Chapter 9: Existential Crisises All Around

The way back is a little trickier than getting inside the city. But I haven't escaped enraged orderlies throughout the first ten years of my life for nothing.

There is a brief contemplation of walking out the front door, but that's just asking for trouble that I can't afford. So, I leave via balcony and make my way down to the city over the rooftops. I resist the temptation of the chutes by way of reminding myself that I can always play later, once the city is back under Bumi's command. I really am getting tired of acting responsibly. There is just no fun to be had.

But that's not entirely true.

On my way over the walls, hidden between one of the larger factory buildings and a watchtower, I get to see someone who looks rather important escorted into the city. He looks vaguely familiar, but I can't place him until one of his escorts whose voice carries calls him 'Warden'.

He's the crazy prison warden of the Boiling Rock.

I can't decide if today is my lucky day or not.

This just got a lot more complicated. But also, I know he's the kind to deserve a little bullying. And, by all that is wholesome and good in this world, what better way to browbeat a warden than to abduct him? It will be an ode to canon, only without resembling it at all. There certainly won't be any of the dignity it had.

It's kind of pathetic that I'm able to take out half of his escort as easily as I do and the other half is too busy gaping at me in shock to put up much of a fight after that.

The warden though, is not one to go down without a fight. The Kiyoshi girl must be one heck of a fighter to have captured him as quickly as she did. Instead of engaging in a bending duel that, as he surely knows, I would have won, baby or not, he attempts to keep me away from him for as long as it takes for help to arrive. He's good. Very good.

I'm rather proud to say that I'm better.

Not by much, though. And he makes me work for getting him tied up. Spirits, can't he just stop struggling? Man, what is wrong with this man?

It's not like I'm going to kill him.

Probably…

I should definitely review my recent behaviour.

Later, though. (Worrying. Wilfully prioritising taking someone hostage over my own mental state might not be something I want to be doing.)

Almost getting my thumb bitten off does take precedence, though.

As I drag the man, who is heavier than he looks, back to camp, I see signs of fighting all over. Deep turfs where earthbenders must have been bending something fierce, bushes burnt to black charcoal and in some places, blood. I do hope I managed to negotiate in time. (I hope Mai didn't deliberately take her time in sending the orders.)

Even as I look around cautiously, a slide of wall opens to my left. O-Ting waves me in. "Glad you're here. Why've you still got the baby?"

Why indeed. The special snowflake is asleep again. "I'll give him back once you're out of the canyons. But look, I found something almost even better."

"Almost?", he questions even as he helps me pull the blindfolded and still struggling man into the tunnel.

"Another member of the governing family."

I can almost feel the judgement as a tangible prod in the side of my head. "Are we starting a collection?"

It startles a laugh out of me. It shouldn't be all that funny, since it was the resistance that attempted to assassinate the governing family, and O-Ting might have had a direct hand in it. However, I'm not about to point fingers at what could well be albeit murky mirrors. I may be many things, but I try not to be a hypocrite if I can help it.

Not, that I can help it most days.

We tie up the warden with his back to the fireplaces that come into view around the bend of the tunnel. It vaguely reminds me of Plato's Cave Parable the way he can only see our shadows even if he turns his head.

I remove my mask.

The others are gathered around another campfire, this one far smaller than the one from last night. The shadows the light casts make them all look like recovering drug-addicts with hollowed-out cheeks and bleak looks in their eyes.

Especially Aang.

Spirits, he went into the Avatar State earlier and was probably unconscious for most of the fighting just now. Has he talked to Katara about this yet? Bumi?

À propos madman. He's a short distance away debating with the general over something that looks like a miniature three-dimensional model of Omashu and the surrounding canyons. How very neat. O-Ting follows me over.

"-isn't a feasible option! Not after this! The Avatar may have convinced us once, but some of us died here! The Fire Nation will hunt us, force us to scatter if we back off now!", the General whispers heatedly at his King.

King Bumi looks, for all anyone could tell, as though he is in a serene environment, with lots of trees and gently rustling leaves accompanied by the occasional trill of a bird. "Hmm", is all he says in answer to the enraged man's rant. I don't remember him being so dismissive. Of course, he overruled any attempts at fighting the Fire Nation when they invaded; he proceeded to put his own, shall we say spiritual development, above the task of teaching the Avatar earthbending (and here I disregard my own scepticism as to whether Aang should have to be the one to resolve this conflict at all); he took the city back all on his own without any need to coordinate forces.

All in all, he appears to have the mentality of someone with power, who has never not had power, and doesn't seem to understand the dangers that come with dismissing angry individuals.

