Thought-23-Last night I dreamed

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party. Talking to my friends and family, I ate away my awkwardness. The feeling of not really knowing the people who call themselves your lived ones, I feel bad because I know I don't love them at all. The least I could do was talk to them, make them feel like I was part of this group that had made me an outlier.

Then, he was in front of me. It happened so quick, it stunned me for a couple seconds. Why would he be here. So many emotions welled up at once, looking at his face smiling back at me. Tears fell down my cheeks, ones of happiness, sadness, and grief. I threw up, so many words I wanted to say.

I couldnt get one of them out.

He just looked at me, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to say I wanted to come back, I wanted to ask for his forgiveness. All I could do was cry, making more of a mess of this thing that they all have; that I once had.

Even in my dreams I couldn't face him, what hope do I have in real life? Last night I dreamed my reality, my fear and loneliness of the people around me, of the immense grief and regret I felt upon leaving him, of they way things should.

Last night I dreamed.