RTYY 260 - Too Late To Regret

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It had been five days! Five days since he'd last see him!, FeiWan recalled, marching in fast wide steps, doing his best not to run all the way to the White Pavilion.

Five days since he'd stormed out of that hellish place promising himself that he would never set foot in those depressing, white halls again.

Five days since he had lost his temper and had rudely told the noble, polite CalDai to basically go screw himself! Since he'd practically ordered him to stop bothering him and disappear from his sight!

Sure, since then he had often wondered if he should at least try to apologize for his rude behavior. After all, CalRimRan was a honorable guest of the El'Dur, not to mention that he was the equivalent of an El'Gin amongst his mysterious people. He had wondered if an apology would be enough to patch things up between them. To allow him to resume his daily visits. But pride had always got in the way. After all, it wasn't as if the whole thing had been exclusively his fault! CalRinRan had obviously been trying to manipulate him into agreeing with his absurd invitation! And yet … well, FeiWan had obviously lost his temper, and had probably said more than he should.

During the following couple of days, he had even dreaded what his mother would say, once she learned about their public altercation. But, apparently, somehow, CalRimRan had been able to put a lid on the usual rumors, stopping them from spreading beyond the White Pavilion's walls. Which was, in itself, an admirable achievement , taking into account how loud he'd been, and how much the Palace's servents enjoyed a good gosip.

And now … now he was gone! Gone without even a word of farewell! As if the time they'd spent together hadn't meant anything to him! As if he'd really been sitting there just to fulfill his obligation as an Imperial guest, silently putting up with FeiWan's insistent demands that they'd meet on a daily basis. He just couldn't believe it! He had to see it with his own eyes!, even if that meant having to climb those steps and cross that accursed dorway again.

Crossing the front gateway that someone had carelessly left open, FeiWan stepped into the White Pavilion's grounds, his head turning from left to right, urgently looking for any signs of life. Any sign that the poor man he had left kneeling in his office had been wrong. But there was no one. The gardens were completely empty, the gazebo where they normally met deserted. Not that CalRimRan's people were the kind to spend their time strolling around the Palace grounds, FeiWan told himself, avidly searching for an excuse that would explain the deafening silence that filled his ears.

Gritting his teeth, he quickly made his way to the main entrance and climbed the white stairs two at a time. If he were to act accordingly to his position and education he should at least announce his presence, before barging into someone else's residence. But, by now, his heart was beating so loud against his chest, that such protocols didn't even cross his mind.

Pushing the double doors open, he urgently swept the main hall with a wide gaze.

Nothing. No one. Not even a servant girl to come and see who had so rudely invaded the place.

Stepping inside, FeiWan took another look around. Nothing had changed. Nothing had changed the last time he had been there either. Everything was exactly like he remembered, from when he was a child. Which, on the other hand, made it look as if CalRimRan and his people had never even set foot in that place to begin with. They had come and left without leaving a single trace of their presence, FeiWan thought, noticing how even the chairs were carefully aligned, placed around the table. It was almost as if … he had dreamed the whole thing, he thought, his initial anger slowly giving way to a wierd, inexplicable disappointment.

He could still see him, standing there. His white long hair falling down his back over his equally pristine white clothes. Those pale, gray eyes staring silently at him. His unearthly beautiful face showing nothing, while he silently listened to FeiWan voice out his anger and frustration. And now he was gone. And FeiWan would probably never see him again.

He suddenly wondered why CalRimRan had done that. Go through all that trouble just to try and convince him to leave with him. Surely someone as well educated and intelligent as him was more than aware of FeiWan's position, and that he wouldn't be able to simply pack his stuff and happily leave the Palace. He had royal obligations to uphold. But, more importantly, he had to stand his ground and defend his position from those who constantly ploted to undermine his status as one of the most likely to succeed the throne, So, what had he been thinking? From what he knew of CalRimRan there was no way he wasn't aware of such things. Above all, what really riled him up was that the stubborn man had refused to give him a plausible explanation! And yet, now that he could think past his initial anger and outrage, he couldn't help feeling that there must have been a very good reason behind his uncharacteristic insistence.

Since the time he met him, ten years ago, CalRimRan had always been like that. Always silent, speaking only when really needed. It had frustrated him and bored him out of his mind, when, as a teenager, he'd been placed under his guidance during his visit to the Demon Clan's village. The honorable CalDai never acted impulsively. He was the proud product of a severe education, full of rules and moral directives that gave FeiWan a headache just to thinking about them. And yet he had made a point to show him those horrible memories, things FeiWan had done his best to completely erase from his mind. Surely he must have had a reason to go so far, to try so hard to convince him to leave with him. And, for a moment, FeiWan really wished he could do just that. Leave that place, leave all those conflicts and intrigues behind, and simply accompany him back to his boring home on the Ice Mountains, where nothing never happened. Only the Gods knew how CalRimRan's silent company, though awkward at first, had become a soothing melody to his ears. At least while sitting next to him he could, for once, feel relaxed and at peace for a few minutes. He didn't have to think about what to say next. He didn't have to wonder about the true meaning of what others were saying, either. He didn't have to force his mind to think five or six steps ahead, carefully planing his next move, weighing the consequences of his every decision.

Suddenly FeiWan felt really tired, he sighed. He had probably been tired for a long time now, he suddenly realized. But he had been so engrossed in his own problems, so used to living like that, constantly fighting for his every step forward, that only when he had been finally forced to stop, even if just for a few moments, had he been able to realize just how tired he'd been.

Placing a hand on the cold tabletop, FeiWan lowered his gaze, his chest feeling strangely constricted. He hated that place. He hated that table and those chairs. He hated those walls. He hated those white steps even more. But the worst part of it all was that CalRimRan wasn't there anymore.

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Poor FeiWan. Even though he's all grown up and is all pround of himself but, in many ways, he's still like the child he was when NimTar was still alive. 😌