Not ideal. The fact that Bumi doesn't think he'll be taken elsewhere and everyone will wait for his moment is worrying. I've taken canon as a set of rules once too often and lost two friends for it. I figure I can at least get Bumi to come with his people and use his moment when they come back. Or something.

"'Scuse me, Sire, General", I butt in casually – or not so casually, taking the staring all around into account. "You've free passage out of the canyons for the return of the governor's son. You've also got the prison warden of the Boiling Rock tied to a boulder back there. I suggest you do something with him that involves gathering information. The palace itself appears to be very loosely guarded, they're more concerned with the front entrance and searching for any other entry-points into the city that you might've left behind upon your exit. I imagine they'll start blasting their way into your tunnel-system soon enough. It appears, if you want to have any chance at all at retaking Omashu, it has to be before they destroy your biggest advantage."

I say all this in a low voice that doesn't carry, but some of the ones standing closer with good hearing will be spreading my words like wildfires. Bumi finally looks more like he's mentally present.

"It appears we no longer have time to wait for the perfect moment to strike", he croaks and turns towards the openly staring men all around, "Who knows the ancient tunnels that connect the hot springs to the city?"

Silence. Only the cracking of twigs in the fires and occasional whispers can be heard.

"Those have always been a royal secret, your highness", the general supplies, trying not to let his irritation bleed into his tone.

"Ohahhaha!", Bumi finds this exceptionally funny and adds a few snorts for emphasis. "Well then, we'll have to rely on me to lead the way."

It isn't reassuring that my first thought upon hearing that is to make Sokka draw another map, like he did earlier in the Lover's Cave. I should hope King Bumi wouldn't screw his people over by leading them to dubious temporary safety. But, I can't forget, when it came to a direct confrontation with his friend on the line, Bumi fought.

Looking at him more closely, I can't detect any malice, or stubbornness, but you never know with mad people. Taking that into account, I don't think I'll be of much more help here and head over to Aang for a quick chat.

He looks like someone who has looked into the abyss and is seriously contemplating the consequences of a jump. That makes me reluctantly glad for his misplaced feelings of responsibility towards the world and his gigantic crush on Katara to keep him from seeking out the spirit world in a permanent sense.

The girl in question sits opposite him, her brother's arm around her shoulders. Her face is hidden by her hair. Sokka himself is staring at me like I'm a particularly tricky math problem and even if he felt he could solve it, he's not sure he wants the reward for that. In the end, none of them do. What I have to offer is far worse than ignorance.

I settle down next to Aang, closer than I usually would. His eyes flicker up from the fire, to the huddled figures of the siblings opposite us, to me, then back to the flames. He looks pained and vulnerable. I don't think he feels entitled to any comfort I might offer with some prompting.

And usually, I would need lots of that before I did anything remotely nice for everyone to see. But the siblings across the fire don't know how to include Aang into their embrace, much less talk to him any more than I do, which obviously leaves me to do the job. Although Aang is not a job or even a chore. Never that.

Carefully, I lay an arm across his shoulders and draw him close. He slumps and buries his face in the crook of his arms that he gathers around his drawn-up knees. The baby coos gently and lightly smacks the back of his neck. Comfortingly sticky, I'm sure.

We sit like that for as long as it takes for Aang to finally turn his head and look at me from the corner of his eyes. "She asked me what I was doing for a hundred years", Aang's whisper is muffled by the fabric of his tunic, "Said that no-one needs an Avatar who can't save the people who need him and that's when Katara-"

He squeezes his eyes shut and I squeeze his shoulder in response, "You are far from useless, Aang. But it shouldn't be your responsibility to save anyone in the first place."

He stiffens, "What-"

"Just remember that you're allowed to make mistakes."

"But Katara-"

"Is fine. We all got away."

"I guess."

"You know."

He makes a face, "Fine."

"Aang", I say more softly, "You're not alone."

He looks up and oh Spirits, his face… so heartbroken.

I tuck his face into the crook of my neck and let him cling as I carefully set down the baby. I'll trust Sokka not to let him near the flames.

I wish I hadn't agreed with him to come to Omashu for Bumi now. This was a mess all around, no clean surface left. There is some cleaning up to do, but Aang is far more important at the moment. What he needs is some rest and constant reassurance that he is good, he is not at fault and that some people are just arseholes. He will get none of those things here. Maybe it's time for them to move on.

I meet Sokka's eyes over the campfire and what he sees makes his shoulders drop. They are all so tense, too young for this by far.

There will be protests, of course. But it's time they got a bit of a break and gained a new friend. It will be odd, no longer looking after them. Some time without a relative adult might do them some good, too.

