Thought-24-Please Forgive Me.

I cant understand the emotions running through my head. I feel so lonely, so sad, and I know who can help me end this suffering but I continue to distance myself, why? Again I tell these endless lies, why?

Why can't i be honest with others and myself, why can't i just be who I am without being afraid.

Maybe because I'm afraid, thats just who I am, im just a coward. I've traveled so far, have i yet to change from that kid on the playground. Im afraid of being hurt so I make up reasons to keep away from others. All that time, long ago, when I was screaming at other kids was it anger that filled me, or fear and sadness?

After every rage, didn't I eventually succumb to my sorrow? Did I not lead myself to that edge out of fear, did I not wish to save others from my self-destructing mind? Maybe I didn't, im too selfish for that. Ive never actually helped anyone, I've never made any real change; you can't tell me im lying.

People around me thank me for being kind, or helpful, or caring, amd even loving. But this hole inside didn't allow me to love any of them. Parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, and friends; I never loved. I used you to try to fill this emptiness inside.

Im sorry to all these people I hurt along the way, even my enemies. I'm sorry to all the people I tried to "fix" it wasn't my place to try to. I'm sorry to the people who I made feel loved, because I had none to give. I'm sorry to the whole, the fixed, and the broken; I know I've hurt you all in some way.

My apology can't make up for what I've done, I know that. But it's all I can do, I have nothing left to give. So I'll give you whats left of my heart, please forgive me.