There's a Strange Feeling Here

"Hey." Fingers snap in front of my face, and Blaire bends down to level her gaze with mine, her lips turned into a frown.

"Hmm?" I blink, realizing I'm still stirring the pink-colored strawberry flavored cupcake batter like a robot. Immediately, I stop, my cheeks matching the color of the dough in embarrassment for not paying attention.

"What are you smiling about all to yourself like that?" Blaire questions, taking the bowl with me. "You haven't stopped grinning since the moment I've seen you, I don't know whether I should be happy for you or creeped out." This makes my face tingle with even more warmth as my embarrassment grows. Me smiling to myself like that probably is totally creepy.

"I'm just in a really good mood," I tell her, still smiling brightly. Blaire squints at me.

"Hmm." She skims over my face with her eyes. "Is it a boy?" I open my mouth to deny it, but my small laugh slips out, giving it away.

"No..." I try to press everything on my face together so it can look normal, but it doesn't help. A smile creeps over Blaire's face.

"Who? Are you going to show me? You gotta show me, there's no way--" She stops as the door swings open and Seojun enters, glancing between the two of us with a confused look.

"Did I interrupt something?" He asks. I shake my head.

"Nope."

"Ok..." His eyes follow Blaire as she leaves, giving me a look as she lets the door fall behind her. Sighing, I use the back of my hand to brush loose strands of my hair back before taking the bowl of batter to the counter behind me, giving it to Seo. As I place it beside him, I notice the darkness under his eyes which were never there before. This guy has beautifully clear skin, so the bags today are pretty darn noticeable.

"You good?" I ask. I can tell that the smile he gives me is very forced, because it seems too stretched. It makes me think back to the letter. Something has to be going on. There's no way it would be a joke, would there? Even Pierce has something going on in his life. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to help with. Even though I have no clue whatsoever why I would be the one to help. I seriously need to figure out where those letters came from.

"Yup." I lean my elbows onto the counter, raising my eyebrows.

"Tell me what happened."

"What makes you think anything happened?" He asks, turning away. I hold out a finger, pointing to his eyes.

"Your face." Seo sighs.

"I look like crap, don't I? I didn't really get much sleep."

"Nah." I shake my head. "You just have eye bags. Nothing too bad."

"It's just because I'm tired. But I drank a really strong cup of coffee this morning, so I can work, so I'll be fine," he tells me. I nod slowly, watching him carefully. I'll let it go right now, because later will be the time to dig in and figure out this whole situation.

"Mishal!" Blaire suddenly calls from the front. She bursts in the room. "You go to the front and deal with these people."

"Uh, ok," I say, making my way out. I quickly transition into cashier mode. As I'm helping a blonde couple, I notice the lady squint at my name tag.

"Why does your name look like that?" she asks rudely. My heart thumps. What?

"Sorry, what do you mean?" I ask. "It's in Arabic."

"Arabic?" The lady's name shifts to disgust. "So you're one of the terrorist freaks? What the hell are you doing here?"

"E-excuse me?" I say, taken aback. I can feel the heat of my anxiety rushing up to my chest and rising into my flushed face. "I-I'm not..."

"Take that back, you bitch," I hear a voice come from behind me. Blaire's hands go on my shoulders, comforting me a little. Taking deep breaths to calm myself, I try to relax.

"Who are you calling a bitch, huh?" The lady demands. "Those people are out there exploding people and cutting heads and you're calling ME a bitch???" Her voice starts to get louder. Heads turn in our direction. "You--"

"You can get the hell out of my bakery," another voice interrupts. Heels click on the bakery floor. Tammi's floral scented perfume fills the air as she walks in, taking off her sunglasses to give the couple a challenging evil eye. "Before a bigger scene is made." They don't budge for a moment. After hesitant glances however, they hurry out, flipping us all off. Tammi rolls her eyes. "Morons." She looks at me. "You ok hun?" I swallow the dry lump in my throat.

"Um... I don't know," I say quietly.

"Let's go to the back. Blaire you take care here," Tammi orders.

"You got it," Blaire says. She turns to me. "Don't pay attention to people like them. They're assholes who shouldn't matter." I nod, heart still thumping.

"Yeah," I say before following Tammi to the back. "I'm fine," I tell her. ""I think I just need a little time to think and process. That was so unexpected and really just came at me." Tammi smiles, patting my shoulder.

"You're a strong kid Mishal. Keep that smile on always, you got that?" I nod firmly, my lips stretching without force. I'm relieved for this support.

"What happened?" Seojun asked.

