Jennifer

January 17, 2020

Stop. I can't take it anymore. I wanna end this shit once and for all.

As you've always read, Jennifer is one of the people that I always mention. It's just so... Fuck! How can I tell this story in front of you without any hard feelings on her. Ok, story time.

Jennifer is my batch mate in whom I met through teaching Physics. She became interested at learning, and wanted to follow me all day long. At first, I hated her because she was so annoying as fuck. She would always bug me to do shits that I don't want to. As time goes by, I became fond of her because she's the only woman that's been there for me consistently.

I decided to give it a try and confess my feelings for her. At that moment, she backed out. She decided that she haven't move on with her past ex, which didn't even became her boyfriend. What my problem on her is that she always tells her stories to me as if I became her diary. I'm a nice guy, but sis, I'll be far worse than the Devil if my "Nice Bar" is abused.

When she said that she still hasn't moved on with her ex, let's say M.U., I already accepted my fate. I lately realized that it was all infatuation coz I've been with her for over a month, teaching her some fucking physics that in the end, she still didn't understand it.

I moved on, joined RSPC, and became busy with a lot of things. She lately realizes this, but she always bugs me, ignoring the fact that I joined RSPC. She's so annoying to the point that I lost sleep and maybe, my weight. My nice guy attitude was abused to the point that I felt like a door mat. I hate this shit. These didn't happen with my past exes. Why was my power so abused? I felt like I was manipulated. I didn't gain anything, and I even failed at the test that I thought to her. What have I done with all my time? I should've just spent it on my friends, who meant more to me in the end.

I hurt myself so badly. I wanna take care of my mental health. As time goes by, I moved on, forgetting shits from her. As my sadness grows, my anger also grows for her. I still cared for her, but my nice guy was pulled off.

On December, I was shocked. She confessed to me, saying that she really like me and wanted to spend the remaining months with me. Dude... what the fuck?! Please, no. 3 months?! Are you Spotify Premium? Please, I don't wanna be your fucking door mat again.

I declined it, saying that it was all just my infatuation. Sorry, but I think it's the time that I should take care of myself more. I loved her before more than I loved myself, but in the end, she didn't felt my love for her. I always treat her milk teas to the point that I'm lying to my mother, saying that I'm paying my class funds, which is untrue. It is all wasted. I didn't gain anything, nor love. Whenever I treated her stuffs, she only gives me a simple "thank you", and proceeded talking about her exes and the people that compliments her. Am I not enough? Do you mean that I need to copy others in order to satisfy your desires? Is that how you want me to be as an ideal boyfriend? I hate that shit, man. I'm like strangled, doing things that won't even gain me back.

After I declined her, she didn't spoke to me anymore, until she decides to bug me up on the day after I went to Baguio. That was the most toxic mood she ever had. I really hated it. It was like I wasn't welcome to my home town anymore. I wanna go back to Baguio at that time.

Fast forward to this day. She chatted me, asking me why I've always ignored her. I wanna explain my full self, but she always interrupts and contradicts me. My freedom of speech was removed. I wanna be true to her, and straight forward my feelings, but my nice Ego can't do it. So in the end, I accepted her offer to restart as friends like we used to be, but I can't be the old Greg that I used to be. I don't wanna be a diary of her feelings. I don't wanna be a door mat. I want to live a simple life, where soon, I can find the ideal girl for me.

My last message for her is best of luck for her. Sorry for being a stupid nice guy that I didn't even manage to get my true feelings to you coz I have the fear of facing the reality. Still, thank you for being part of my life. I learned a lot. It's okay for me to feel failure, so that I won't repeat this bull shits anymore. I don't wanna fail at my next ideal girl; the girl that won't come out of my infatuation. I don't wanna be frail anymore.

Anyways, thank you for all listening. I am emotionally tired today that I haven't even managed to take bath, because of her again. She keeps on fucking chatting me to the point that I am the one that ended my convos, which is her job, before. I'm hella tired, bro. Life's a bitch. I just wanna sleep and never wake up. Good night, my Gregoritas.