The One She Calls Mother

Warning: parental abuse of child. (Also unedited amateur writing.)

In the end, she finds out by accident.

Perhaps it wouldn't have blindsided her as much if someone had taken the time to sit her down and tell her slowly. But no, she finds out in the middle of a coffee shop on a Saturday evening, from one of her Aunt Yusheng's gossip spiels.

"--and can you believe that bitch had the nerve--"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Zhang Lian interrupted, her voice hoarse and flimsy, suddenly feeling like she's been hit on the head by a bat.

Her aunt paused her ranting and looked at her in bewilderment. "What? Why do you look so pale?"

Lian clenched her fists under the table, her heartbeat suddenly picking up the pace and growing louder by the second. "You--Auntie, you said something about my biological mother?"

For a moment, Ning Yusheng looks like she doesn't know what she's talking about, then shock and nervousness flitted through her face in succession.

"Oh dear, my sister did say I shouldn't tell you about her. This mouth of mine, seriously..."

Lian felt like her heartbeat is pounding in her ears. She's dizzy. Mom knew my biological mother? And she told aunty not to tell me?

After years and years of her trying to find anything about her biological parents, years of feeling guilty towards her mom and dad about trying to uncover her past because it felt like a blank space in her life...all along, they knew?

This has to be a joke.

"Auntie..." Lian smiled at her mom's younger sister, the same smile she's perfected for the camera over the years that makes her seem perfectly happy regardless of any turmoil in her heart. It's painful.

She grasped one of her aunt's hands gently, and the woman visibly settles and looks much less nervous. "Does mom think I'll love her any less if I knew about the person who gave birth to me? Doesn't that sound crazy? She's my mom, the most important person to me, that would never change."

Aunt Yusheng looked a little guilty and contrite as she patted her niece's hand. "I don't really know why my sister doesn't want to tell you about your mom. But you know how she is, she's so protective of you. She might not have wanted you to know that your biological mother died when you were a baby."

Lian felt her heart stop for a moment before it continued beating, ringing more loudly in her ears after that brief moment of silence. Her grasp on her aunt's hand became a little bit tighter, her smile a little more brittle.

"Sh-she's dead?" Lian swallowed through the lump beginning to grow in her throat. It tasted like despair and hopelessness. "But if it happened years ago, then mom shouldn't be worried about it too much, right? Why wouldn't she tell me after I became an adult? You don't think she believes I wouldn't understand her, right?"

Aunt Yusheng looked at her pityingly and this time takes both of her hands into her own. "Xiao Lian, your mom loves you and only wants the best for you. She probably thought it would hurt you. I know Ying Yue's death still causes her pain, she was one of her best friends after all. Your birth father as well."

Lian stared blankly at the table for a moment, unable to believe what she's hearing.

So her mom knew the identities of her biological parents not because she searched for them secretly or found out by accident, but she knew right from the start? Her beloved mom, who encouraged her to search for her biological parents and often made her feel guilty and ungrateful over it...she knew all along and kept it from her for 12 years?

Did dad know? Did her younger sister know?

Did everyone know but her?

This has to be a joke.

"Aunty, I'm an adult now, I think I can handle it," Lian said, voice still as gentle as ever, smiling as though her heart isn't pounding right out of her chest. "Can you tell me their names at least? I won't tell mom you told me, I'll just pretend I found out by accident."

Ning Yusheng looked conflicted and hesitant for a moment, but Lian just continued smiling patiently, grasping her hand like a lifeline. She knew this aunt of hers who lived in a small town whose residents all knew each other. Lian rarely saw her as she only visited every once in a while, but she knew Ning Yusheng wasn't an inherently malicious person or someone who could lie very easily. She just couldn't resist gossiping. And if there was one thing she loved more than finding other people's secrets, it was telling these secrets to other people.

"Oh alright! But don't tell your mom or she's going to yell at me again," her aunt acquiesced. "Your mother's name was Mu Yingyue, and she was an actress. She and your mom signed to the same company at the same time, and that's how they became friends."

"And my--my dad?"

"Oh, your biological father was Zhang Wei -- not a relative of your adoptive dad, they just have the same surname. He grew up in the same town as your mom and I and was a doctor. Your mom was the one who introduced your biological parents to each other," Ning Yusheng said, forgetting her trepidation for the excitement of gossiping with her niece.

Lian acted like she was just as excited as her aunt.

"Really? But how did they have me? Wasn't my mother an actress?"

