RTYY 254 - A Greedy Heart

The weak arms around his neck felt like they weighed a tone, ZaiWin thought, his entire body obeying that small gesture that simply pulled him closer. Gritting his teeth, he did his best to keep his self-control. He was playing with fire, he knew, his entire body so tense and strained, his lower parts so hard and needy, that he could barely restrain himself, his own mind screaming at him, demanding that he stripped that small body naked and simply took him.

He had never felt sexual desire for another person. When ZaiWin had been old enough to start exploring such things, his mind had been fully occupied with ways to make sure his people didn't starve, with plans to eradicate the threat that the feimao posed, with strategies to defend his weakened Province from the bands of thieves and assassins that constantly tried to overthrow his government. On occasion, ZenTar had tried to take him to a few pleasure houses. And it wasn't as if the women working there weren't pleasing to the eye, their touch warm, soothing even. Sure, he knew that they were just playing their part, pretending to care for him and love him. But, on the other hand, they had allowed him to imagine how wonderful it would feel, what it would be like, to have someone actually feel that way towards him.

He had never had the chance to actually see what being in love really looked like. Despite her widely known reputation of being a shameless, easy woman, his mother had always lived alone, and he had never seen her even talk to another man beside ZenTar.

ZenTar, on the other hand, had always kept his heart closed to that sort of thing. Sure, he would occasionally enjoy the company of a working girl, but he was always quick to pull back whenever a decent woman showed some measure of interest in him.

And so, practically raised without a home, sleeping more often in war camps than with a roof over his head, those women from the pleasure houses had been the only source of information on such things that ZaiWin could have access to. And yet, the moment their interaction became more intimate, he couldn't stop himself from recoiling from their touch. Intimacy meant lowering his guard, meant allowing someone else to touch him as they pleased, meant willingly hand over a part of him, no matter how small it was. And he … he was someone who couldn't even get fully undressed in front of other people, never mention sleep by someone else's side. Was he supposed to simply lower his pants and take some woman he knew nothing about, only to leave once he was done? Even though he knew that that was exactly what most men did, somehow he simply hadn't been able to do that. The whole business had always felt coarse and repulsive inside his mind.

On the other hand, things only got worse when he was approached by women he actually knew. What was he supposed to do about them? Although he had nourished such dreams when he was younger, dreams of having a family of his own, as he got older he could clearly see that he could never commit himself to another person, much less marry them. And it wasn't only because his future wife would be the first thing his many enemies would target, the moment they learned about her. He himself was wrong. His body was wrong. And he would probably end up killing his partner, at the very least drive them crazy, if he were to repeatedly share his body with them. Even though he'd tried very hard to attain absolute control over his daitai, he wasn't one to idiotically try and fool himself. He knew his limitations and weaknesses better than anyone. And there was no way he'd be able to completely suppress the natural exchange of energy that normally occurred during a sexual encounter.

And so, yes. With all that added up, Nox ZaiWin had never felt sexual desire for anyone in his life. He had felt disgusted, he had felt depressed, above all he had been afraid. But the only times his body had actually been aroused and hard, was when he'd woken in the morning already like that, probably fruit of some erotic dream he couldn't even remember.

But now … Now his desire was so fierce that he could barely contain it, his heart drumming against his chest, a burning fire the likes he thought he'd never feel again running through his veins. And yet the object of his untamed desire wasn't someone he could simply take. He was a Tien'Elhar that must never be defiled, that must always be kept pure and untouched. He was also an innocent, naive brat, who didn't know the first thing about the real world. If ZaiWin had been raised without knowing what romantic love looked like, Snow had been raised without any love at all. They had locked him away, kept him isolated from anyone who could show him what was right or wrong, and they had abused him. They had completely distorted his values and morals, to the point where he had started to believe that being treated like that was natural and to be expected. If ZaiWin had shied away from any intimate contact, in Snow's mind all those things were void of their true meaning. Kissing, touching, taking his clothes off. The Snow he had met in that Fortress had done all that without a second thought, without shame or disgust, simply conforming with what he knew was inevitable. Simply obeying, even if to do so he had to kill his true self.

The Snow that was now adorably blushing and trembling in his arms, the Snow that now could feel embarrassed and moan softly in pleasure, had really come a very long way. He had slowly but surely restored his own self. And he was breathtakingly beautiful and precious. But he was also childishly confused. Because he had only lived a more or less normal life until the age of six, the only thing he had been able to salvage from himself was exactly the mental and emotional life of the child he had been. Sure, he was a smart, intelligent kid, and he had quickly adapted those things according to the new world around him, according to his now, much more mature mind. But one thing was knowledge. Another, completely different, were one's emotions. Emotions needed time to develop and mature. And, being suddenly released from his captivity and thrown into the real world, Snow had suddenly been overrun by them. He was just very good at hiding it, ZaiWin thought, gently nuzzling his neck. But ZaiWin could clearly see it. And it made him restless and impatient. It also filled his mind with doubts, making him feel dangerously insecure.

Was the fast beat of his heart a result of what he felt for him? Or was it mere lust? The response of a young, inexperienced body to his relentless advances? Would he feel the same and act the same towards anyone who approached him this way? Sure, he could easily take him right now, in that precise moment, if he wanted to. And he wouldn't have to force him either. Kissing and touching were more than enough to completely overwhelm him. But, like Snow himself had told him, he was just too selfish, too self-centered. He would never be contented with just that. Having Snow wriggling and panting in pleasure beneath him was far from being enough.

He wanted more. So much more. He wanted it more than anything. He wanted him completely. Body, mind, heart. He wanted to own Snow's entire being. He wanted to be sure that Snow wouldn't be able to live without him, and not because of some stupid link. But because his heart wouldn't have it any other way. And yet, as he laid there, surrounded by Snow's sweet scent, all he had were cursing doubts and questions. Questions he knew that the boy holding on to him as if his life depended on it wouldn't know how to answer, even if he were to ask him.

And then there was that word. Boy. Male. His stupid heart apparently couldn't care less about such things. Child or adult. Male or female. Tien'Elhar or whatever. His heart couldn't see any of that. It was only able to want more, always more, want even that child's soul. But his mind … his mind knew better than that. Knew what ZenTar and VinWei didn't dare tell him. Knew what Snow, in his naive vision of the world, couldn't even begin to understand. If others would see him as a sinner because he dared lay his hands on a Tien'Elhar, they would frown in horror and disgust if they knew that said Tien'Elhar was a male. For once, the scales might even be reversed, he considered. And they might even see ZaiWin as the victim, a brave Calzai seduced by a child-demon, a cursed existence, a punishment from the Heavens. And he would never be able to forgive himself if something were to happen to him because of that. If Snow got hurt because of that. He really wanted to do as Snow had asked, and be able to protect his heart.

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Hmm ... Wondering what Snow would say if our silly ZaiWin had told him all that out loud. Sure, he would be innitially stunned and probably startled. But I'm sure he would eventually manage to give him an answer ... 🤔