Drowning

Warning: panic attack. (and unedited chapter)

Was this what it felt like to drown?

Lian clutched at her chest and throat, taking large, heaving breaths but feeling like air couldn't enter her lungs. Tears squeezed out of her eyes as she thrashed around and clawed at her surroundings in panic.

She couldn't think of anything but the painful constricting of her throat, the tight squeezing in her chest like her lungs were collapsing in on her and her mother's last words that had her entire world crumbling down.

Help me, save me, make it stop--

"-jie! Jie jie! Why cwying?"

The childish cry finally pierced through her panic and registered in her mind, along with the tiny hands patting her face clumsily. Her lungs were still burning and her throat felt like it had been cut from the inside, but she forced herself to open her eyes.

She blinked at the dirty gray wall in front of her and the small lamp that provided what little illumination the room had.

Her first thought was...it's nighttime. And...this is not her room.

The sight was jarring enough to snap her out of her panic attack and get it through her head that she can breathe just fine. Or as best as she could with something heavy lying on her chest.

She looked down at her body and nearly hyperventilated once more when she was met by two familiar big eyes that were currently wide with worry and teary.

She instinctively hugged the toddler when she saw his tears, rubbing his back gently.

"Dongdong," she whispered in awe and disbelief, her voice hoarse.

It has been over 12 years since she'd last seen her little Dongdong, but she had never forgotten his tiny little face, big eyes, and adorable too-large ears.

Her tears fall anew, and her chest felt stuffy again.

For how long had she been looking for him, longing to see him again? She had never seen him, even in her dreams, after she left the orphanage, but now here he was, as small as he was when he was about 4 years old.

Because he'd been a sickly child, he'd always been kept away from the other babies. And since the orphanage did not have enough rooms to spare for the children, much less be able to provide a baby his own room, Dongdong had lived with her in her tiny room and she became responsible for him.

Even though as a child she found it hard to get along with the other children and was often jealous of the babies who would have a better chance of getting adopted than an older girl like her, she couldn't help but love Dongdong after having practically raised him. She'd changed his diapers, fed him, nursed him when he was sick, taught him to read and witnessed all his milestones.

When her mom came to the orphanage and adopted her, she had done everything to convince her take him too. But she had been the only one who left that day.

The last time she'd seen Dongdong, he was crying hysterically and being held back by one of the caretakers to stop him from running after their car.

She'd vowed that day to visit as many times as she could and to take him away when she finally came of age, but she'd never been allowed to come back again. And when she secretly came back when she turned 17, she found out that Dongdong had run away from the orphanage just over a year after she had left and he had never been found since then.

Dongdong, who got sick so easily and was allergic to many things, how could he have survived in the streets?

Even more than not being able to find her birth parents, her greatest regret had been failing Dongdong, who only had her in this world and viewed her more like a mother than an older sister.

She should have tried harder to take him with her.

She should have come earlier.

"Dongdong...older sister is sorry. I'm so sorry for not coming sooner," she sobbed, gently cupping the child's chubby cheek.

He felt so warm, almost like he was real.

"Jie?" Dongdong looked at her in worry and confusion. "Why cwying? Hurts?"

Lian shook her head and rubbed the little boy's head. "No, no, I'm happy. I'm so happy to see you again, baby," she said, smiling through her tears. "I love you so very much, Dongdong."

He smiled widely, always so happy when he was being doted on. "Love sister!" he crowed, hugging her neck.

She hugged his wriggly little body tightly as well, feeling bittersweet happiness and calm wash over her. When he started to drop and feel a little heavier, she laid him gently next to her on the bed and pulled the two thin blankets over the two of them.

Even though Dongdong had his own tiny bed in the other corner of the room, she let him sleep next to her at night because it got very cold in their area and they only had thin blankets. She could see he was already wearing double layers, a loose long sleeve shirt and pajama bottoms over his t-shirt and shorts, as well as socks. All of them hand-me-downs and some so thin they barely provided any warmth or protection.

"Piggy," he said sleepily. Lian immediately knew what he was talking about.

She searched for his stuffed pig toy and found it on the floor. She dusted it off before putting it next to Dongdong, who immediately hugged it without opening his eyes.

