There was a sense of dreariness each time the sunlight hit my covers. The solace I found in the night vanished, replaced by a churning unease in my stomach—not the good kind of butterflies.
Sometimes, I wished I could just stay in bed, avoiding the harsh reality outside. But my physical needs outweighed my emotional ones when my stomach cried out in hunger.
Even in misery, the body still needs to eat, a fact that seems to mock the severity of my emotions.
Pushing away the bed covers, I got up and stretched, combing my stray hair into a ponytail—the same routine I followed every day.
The bleak morning made me linger in the bathroom, slowly brushing my teeth, washing my face, clipping my nails. But no matter how slow I tried to be, time wasn't on my side. As I dressed in my usual long-sleeve T-shirt and denim jeans, I noticed it was nine o'clock. Despite my dilly-dallying, it took me only thirty minutes to get ready. There was a limit to how long I could sit on the toilet before my butt turned numb.
I stood at my door, steeling myself before turning the knob, knowing that behind it lay the cruel reality I faced each day.
The family.
I opened the door as softly as possible, not wanting to attract attention, and peeked outside to see if anyone was in the corridor before stepping out.
Once outside, I locked my room and crept down the stairs, trying to be quiet yet swift so no one would catch me in action.
In hindsight, it was truly pointless.
Because in the end, food was what I needed, and food in this house was usually found in the breakfast hall where the family gathered in the morning.
There was no logic to my movements, trying to stay invisible when, in the end, I would still need to face them.
Sometimes, I hated seeing them.
Their indifference and the lingering aversion in their slightest movements. Whatever contortion they had of me felt like a reflection of my own face.
My self-hate mirroring theirs.
Which was true in some way.
I hated myself for putting myself in this situation.
If it wasn't for love, I wouldn't be here.
Still, I faced the same situation each day, and numbness was setting in. There will come a day when this family won't bother me anymore, and I was simply bidding my time, holding on to the smallest hope I had left.
Love, ironically.
Not the love of this family but the love of another. Somewhere beyond these four walls, my true family was waiting for me.