Chapter 7: Diary of a Wimpy Kid

*December*

(Thursday)

The play is only a couple of days away, and I

have no idea how we're going to pull this thing off.

First of all, nobody has bothered to learn their

lines, and that's all Mrs. Norton's fault.

During rehearsal, Mrs. Norton whispers everyone's

lines to them from the side of the stage.

I wonder how it's going to go next Tuesday

when Mrs. Norton is sitting at her piano thirty

feet away.

Another thing that's screwing everything up is

that Mrs. Norton keeps adding new scenes and

new characters.

Yesterday, she brought in this first-grader to

play Dorothy's dog, Toto. But today, the kid's

mom came in and said she wanted her child to

walk around on two legs, because crawling around

on all fours would be too "degrading."

So now we've got a dog that's gonna be walking

around on his hind legs for the whole show.

But the worst change is that Mrs. Norton actually

wrote a song that we trees have to sing.

She said everyone "deserves" a chance to sing

in the play.

So today we spent an hour learning the worst

song that's ever been written.

Thank God Rodrick won't be in the audience to

see me humiliate myself. Mrs. Norton said the

play is going to be a "semiformal occasion," and

I know there's no way Rodrick is going to wear

a tie for a middle school play.

But today wasn't all bad. Toward the end of

practice, Archie Kelly tripped over Rodney James

and chipped his tooth because he couldn't stick

his arms out to break his fall.

So the good news is, they're letting us Trees

carve out armholes for the performance.

Tuesday

Tonight was the big school production of "The Wizard

of Oz". The first sign that things were not going to

go well happened before the play even started. I was peeking through the

curtain to check out how many people showed up to see the play, and guess who was standing

right up front? My brother Rodrick, wearing a clip-on tie.

He must have found out I was singing, and he

couldn't resist the chance to see me embarrass myself.

The play was supposed to start at 8:00, but it got

delayed because Rodney James had stage fright.

You'd figure that someone whose job it was to sit

on the stage and do nothing could just suck it up

for one performance. But Rodney wouldn't budge,

and eventually, his mom had to carry him off.

The play finally got started around 8:30.

Nobody could remember their lines, just like I

predicted, but Mrs. Norton kept things moving

along with her piano.

The kid who played Toto brought a stool and a

pile of comic books onto the stage, and that

totally ruined the whole "dog" effect.

When it was time for the forest scene, me and

the other Trees hopped into our positions. The

curtains rose, and when they did, I heard

Manny's voice.

Great. I have been able to keep that nickname

quiet for five years, and now all of a sudden

the whole town knew it. I could feel about 300

pairs of eyeballs pointed my way.

So I did some quick ad-libbing and I was able to

deflect the embarrassment over to Archie Kelly.

But the major embarrassment was still on the

way. When I heard Mrs. Norton playing the

first few bars of "We Three Trees," I felt my

stomach jump.

I looked out at the audience, and I noticed

Rodrick was holding a video camera.

I knew that if I sang the song and Rodrick

recorded it, he would keep the tape forever and

use it to humiliate me for the rest of my life.

I didn't know what to do, so when the time

came to start singing, I just kept my mouth shut.

For a few seconds there, things went ok. I

figured that if I didn't technically sing the

song, then Rodrick wouldn't have anything to

hold over my head. But after a few seconds, the

other Trees noticed I wasn't singing.

I guess they must've thought I knew something

that they didn't, so they stopped singing, too.

Now the three of us were just standing there,

not saying a word. Mrs. Norton must have

thought we forgot the words to the song

because she came over to the side of the stage

and whispered the rest of the lyrics to us.

The song is only about three minutes long, but

to me, it felt like an hour and a half. I was just

praying the curtains would go down so we could

hop off the stage.

That's when I noticed Patty Farrell standing in

the wings. And if looks could kill, us Trees would

be dead. She probably thought we were ruining her

chances of making it to Broadway or something.

Seeing Patty standing there reminded me why I

signed up to be a Tree in the first place.

Pretty soon, the rest of the Trees started

throwing apples, too. I think Toto even got in

on the act.

Somebody knocked the glasses off of Patty's

head and one of the lenses broke. Mrs. Norton

had to shut down the play after that, because

Patty can't see two feet in front of her

without her glasses.