"Where is Appa – and Momo?"

"Somewhere behind those boulders. Aang managed to get him to sleep. He's pretty worn out", Sokka answers and he sounds so tired himself, I'm amazed he didn't take a nap on one of Appa's soft and fluffy appendages.

"That's good. He'll need to be well-rested to take you out of the canyons", I know, a more delicate phrasing could do wonders for their cooperation, but I'm rather tired myself and diplomacy I have had enough of for the month.

"What do you mean? I thought we were going to retake Omashu."

"We are", I nod, and soothe a hand down Aang's stiffening back, "You three, on the other hand, are moving on South to find Aang an earthbending teacher."

"But – what – no!", Aang busts out, leaning backwards to protest more effectively. He looks hurt.

I stop the grimace from appearing on my face. "Bumi won't have the time. And his quest after that third Jin of his still stands."

Before Aang has a chance to address that, Katara speaks, "What about you?", she asks the question softly, like she's afraid of the answer. And she isn't wrong to be. They will be more vulnerable without me as part of their troupe. She will also be more or less the only one caring for provisions for a while. But she grows with responsibility. They all do.

"I will help liberate the city. Retaking Omashu could buy both Ba Sing Se, as well as all other surrounding towns and villages some more time to build up fortifications or get to relative safety of the city walls. I'm needed here just a bit longer."

"But… we need you, too", Aang says and his age is really working against me here. The fondness I've developed for him doesn't help either. I grimace before smiling painfully. "No, not anymore. You know how to handle yourselves now. Staying with you as I am now won't help anyone. And-", I make sure to have my face cast in shadows as I continue, "There is someone I need to find in Ba Sing Se."

"Then we'll go with you", Aang says determinedly.

I shake my head no. "Ba Sing Se is full of Dai Li agents, The city isn't the place for you three yet. Not without learning to earthbend before you get there. I, on my own can make myself invisible. But as a group we'd be watched closely enough to significantly raise the risks", it's all true, but saying it still feels somehow painful.

"Dai Li agents? Just who do you need to find that you need to watch out for them?", Sokka questions, equally suspicious and upset.

"I intend to make contact with former General Iroh of the Fire Nation. He knows his little brother best, and he might give me access to his knowledge."

"But… why do you need to know more about the Firelord?", Katara questions.

Aang's eyes flicker from my face to the ground. "For me, isn't it? It's for me."

There is a look of sudden comprehension on Katara's face, after hearing that. "You said that Aang might not have to be the one to deal with the Firelord, yesterday. You meant… what, how would you stop him?"

"That's something I'd like to hear myself", O-Ting suddenly says from beside me, where he is scrunching up his cloak as a makeshift pillow to sit on.

I take a deep breath as I consider my answer. All of them are sensitive to the topic, and I could lose any of the trust I gained with Katara, Aang and Sokka, while O-Ting could very well decide he didn't like my methods. "There are… ways of dealing with even Firelords", and I am quick enough to continue before the implications of that sink in properly, "But those are…"

"Abhorrent? Disgusting? Corrupted? Evil?", Katara suggests.

"Unlikely to be successful in the fist place. There must have been attempts before. No, what I want to know about Firelord Ozai in order to end the war, is where his worst enemies are hiding. I'll go from there to forging a plan", I explain, pointedly ignoring her struggle to find words for how horrible a person I am.

"It's not bad, as far as plans go", O-Ting offers quietly, giving me perhaps another minute of respite before Sokka begins to argue.

"The reason you are going to go on without me for a while is that this city can be taken back without the exhausted Avatar and company. You all need rest and time to recover."

"But you're injured worse than any of us."

"True, but already I'm fine again."

"We are, too! And you can't just decide for us what we need or what we do!"

"Come on, Katara! Don't pretend like this doesn't feel like a nightmare to you!", I whisper-yell, "Look at you! Drawn, pale, exhausted. You're almost ready to go home, if you weren't so stubborn!", it's more forceful than I intended to be. But the others are looking at her now, how withdrawn she looks, even with fire in her eyes. I take another deep breath, "As for why I can't wait for much longer to find Iroh, the Comet is approaching come the end of summer. That's only so many months for us to do anything at all."

Sharp looks from O-Ting, Katara and Sokka prompt me to explain almost as much as Aang's confused noise. "Sozin's Comet marked the beginning of the war. That was almost exactly one hundred years ago. It returns every hundred years. The comet gives firebenders tremendous power and the Firelord intends to make use of it. How do you all not know this?"

"How do you?"

