth from false.

"That's a good explanation. But why should I believe you?"

"I'll leave then. I have a meeting coming up in London next week. I wasn't going to go because of my father but if it reassures you then I will leave. I can stay for about a week. The lesser I am in contact with her, the more satisfied you will be, right?"

I thought about the Cross Security meeting in London next week as a plan came to me. I nodded without thinking much.

"Alright, then. Just try not to get too worked up about this, Eli. I need you to focus on planning the attack against my father. If you can't, just let me know so I will handle that."

Ah, the bastard had sweet-talked me into clearing my head of this bullcrap with his ex. My husband was a sly man. I hated it.

I pulled back from his embrace, fake-smiled at him and said, "Yeah. You should leave for work. I will go see what Ari's doing."

I left the room without looking back.

***

I was in my study, going through the files on Morettis and familiarizing myself with the enemy. But I couldn't focus. My mind kept going back to the past, looking for signs of Miraj being unfaithful. I kept wondering if he had met his old flame in the last five years.

As I sat there, I was haunted by my own nightmare. The one that started with the joy and happiness of being with the one person I had loved since I was a kid and how that love ended in betrayal and death. I drowned myself in training and violence after that. When it got to be too much I would go to the nearest bar and find a stranger. Till I met him.

Being with Miraj for that one hour... was a break from all of the hidden pain. He kept me on my toes, thinking about all sorts of things about him. I would wonder what it would be like to be with him? Sometimes I would wonder if he wants to kill me? What would it be like to fight him? I didn't have time to berate myself for crying over the betraying bastard I loved for eight years.

I stopped the deranged life I had been living for a year after Daniel's death, when I met Miraj. It gave me hope that I could get over it all. I could make it so that all this guilt I felt over killing a man, who didn't love me yet deceived me, didn't go to waste. I decided to strike at the man at the starting point of this train-wreck. My father. That was when I made my plans for the coup d'etat.