"Oh, I don't know the details since I wasn't close to your biological mother unlike my sister, but I guess she and your father continued meeting each other in secret until one day, Ying Yue announced her retirement and came to our town to live with Ah Wei. They had a small wedding, but I think she was already pregnant with you then."

Her mother retired at an early age because she got pregnant?

"But...what happened to them?"

Ning Yusheng's face then grew somber, and she caressed her niece's hand consolingly. "I'm sorry dear, but your father died in a landslide before you were born. He had been in a neighboring town to check on a patient when the landslide happened. I heard he died saving children from getting caught up in it."

The lump in Lian's throat was almost too much, and tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. Her mom should have told her about him, her biological father, who was a hero she would have looked up to and would have been proud to know.

Why? Why? Why?

"And--and my mom?"

This time, Yusheng sighed. "Oh, your mom. I remember when she first came to our town, everyone was mesmerized by her. I thought my sister was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, but your mom looked like a princess from a fairytale. And she was so charming and charismatic too. No wonder your father fell in love at first sight," she said.

"She became very popular after starring in her first movie. She was so young then, she and my sister were only 17. You know my sister's acting career never really went anywhere, so she later focused on becoming a manager, but your mother probably would have become a legendary actress if she were still alive today. Unfortunately, she died just a year after your father did. I heard it was cancer."

Lian closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

She knew when she started searching for her biological parents that there was a big chance they were dead. In a way, it was better than hearing they had just abandoned her in an orphanage because they didn't want her.

But what she found harder to swallow was her mom keeping all this from her. Perhaps, Aunt Yusheng was right and it was a painful thing for her mom to talk about. But didn't she deserve to know at least? She couldn't have asked someone else to tell her or gave her a letter or anything?

Why? Why? Why?

Lian then suddenly stood up, unmindful of the tears threatening to fall. She barely heard herself apologize and tell her aunt she needed to go before walking out of the cafe as fast as she could. She was in too much of a hurry to apologize to the person she bumped into, much less notice her aunt looking at her worriedly and taking out her phone to call someone.

If she hadn't been wearing a hat, glasses and an oversized hoodie, she likely wouldn't have been able to leave the place, and she wasn't in any state to talk to fans.

She was also in no state to drive so she took a cab and directed the driver to her address, her mind still whirling and her heart in disarray.

She consoled herself by saying mom would have a good reason for not telling her, she wouldn't be that cruel to her. Yes, there was more to this than meets the eye.

But no matter what her reason was, could she really forgive her mom from keeping this from her for 12 years?

When the taxi stopped outside their gates, she gave the driver all the money in her wallet without bothering to count and rushed out. She pounded on the gates before the guard opened it for her, not bothering with her usual greetings before she ran to the house to find her mom.

She knew she just promised her aunt she wouldn't say anything and she was aware that she maybe wasn't in the right frame of mind for this confrontation, but she had to know. After more than a decade, she had to know.

Lian finds her in the kitchen making tea.

Any other day she would have found it unusual as her mom usually left any kind of housework to the helpers, but she was too caught up in the feeling of betrayal that was starting to overwhelm her.

"Mom!" she yelled, trying to catch her breath.

Her mom, Ning Xiuying, looked just as composed and put together as ever despite wearing an apron over her designer dress. She didn't seem surprised by Lian's appearance or her yelling, ignoring her in favor of pouring the tea.

"Welcome back, dear. You're home early. I thought you and your aunt were going shopping."

Lian composed herself as she approached her mom, knowing she hates it when she acts unladylike. "Mom, why didn't you tell me?" she said, her voice trembling. "Why didn't you tell me you knew my biological parents?"

Her mom still hasn't turned around to face her, just calmly saying, "They died before you could even walk. Would it have changed anything?"

For the first time, she couldn't stop herself from yelling at her mom. "Of course it would! Why didn't you tell me my biological mother was a famous actress? And my dad died saving someone? I could have known them, looked up to them, instead of worrying every night I was an abandoned child with drug addicts for parents who would turn up anytime and take me away from you! You had no right keeping this from me, you were their friend!"

Lian panted, immediately regretting her last words as soon she said them. She was about to apologize when her mom, to her shock, laughed.

She was chuckling softly as if greatly amused by what she heard but at the same time not.

And for some reason, it made fear shot right through her.

Eventually, her mom calmed down and brought the tray of teacups to the kitchen island next to Lian, who suddenly had no idea what to say.

"Mom, I--I'm sorry--"

Ning Xiuying arranged an exquisite teacup and saucer in front of her and herself before sitting down on the high stool without a ripple in her expression. "Sit down and drink your tea."