After the play was over, my family went home

together. Mom had brought a bouquet of flowers,

and I guess they were supposed to be for me.

But she ended up tossing them in the trash can

on the way out the door.

I just hope that everyone who came to see the

play was as entertained as I was.

(Wednesday)

Well, if one good thing came out of the play, it's

that I don't have to worry about the "Bubby"

nickname anymore.

I saw Archie Kelly getting hassled in the hallway

after fifth period today, so it looks like I can

finally, start to breathe a little easier.

(Sunday)

With all this stuff going on at school, I

haven't even had time to think about Christmas.

And it's less than ten days away.

In fact, the only thing that tipped me off

that Christmas was coming was when Rodrick put

his wish list up on the refrigerator.

I usually make a big wishlist every year, but

this Christmas, all I really want is this video

game called Twisted Wizard.

Tonight Manny was going through the Christmas

catalog, picking out all the stuff he wants with

a big red marker. Manny was circling every single

toy in the catalog. He was even circling really

expensive things like a giant motorized car and

stuff like that.

So I decided to step in and give him some good

big-brotherly advice.

I told him that if he circled stuff that was

too expensive, he was going to end up with a

bunch of clothes for Christmas. I said he

should just pick three or four medium-priced

gifts so he would end up with a couple of

things he actually wanted.

But of course, Manny just went back to circling

everything again. So I guess he'll just have to

learn the hard way.

When I was seven, the only thing I really

wanted for Christmas was a Barbie Dream House.

And not because I like girls' toys, like

Rodrick said.

I just thought it would be a really awesome fort

for my toy soldiers.

When Mom and Dad saw my wishlist that year,

they got in a big fight over it. Dad said there was

no way he was getting me a dollhouse, but Mom

said it was healthy for me to "experiment" with

whatever kind of toys I wanted to play with.

Believe it or not, Dad actually won that argument.

Dad told me to start my wishlist over and pick

some toys that were more "appropriate" for boys.

But I have a secret weapon when it comes to

Christmas. My Uncle Charlie always gets me whatever

I want. I told him I wanted the Barbie Dream

House and he said he'd hook me up.

On Christmas, when Uncle Charlie gave me my

gift, it was not what I asked for. He must've

walked into the toy store and picked up the first

thing he saw that had the word "Barbie"

on it.

So if you ever see a picture of me where I'm

holding a Beach Fun Barbie, now at least you

know the whole story.

Dad wasn't really happy when he saw what Uncle

Charlie got me. He told me to either throw it

out or give it away to charity.

But I kept it anyway. And ok, I admit maybe

I took it out and played with it once or twice.

That's how I ended up in the emergency room

two weeks later with a pink Barbie shoe stuck up

my nose. And believe me, Rodrick has never let

me hear the end of that.

(Thursday)

Tonight me and Mom went out to get a gift for

the Giving Tree at church. The Giving Tree is

basically a Secret Santa kind of thing where you

get a gift for someone who is needy.

Mom picked out a red wool sweater for our

Giving Tree guy.

I tried to talk Mom into getting something a

lot cooler, like a TV or a slushie machine or

something like that.

Because imagine if all you got on Christmas was

a wool sweater.

I'm sure our Giving Tree guy will throw his sweater

in the trash, along with the ten cans of yams we

sent his way during the Thanksgiving Food Drive.

Christmas

When I woke up this morning and went downstairs,

there were about a million gifts under the Christmas

tree. But when I started digging around, there

were hardly any gifts with my name on them.

But Manny made out like a bandit. He got eVery

single thing he circled in the catalog, no lie. So

I'll bet he's glad he didn't listen to me.

I did find a couple of things with my name on

them, but they were mostly books and socks and

stuff like that.

I opened my gifts in the corner behind the

couch because I don't like opening gifts near

Dad. Whenever someone opens a gift, Dad swoops

right in and cleans up after them.

I gave Manny a toy helicopter and I gave

Rodrick a book about rock bands. Rodrick gave

me a book, too, but of course, he didn't wrap it.

The book he got me was "Best of L'il Cutie."

"L'il Cutie" is the worst comic in the newspaper,

and Rodrick knows how much I hate it. I think

this is the fourth year in a row I've gotten a

"L'il Cutie" book from him.