"I learned about that comet, and the beginning of the war from my parents, and Arnook would talk about it sometimes when he was smashed. This is unbelievable. No one told you about this?", it actually is. I did learn about comets and their travels through space when I was young from my mother, and this particular comet allowed for the annihilation of the airbenders, so when there was an inkling in the back of my mind that it would return, I read up on it, asked the right people questions. Although I don't understand why no one ever told Aang about that Comet before. Has he even gotten a history-crash-course for the time he was asleep?

"No. Why didn't you tell us earlier?"

"I thought you knew. I thought that was why you left the North Pole before your training was complete. Another year under Pakku and training alongside Katara, and you would be one of the most formidable waterbenders around. Now you're barely fit to be called passable. And you're well on your way to getting that fixed, but Spirits, weren't you worried about how everyone is rushing this along? General Fong was getting nervous because it's only a few months more until we can be sure only every single bender against the Fire Nation could have a fighting chance. I need us all to have more than just a fighting chance. Your part is mastering the elements and communicating with the Spiritworld for guidance. Mine is finding out who can stop the Firelord, so it doesn't have to be you. You're a child, Aang. Anyone who can't grow a beard yet shouldn't be expected to save the world."

And in answer to that, I hear the person I least expected to say anything speak from behind me: "Interesting. Just who are you, waterbender Kaito?"

"A friend to the Avatar, a friend to the people and a man with bloodied hands."

Okay, so that was a bit dramatic.

Well, at least, Sokka's laughing, and Aang is trying to hide a smile.

Saying good-bye is hard. Harder than I thought it would be.

As are the hugs Aang gives me. He's surprisingly strong for a young grasshopper. Sokka and I embrace in a very manly way that has him hiding a stray tear in my collar. It will never be mentioned, that I am forced to will my own away. Katara… I give her a genuine smile, raise my brows and open my arms in invitation. She rolls her eyes forcefully, but does give me a hug. A very short one, but it is a hug.

I don't think she would give me one if she knew what I'll be spending my time with for the next few weeks. She doesn't though, and she never will, if I have anything to say about it.

I am hovering between the greyscales of a morally grey area. It is nothing she can understand. Nothing she ever will understand, I should hope. There is precious little about my life that I would wish on her and all that I would, she already has in some form or another.

They are gone just in time for me to finish listening in on strategy discussions between Bumi, the Commander and his Lieutenants. The baby has nodded off in my arms.

Mostly, the plan is to spread out all over the city, lure the Fire Nation into the tunnels, defeat them when possible, collapse the tunnels where it isn't. While that's taking place, fifty or so men will take the palace, give the non-military Fire Nation citizens opportunity to escape and re-seat Bumi on his throne.

Easy-peasy.

I just wonder… how far are all of us here willing to go? These men and women are fighting for their homes. I'm hoping to lend a hand in defeating a totalitarian monarchy with reprobate leaders. And… what else?

To think it comes down to purpose.

I'm disgusted by myself, to have subjected myself to this. To have decided that being governed by the desires of whatever put me here is preferable to allowing plots to play out. Because even that is better than thinking of myself, my existence here, as a mistake. A glitch.

Funny how I understand the need people have to believe in Gods or some such concept that allows for, approves of, our values and ways of thinking better now than I did when I grew up in a semi-Christian household.

Just who are you? Me, who else? But. Who else?

Clearly, I am not restricted by my physical manifestation. My memories have travelled with me. I can recall the time I almost hit a deer perfectly. The day I went hiking in the highlands, ever worried it was going to piss down cats and dogs, finally reaching the peak and standing above the clouds is still a measuring pole for any experience that comes after. Equally, I can remember the day I found out I am a bender in vivid detail.

So, in a sense, my self is separate from my body, a way of interacting with the world around me. It is something that gives me access to experience.

But how much of this world, and how much of my old one overlap? How was I, as an entity with a free will, no clue of my purpose if I have been assigned one, able to travel to another body? Do all of us? If not, what was the criteria?

Purpose.

Well, rather that than an accident. But then, how much of my death was premeditated? Car accidents happen, of course, but it isn't hard to cause one, I imagine, for a being that can pluck a soul, or whatever else I want to call it, spirit, perhaps, from one world and into the next.

That is, if it takes any effort at all. Which it might not. Only because I find it something that shouldn't be too easy, doesn't mean it has to be. Fire in the basement and all that.

The thing is, if it is a Spirit as they are understood here, I might be able to communicate with them, and just ask.

As one does.

Because, convenience.

And, why not?