Lian smiled at the adorable image he made, suddenly so thankful and happy she could see this moment once again in her dreams.

She didn't want to sleep, she just wanted to look at Dongdong for as long as she can. So she patted his little tummy as she sang his favorite lullaby softly.

+♥+

Lian comes to due to the soft wriggling body nudging her side. She automatically pats the little bun's body and makes "shh"-ing noises to settle him down and make him go back to sleep.

"Jie, Dongdong pee," a tender voice whispers into her ear shyly.

She sighs, then sleepily helps the little bun off the bed and out the door. She ushers him to the communal bathroom, her body instinctively knowing where to go, despite her barely opening her eyes, due to years of experience.

She grabs the little stool and pulls up the toilet seat before Dongdong insists on climbing up and peeing by himself.

"Jiejie, done," the milky voice says, prompting Lian to grab the plastic pitcher hanging next to the toilet, fill it with water from the faucet and slowly pour it onto the toilet to flush it.

She returns everything to where it had been previously before moving the stool in front of the sink so Dongdong can wash his hands.

Lian happens to glance at the big, stained mirror in front of the sink, and the reflection confuses her for a moment before draining her of all her sleepiness.

The girl in the mirror is not the reflection she's grown accustomed to seeing after she'd been adopted. Just this morning, she'd spent half an hour in front of the mirror putting on light makeup, brushing her hair and picking clothes for her day off. Her skin had been white as jade, smooth and flawless; her hair long, silky and reaching the middle of her back; and her body slim but curvy in all the right places due to meticulous skincare, diet, and exercise.

The girl in the mirror has familiar pretty features but looks too malnourished and desolate to be really called pretty. Her lips were chapped, skin graying and her cheeks were sunken in a way that wouldn't even be called model chic, making her large eyes that would normally look beautiful appear too large and eerie. Her hair cut short like a boy's...because she couldn't afford to maintain long hair in the orphanage. Her ratty old t-shirt that may have been white once but was now an ugly puce color was too big for her, while her black sweatpants were only being held up her skinny frame with a piece of string.

This was her before she'd been adopted.

Which means...she was about 11 or 12 years old.

She reached up to touch her face, then her hair and her skinny arms, before pinching herself on the forearm. It was painful. Almost too painful on her sensitive skin.

This was real. She's not dreaming.

She might be hallucinating, but it definitely felt real to her.

But if this was real, then that means...

"Oh my god!" she croaked hoarsely, looking at the tiny little boy in front of her who was doing his best to turn off the faucet despite not actually being able to reach yet. She didn't really think about the implications of her situation, in fact, she really couldn't think about anything else except the fact that her little Dongdong was here. Alive.

"Oh my god, Dongdong!" she cried softly as she dropped to her knees, grabbed the little bun and hugged his soft little body tightly. "How--why--oh my god--"

Tiny, skinny arms flailed in surprise as Dongdong scolded her, "Jie! Waste water bad!"

Lian chuckled despite her tears. Almost every day, they're reminded by the caretakers to never waste anything, especially food and water. Dongdong at this age still repeated everything he heard, so he would immediately remind her of the rules if she forgot.

She reached up to turn the faucet off, prompting Dongdong to smile and nod in approval. "Good!"

She smiled back widely. She couldn't stop smiling if she tried--it was to the point that her cheeks were almost hurting.

She has no idea what's going on--why she looks so much younger than she did this morning or why she's suddenly here in the orphanage again instead of their house when she'd just been talking to her mother.

But regardless of it all, she's so grateful. She's never been so grateful.

For years, she'd been kept awake at night thinking of Dongdong's heartbroken little face crying for her, asking her to take him with her. And part of her died and never really recovered after finding out that he'd disappeared, just a tiny 6-year-old out in the world by himself trying to look for his older sister, the only mother he has ever known. Her nightmares then turned from him crying to her seeing this small boy curled up in an alley somewhere, frozen to death. Or him getting kidnapped and abused by thugs or traffickers that took children off the street to sell.

Despite Dongdong poking her side and asking her to take him back to their room, she couldn't stop hugging him tightly, almost as if she doesn't hold on, he would disappear again and whispering "thank you" over and over again.