Cry, But Stand Up Right After

I wake up the next morning to my younger siblings screaming at each other, calling each other stupid and dumb. I groan, shoving my head under my pillow.

"Can you guys shut up??" I shout.

"You shut up!" My little brother shouts back. My nose flares in anger, but I don't say anything else, knowing it won't get anywhere. The sun is shining brightly through our bedroom's window. It looks too bright for it to be early in the morning. Frowning, I check my phone to see the time and notice a snap notification which makes my heart thump from surprise and excitement. It's from Pierce. Forgetting to look at the time, I open it.

Where were u this morning? he'd asked. My heart starts to beat even faster, and I glance at the time. It's twelve forty-five. I guess Asad didn't wake me up for a run today. Probably because of how I was acting yesterday.

I overslept, I snap back, sending one of those side face pictures after fixing my hair. After I send it, I put my dying phone on the charger since I'd forgotten to last night, then head to the bathroom, in a much better mood suddenly. I dance and sing in the mirror as I brush my teeth, grinning from ear to ear. I don't stop smiling as I decide to skip eating and go out for a walk since my parents aren't home. Asad's car is in the driveway, which means he can take care of our little siblings.

But as I start to walk, I get deep in my head. Does Pierce really care, or he's just trying to fill his curiosity? Nah. I shake his head. He asked, so he does care a little, right? I bite my lip, starting to get anxious again. A group of pretty girls walk by me, laughing and giggling together. I eye their clothes, noticing their cute outfits. One girl is wearing sweats, but you can tell she has a nice body. My insecurities start to get the best of me. Pierce would never like me if there are girls like her out there who exist. There's no reason for him to be interested.

My phone pings and a notification from Pierce pops up again.

Oh is everything good? Asad said u were in a mood yesterday, he says. My heart thumps again.

What did he say? I ask.

Are you at the park right now? he responds.

Yeah haha I am, I say. He must've noticed from the background of my snap picture.

But what did my brother say? I ask again. He opens it, but I don't get a response. I wait.

"He just said you were in a mood so he didn't wake you up," a voice says from behind me, causing me to jump. Startled, I turn abruptly to see Pierce standing right behind me.

"Oh my gosh you scared me," I say with a small laugh. He laughs back.

"Sorry," he says. He stuffs his hands in his jogger's pockets. "So? How are you?"

"Um..." I can feel my heartbeat racing so fast, and my flushed cheeks growing warmer and fuzzier from all my nerves. I want to look at him, but at the same time it feels like I can't focus on his face. Nothing I'm seeing or hearing is processing. So I look away, staring at the sidewalk. "Honestly, I don't really know," I tell him.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"I've been... I've been feeling so weird lately. I don't know, I've never really been this... sad before. I've never been this anxious or this insecure," I start to say. And now that I get that out, I suddenly want to pour everything out and tell him everything. "Yesterday at work, some lady made me panic because she came at my religion and was about to start a whole scene. I got so nervous. And it felt so short, and like it didn't really matter, but it hit me so hard because I've never really experienced any direct hate like that. And I couldn't even defend myself, I just froze.

Suddenly after that I didn't want to talk to anyone. No, it's more like I couldn't really think of anyone to call or text or go to. I do have friends I guess, but at the same time I just feel like they're people I hang out with when they're around and because I'm just there and they're just there. I don't know how to explain." I pause and look at Pierce. He's watching me intently, listening carefully.

"Sometimes, I feel so empty," I continue. "I'm sad, but I'm not aching sad. I'm always anxious, sometimes I'm unmotivated to do anything. My anxiety makes me really sad and really really insecure. I compare myself to other people too much, and wish I could be more confident and be a better version of me, but I just... suck. I care what people think too much and I feel like I can't do shit. I feel like a total mess. It feels so stupid. All of this..." Tears rims my eyes, and I blink furiously to push them back. I don't want to cry in front of Pierce, that would be way too embarrassing. "...is so stupid. I'm just way too emotional." I laugh. "Sorry, this is all really--"

"It's not stupid," he interrupts. My heart thumps. "If you want to be better, then just do it," he tells me. "Who's stopping you? Seems to me like it's just you in your way. Go out and you'll fight your anxiety. Nobody fucking cares, and if they do like that woman at work, then they're either ignorant or arrogant. Fuck them. There are always people who won't like you, but at the end of the day you're the one who decides who you are. You shouldn't care."

"It's not easy to just not care," I tell him.

"Only if you tell yourself that," he says. "Just don't think about it." I blink. Easy for him to say. There's literally no way to simply "shut off" my thoughts. But I nod anyway, wanting to listen to him.

"Yeah, okay," I say. I smile. "Thank you for listening to me." He smiles back, and I can't help but get even happier and fuzzier.

"You're welcome," he says. "So--" Suddenly, my stomach grumbles, loud. My eyes widen, my face turning red. He laughs. "You're hungry? Let's go grab something to eat then." I break into a huge smile.

"Okay," I say, following him as we turn to leave the park.