Sherlock Kramer

The pizza was the best I had had in a long time and everyone seemed to think so too, because it was all gone very quickly and we were left with stuffed bellies and happy faces. It was a good chance to have a private conversation for a few minutes.

"Thanks for covering for me, Jim," Bambi said quietly. "That was quick thinking."

"Not a problem, ah, Bambi." He said. "Always happy to help out a looker like you."

"You tease!"

"No, really. You're a fox. I like this version a lot. It makes it easier to relate to you as a sister, you know. I had my doubts about Bud's idea at first. I didn't think I could adjust like he has, but this is really working for me. I feel like we've just met and I have a lot to find out about you. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and I hope you will stick around."

Jim really did seem much more at ease with the situation than he had been. He had seemed to have doubts and reservations before. Now, he seemed much more relaxed and was certainly more comfortable talking about it now.

"Listen," he said. "If you'd like to double-date with Neeka and me sometime — catch a movie or something — that's cool. Or we could just hang out."

Poor Bambi was just having one surprise after another today. She had hoped to have a better relationship with her sons by being more of a peer than a parent, but being asked to go out on a date with Jim and Neeka was far more than she had ever imagined.

"I think that's a great idea," Neeka said. "I'd like to get to know you better, too. Maybe we could go see a movie or just rent some videos sometime?"

"Careful," I warned Bambi. "Flies will get in." Her mouth hadn't actually dropped open, but from the look in her eyes it may as well have.

"Well, sure. OK," Bambi said. "I mean, if that's what you both want to do. I'd love to — hang out, sometime."

"Hey, what's going on?" Connie said, as she and Janice joined our group. Apparently our almost-whispered conversation had attracted attention. Nothing is more interesting than something that sounds like a secret.

I said, "We were just trying to talk Bambi into staying. At least until school starts in the fall. Then she gets to decide if she wants to live in a dorm room or not."

"Oh, I hope you can stay for the summer!" Connie said. Only she knew where she thought Bambi was going to go back to, but it didn't matter at all. "I can put in a good word for you with Uncle Sergio if you want. We always need waitresses at the restaurant."

"Thanks, Connie. But I already have a full-time job. The pay isn't much but the benefits are wonderful."

"Yeah, I know how that goes. Uncle Sergio is always trying to get a better health plan or better insurance or something like that. He says it's more expensive to have a good benefit package than to pay people's wages."

"Does he pay all the family members who work for him?"

"Oh, yes. He has to. For tax reasons, I think. Of course, since we all live under the same roof, I guess you could say we have a better benefit plan than most employees."

"Working with your family must be nice," Janice said, "but don't you get tired of seeing the same faces all day long?"

"I think that's why I like to get out and go wild. It does feel like I'm trapped at times and I need to escape."

Janice said, "Well, if you need to get away from your folks for awhile, you can always come over and see me."

"Thanks!" Connie said. "That's very kind of you. You're all so nice. This is not at all what I expected — not that I really knew what to expect, but this is just so different from the parties I usually go to."

"What are those parties like?" Jim asked.

"Loud music, alcohol, and people trying to convince each other that they are having a better time than they really are." As soon as she said it, Connie looked like she was startled at what came out of her mouth. "Like they had something to prove." She was clearly having one of those moments of revelation, when you suddenly realize that you've been fooling yourself.

"Sounds like you've been going to the wrong parties for the wrong reasons," I said. "What were you trying to prove, Connie?" It was a hard question to ask, but I thought it was needed. Bambi touched my arm supportively. I had the impression that she had been about to ask the same thing.

"I guess I was trying to prove that I was grown up. I think most of the people at those parties were like me, we were away from our families for the first time and we wanted to show that we weren't kids anymore. We tried to party like grown-ups, but I think we were just acting immature.

"This is weird. I know I'm the oldest one here, but you guys seem more mature to me than any of the people I've been partying with. You just seem to care about each other. Sam, especially, and Bambi too, just seem to go out of their way to make everyone feel... loved!" She sniffed back a tear and said, "I know I'm running off at the mouth."

If there ever was a moment for a group hug, this was it. Bambi and I got there first, so we got the choice spots on either side of Connie. Neeka and Janice managed to squeeze in sideways and even Jim put in supportive hand or two. At least, I think he was trying to be supportive. From the way he groped around, he may have just been trying to cop a feel.

In the emotionally-charged silence, the sound of a zipper being pulled seemed quite loud. There was an instant titter of laughter and we all froze in mid-hug to see who was about to get pants'd. I felt someone's arm moving in the press of bodies and there was some more movement before the arm withdrew. I still couldn't tell who had done what to whom. When nothing else happened, we relaxed our hug and drew back slightly from the crush.

"What was that?" Neeka asked. No one said a thing.

"Someone is being sneaky," I said. "But there is a zipper down and I'm about to find out whose, so fess-up!" I scanned everyone's face. Jim's was flushed. He reached down and stuffed his cock back into his fly and zipped his shorts back up.

"I've been fondled," he said. "Someone unzipped my shorts and took out my cock and held it for a moment. Then they just let go and left me hanging. They didn't even bother to put it away when they were through. I feel so used and degraded!"

"Poor baby!" Neeka said. "Now you know what it's like to be groped and abandoned."

"Yeah, frustrated!" He said, as we all resumed our original seats. "To use a tennis metaphor, someone has a nice forehand, but lousy follow-through."

"Ah!" I said. "The game is afoot, my dear Morgan. A crime has been committed on the person of this gentleman and we must ferret out the rapscallion responsible!"

"Rap-what?" Connie asked.

"Rapscallion! Scoundrel! Knave! Varlet! Rascal! Scalawag!"

"Did someone give Sam a thesaurus for her birthday?" Jim asked Bambi.

"I don't know, honey. And her birthday isn't until October," Bambi said.

"All this jibberjabber will not deflect the course of this investigation. I shall not be deterred."

"When in October?"

"The 31st."

"Sam was born on Halloween? That explains a lot."

"Hey!" I said. "Who's running this case?" I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that Bambi knew my birthday, but it was a pleasant one, anyway. I wondered where she got that bit of information.

"Sam Spade," Neeka said.

"Sherlock Kramer! That's who! And I'll thank you not to speak out of turn. You are as much a suspect as anyone in this room."

"Me?"

"I suspect everyone! We must narrow the field by a process of logic and deduction, my dear Morgan. You know my methods."

"Bruise and contuse, and leave them for the cops," Neeka's voice spoke in my head. I almost burst out laughing. When I had composed myself, I continued.

"We must consider the three elements of every crime: Motive, Method, and Opportunity.

"The most easily satisfied is Opportunity. We were all present when the crime was committed. We were all within arm's reach of the... the..."

"Cock."

"Penis."

"Dick."

"One-eyed wonder-worm."

"... tallywhacker at the time."

"Tallywhacker?"