So, because I'm an idiot and didn't think of this in the almost eighteen years of my time in this world, I will have to either return to the North Pole and try to access the Spirit World somehow through Tui and La (which seems a more likely option than any other spiritual dwelling) or I have to talk to Aang about this and ask if he can mediate (which I will only do once all that saving the world business is done and over with) or I have to find someone who can communicate or can teach me how to communicate, preferably without ingesting any kind of dubious substances.

Don't get me wrong, I like to indulge, but purely for recreational purposes.

Anything worth doing is worth doing sober. Not, that you have to.

Now, such an individual might well be the madman looking at me curiously from across the tiny model of Omashu and the map of underground tunnels that lead to the city bended from the ground.

And, if I want to have him treat me seriously, I figure I should afford him the same courtesy.

So, here goes.

"In how much of a hurry are you?", I ask him and it's as much for finding out how in touch he is with social cues as well as how much he prioritises taking back his city – and not to be pessimistic or anything, but either of us could die soon in which case I would never get to have this conversation at all. Or, in my case, it would become irrelevant, probably. But I really don't want my thoughts to go off in that direction, since I'm not too keen on deliberating how likely it is that I'll land in another cartoon-universe or really, you know, end.

"Some, but not too much", helpful, that. "And then, not at all. There is an order to things. Most of the time, anyway."

"Good to know", I murmur, and wonder what he thinks of me. It occurs to me to ask. Then, if I ask after having asked all my other questions, I might have a sort of accurate before-after picture – courtesy of Bumi.

He chuckles, an off-key sound with hitches in his breath that is by itself rather unappealing and surprisingly similar to the way my first-ever girlfriend laughed. "Yes, I imagine it is."

Okay then. Careful phrasing or I'll be here forever. "What do you know of the Spirit World?"

"Oh, that place", he says it half disgusted, half admiring. "Very strange."

"Good strange or bad strange?", ah, damn it, time-efficiency, think of how much sooner you can get rid of the brat.

"Why, both, of course!"

Of course. A place like the Spirit World wouldn't be one that doesn't have more than one facet. Why would it? Nothing but a facet itself only has one facet. (If even that.)

"Have you been there yourself?", good, clear, efficient this time.

"No! Only the Avatar can go there!", he laughs.

Ah. Well, at least now I have one more account of that theory. "So, who do you know whether it's strange or not?"

"All the Spirits are strange, so", he takes a deep, needlessly suspensive breath, "Why wouldn't their world be?"

Quite logical, that. Also, entirely un-

"Have you interacted with any?"

"Of course!", so many 'of course's. I'm almost surprised he still manages to open his eyes this widely without them hurting. Or maybe he doesn't notice it anymore. It's possible.

"Where, when and how?"

He laughs, probably at my attentive expression. I refuse to wipe it off in the face of that laugh.

"Why, many places, when I was young, younger and just a week ago! They come to me to talk, these Spirits!"

'Just a week ago' is oddly specific in that string of vagueness. Either he wants me to ask after it, or he recalls it best. Part of me wants to ask after the first, or if that instance was the last, but I think I'll get further with why they come to talk to him. "Do they come to enjoy conversation with you?"

He snorts out a handful of those awful laughs, "No! Ahahahah", a few grunts are mixed in for variation, I think.

"Do they not enjoy it? Or do they talk to you without having a conversation with you?"

"Both!"

Right. I see why he frustrates everyone when you're not with him to play.

"So, why do they come if they don't enjoy not having conversations with you?"

"I'm the only one who sees them", he chuckles. So, madman or not.

"Is there any way you could teach me to see them, too?"

At that, he pauses. And eyes me creepily. I think, after getting weird looks from this man, I can take them from anyone. Really, he has a gift.

I am so uncomfortable.

And I am watching myself feel uncomfortable.

Which is slightly odd. But it doesn't go as far as being uncomfortable itself.

With myself suitably distracted, he manages to press our noses together in order to look deeply into my eyes from a very, very small distance. If we both made really strange kissy-faces with our mouths, we would have a very weird lip-barely-touching session. Which is a very strange thought to have. But better than finding out exactly which shade of icy blue his eyes are. (Pale-pale turquoise.)

In the background, I can hear someone whisper: "How is he keeping a straight face?"

And another voice answers: "Waterbenders, man. They can do anything with straight faces."

A pause. "Anything?"

"Anything."

"Like", they're probably gesturing.

"Yes."

"And-"

"Yup."

"You're shitting me."

"No, they can! Try it!"

"Okay, now I know you're full of shit."

"Fine, I'll try it", this is beginning to sound very ominous for me.

"You do that."

"If you lend me your", and here the voice lowers so much that I can't understand them anymore.

With how long Bumi's been pressing his nose to mine, I wish they'd speak up.

[Please review]