Years of conditioning and disciplining had Lian sitting down immediately and taking a small sip, She was still feeling dread and nervousness over her mom's bizarre reaction.

"Mom, I--"

"Lian," she interrupted me calmly, her eyes trained on the teacup in her hand. "Do you know when I started training in dancing and acting?"

Lian looked at her in confusion for a moment, before shaking her head.

"I was five. I told my parents I was going to be a famous star, and he, a mere carpenter and housewife, did everything he could to get me into all the lessons I needed. Dancing, acting, piano, speech...I thoughtlessly put my parents in debt for my dream. I only thought about leaving our tiny backwater town and was disgusted at the thought of being like my mother, who married straight after graduating high school and never did anything with her life."

"Mom, why are you--" Lian started, but her mom continued on as if she hadn't heard anything.

"Unlike her, I left town right after high school and signed to the biggest company that would welcome. I didn't care about the unfair deal or the minuscule amount of money I would get, I was going to be a star. Then...I met your mother."

Ning Xiuying looked far away for a moment, looking almost wistful. "She and I were the only two who got signed during those auditions, and from the first time I saw her, I could tell why she made it. She was radiant, and unlike myself, smiling and charming people came naturally to her," she continued. "She grabbed attention wherever she went and didn't care what other people thought. Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised me that a role I was aiming for was given to her instead. That was my first mistake."

She paused only to take a sip of tea while Lian looked at her, not able to bring herself to tell her mom to stop.

"The movie became a blockbuster, and then the next one and the next one, and all of a sudden, I was forgotten. Even my parents, who broke their backs trying to help me achieve my dream, can't help but talk about my beautiful friend. My friend who thought nothing of me getting sidelined by our company in favor of her.

"Then after years of pestering me, I finally allowed your mother, who had no family of her own, to visit my hometown with me. And there she met your father, a boy I was seeing that time. That was my second mistake."

Many questions continued swirling in Lian's head. Did she mean my biological mother stole her boyfriend? Or my dad cheated on her with my mom?

Why did all this sound like some dog-blood plot drama?

"Did my mother--"

"Oh, it wasn't her fault. It was obvious Ah Wei fell for her at first sight, and from the moment they started talking, they just clicked. Like the staff at the company, suddenly I had become invisible in my own hometown, among my own friends and loved ones," Ning Xuiying calmly continued as she stirred her tea. "Their wedding a year had been beautiful. I stood by Ying Yue's side, who had no other family members, and watched her marry the man I loved. They were radiant together."

Her mother then smiled, just a small, amused quirk of her lips.

"And then, two of my closest friends died. My best friend and the man I loved, one after another. Leaving behind a beautiful baby girl who had all their best qualities."

Shivers crawled up Lian's spine at the nonchalant tone her mother used while talking about her parents' deaths as if she were talking about the weather or the dinner menu.

For the first time, her mom looked at her. Her entire face was gentle as she always looked, but somehow it made Lian's stomach fill with dread.

"Fortunately, I got to you before Ying Yue's wretched manager did. That spineless dog would have protected you and made you soft and complacent, instead of beating you down over and over again until you were strong enough to withstand anything," she said almost proudly, looking like she completely believed she had done Lian a favor.

"Perhaps it was karma. She took the spotlight, Zhang Wei and everyone's affections, so I took her legacy. Her most prized possession, the one thing she would have given up anything for." Ning Xiuying reached out and patted gently the hand Lian has been using to grip her teacup. "As a consolation prize, I could mold the radiant and pure Ying Yue's legacy into my own ideal: a perfect, lovely little doll who would live for nothing but me, Ning Xiuying, the forgotten invisible wallflower."

Lian couldn't breathe.

She clutched at her chest, looking at her own mother in horror. "Mom, how--why--please--"

Ning Xiuying smiled at her in a pitying manner and gently patted her cheek. "Oh dearest, it's really too bad. I believed we could have had at least another decade together, but who knew my own flesh and blood would spoil the future I had envisioned for us. It seems that was my final mistake, forgetting to plug this one hole that would ultimately sink this boat," she whispered consolingly.

"You were such a good daughter, even better than the one that actually came from my womb. I guess it's true that the tool you molded yourself and continued to use for many years is still the most reliable than the high-quality one you barely touched."

Her mother's gentle but emotionless smile was the last thing she saw before her vision darkened and her throat stopped letting air in.

It was almost a relief when oblivion came and embraced her, taking her away from the demon she called mother.