Chapter 8: Diary of a Wimpy kid

(Thursday)

In school today they had a general assembly and

showed the movie "It's Great to Be Me," which

they show us every year.

The movie is all about how you should be happy

with who you are and not change anything

about yourself.

To be honest with you, I think that's a really

dumb message to be telling kids, especially the

ones at my school.

Later on, they made an announcement that

there are some openings on the Safety Patrols,

and that got me thinking.

If someone picks on a Safety Patrol, it can get

them suspended. The way I figure it, I can use

any extra protection I can get.

Plus, I realized that maybe being in a position

of authority could be good for me.

I went down to Mr. Winsky's office and signed

myself up, and I got Rowley to sign up, too.

I thought Mr. Winsky would make us do a

bunch of chin-ups or jumping jacks or something

to prove we were up for the job, but he just

handed us our belts and badges on the spot.

Mr. Winsky said the openings were for a special

assignment. Our school is right next to the

elementary school and they've got a half-day

kindergarten there.

He wants us to walk the morning session kids home

in the middle of the day. I realized that meant

we would miss twenty minutes of Pre-Algebra.

Rowley must have figured that out, too, because

he started to speak up. But I gave him a wicked

pinch underneath the desk before he could finish

his sentence.

Icouldn'tbelievemyluck.Iwasgettinginstantbully

protectionandafreepassfromhalfofPre-Algebra,

andIdidn'tevenhavetoliftafinger.

(Tuesday)

Today was our first day as Safety Patrols. Me and

Rowley doesn't technically have stations like all the

other Patrols, so that means we don't have to stand

out in the freezing cold for an hour before school.

But that didn't stop us from coming to the

cafeteria for the free hot chocolate they hand

out to the other Patrols before homeroom.

Another great perk is that you get to show up

ten minutes late for the first period.

I'm telling you, I've got it made with this

Safety Patrol thing.

At 12:15, me and Rowley left school and walked

the kindergartners home. The whole trip ate up

forty-five minutes, and there were only twenty

minutes of Pre-Algebra left when we got back.

Walking the kids home was no sweat. But one of

the kindergartners started to smell a little funny,

and I think maybe he had an accident in his pants.

He tried to let me know about it, but I just

stared straight ahead and kept walking. I' l l

take these kids home, but believe me, I didn't

sign up for any diaper duty.

*February*

(Wednesday)

Today it snowed for the first time this winter,

and school was canceled. We were supposed to

have a test in Pre-Algebra, and I've kind of

slacked off ever since I became a Safety Patrol.

So I was psyched.

I called Rowley and told him to come over. Me and

him have been talking about building the world's

biggest snowman for the past couple of years now.

And when I say the world's biggest snowman,

I'm not kidding. Our goal is to get into the

"Guinness Book of World Records."

But every time we've gotten serious about going

for the record, all the snow has melted, and

we've missed our window of opportunity. So this

year, I wanted to get started right away.

When Rowley came over, we started rolling the

first snowball to make the base. I figured the

base was going to have to be at least eight feet

tall on its own if we wanted to have a shot at

breaking the record. But the snowball got real

heavy, and we had to take a bunch of breaks in

between rolls so we could catch our breath.

During one of our breaks, Mom came outside to go

to the grocery store, but our snowball was blocking

her car in. So we got a little free labor out of her.

After our break, me and Rowley pushed that

snowball until we couldn't push it any farther.

But when we looked behind us, we saw the mess

we had made.

The snowball had gotten so heavy that it tore

up all the sod Dad had just laid down this fall.

I was hoping it would snow a few more inches

and cover up our tracks, but just like that, it

stopped snowing.

Our plan to build the world's biggest snowman

was starting to fall apart. So I came up with a

better idea for our snowball.

Every time it snows, the kids from Whirley

Street uses our hill for sledding, even though this

isn't their neighborhood.

So tomorrow morning, when the Whirley Street

kids come marching up our hill, me and Rowley are

going to teach those guys a lesson.

(Thursday)

When I woke up this morning, the snow was

already starting to melt. So I told Rowley to

hurry up and get down to my house.

While I was waiting for Rowley to show up, I

watched Manny trying to build a snowman out of

the piddly crumbs of snow that were leftover

from our snowball.

It was actually kind of pathetic.

I really couldn't help doing what I did next.

Unfortunately for me, right at that moment,

Dad was at the front window.

Dad was already mad at me for tearing up

the sod, so I knew I was in for it. I heard the

garage door open and I saw Dad coming outside.

He marched right out carrying a snow shovel, and I

thought I was going to have to make a run for it.

But Dad was heading for my snowball, not me.

And in less than a minute, he reduced all our

hard work to nothing.

Rowley came by a few minutes later. I thought he

might actually get a kick out of what happened.

But I guess he had his heart set on rolling

that snowball down the hill, and he was really

mad. But get this: Rowley was mad at me for

what DAD did.

I told Rowley he was being a big baby, and we

got in a shoving match. Right when it looked like

we were going to get in an all-out fight, we got

ambushed from the street.

It was a hit-and-run by the Whirley Street kids.

And if Mrs. Levine, my English teacher, was

there, I'm sure she would have said the whole

situation was "ironic."