"Some disrespectful bitch came in," Tammi tells him, rolling her eyes. I'm surprised to hear all of them curse here, thinking they'd at least maintain professionalism at work. I guess not. "I need you two to do a delivery for me. I put 'em in Seo's trunk, and I texted you both the address. Go an get it done, I know you two both need a little break from humans." I glance at Seojun, my lips pursing, a weird feeling dawning over me. I know he took me to work before, but going again is making me a little uneasy. Maybe it's because my nerves got hit from the mini incident just now. I know I'd get in trouble first of all, and second I just shouldn't be by myself with boys. That's how Islam works. But I shrug it off. It's just work and it's just Seojun. It's whatever.

I get into the passenger seat of the car, turning to stare out the window as Seojun starts the engine. The feeling of his quick glances towards me make me fold my arms and continue to stare hard at the window, not even paying attention to what eyes are looking at.

"So are you not going to tell me what happened?" Seojun asks me. I take a slow deep breath in and shake my head. Something in me just doesn't feel like talking to him about it.

"There isn't anything to say," I tell him. "Come on, let's go so we can head back quickly. I swear for a moment he looks hurt, but with a nod he pulls out of the parking lot. We don't really speak much for the rest of the day.

When I get home in the evening, Asad isn't there, much to my disappointment. Of course. He's probably out with his friends. I think of anyone else I can talk to. The first person that comes to mind is honestly Pierce, but I shake it off. We're not friends. Why would I talk to him? I scroll through my contacts and find my fingers hovering over Amal's name. I haven't heard from her in so long. Even before when we did text, it was always me texting her first. On top of that, she was always busy, always having some excuse for not being able to hang out. And then she just disappeared on me. And my friends from school... as supportive as they are, they're just not the greatest to talk to. Sighing, I close my phone and put it in my dresser drawer before jumping into bed and curling up in my blankets. Man I'm so tired. A good nap is probably what I need to make this weird empty mood go away.

My eyes start to get heavy and slowly fall closed. It feels so cozy and warm. I wish I could stay like this forever. I--

"MISHAL COME DOWNSTAIRS," Mamma shouts suddenly. My eyes fly open abruptly. I throw my covers off, irritated. Why can't she ever leave me alone?

"Coming!" I shout. I rub my face and fix my hair, quickly tying it up into a braid that falls over one shoulder as I hurry downstairs.

"What were you doing?" She asks me, looking me up and down from the dining room she's sitting on.

"Sleeping," I mutter, already know she's going to have something to say about it. Mamma frowns.

"Why are you sleeping right now? It's after asr (the third prayer of the day) and you haven't done anything all day. Go do the dishes, I need to cook dinner," she says. I take a deep breath in, controlling my frustration.

"Okay." I walk over to the sink but stiffen as she speaks up again.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you always showing attitude?"

"I'm not," I say, avoiding her gaze. "I'm just tired."

"You don't do anything all day, you have no right to act like this," she says, getting up to put her mug by the sink. "Get rid of that expression." I bite the inside of my cheeks, my chest boiling as she goes upstairs. Attitude? What attitude? Tears rim my eyes, and I blink fast to push them back. I've been out all fucking day. Why does she always think so lowly of me? I glare at the dishes. I know I have to do the damn dishes, it's my job, but no, I just HAVE to constantly pick up after every single person every five seconds. Why can't she just let me do everything at my own pace?

My breathing becomes heavier as I blink even more. Pushing my sleeves back, I pull my hood over my head and start putting the dishes into the dishwasher, then start scrubbing the stacks of pots and pans sitting on the counter sitting next to the already crowded sink. I don't mind doing the chores honestly. I just hate it when people don't leave me alone and let me do it on my own.

Just as I'm about to finish, Asad comes in.

"Hey." I ignore him. He frowns. "Okay." He opens the fridge and starts taking out food for himself, giving me more dishes to do. I slam the brush on the counter.

"Wash these yourself when you're done," I snap, storming upstairs.

"It's your job, you can do it," he calls back. I flip him off. Stupid siblings. Rubbing back frustrated tears, and climb back into bed, hiding under my blanket, opening up Instagram. Pierce posted on his story. I open it up and see that he's with his friends. For some reason that makes me sad. I want to be able to hang out with them. With him. But I'm just not apart of them and their group. I look at the tags and notice Scarlet's name instantly. My heart sinks even further. They seem close. I wonder how close they are. They get along so well. Sighing, I just off my phone and stuff my phone in my pillow. Where is this stupid feeling coming from? I think back to earlier today, replaying what happened at the bakery. I felt really attacked, and shook. And it made me... even more insecure about myself. I can't even defend my own religion. I just froze when that lady was being rude. I wish I spoke up. I want to be able to represent Islam in a good way. I don't want to be a shy Muslim. I want to be cool and outspoken so I can present myself as a Muslim in a confident way. But... I'm far from that. I'm not pretty, not fit, I'm so bad at socializing. I'm not liked the way other people are. I'm just there.

Tears fill my eyes again. Seriously, where is this feeling coming from? I rub my eyes. I this. I want it to go away, damn.