i Thought I Would Lose Her Again

I wake up and before I open my eyes, my hand is already groping bedside next me. When all I can feel is emptiness and the cold sheet, I automatically jump out of the bed. I just about to shout Jennifer's name when my sight catch her silhouette, sitting on my couch that is still covered with white sheet.

I unconsciously exhale in relieved. I thought I would Lose her again. Jennifer seems to be in deep thinking. She doesn't even being disturbed by my act. I only approach her silently after I went back to my bedroom and have the white sheet that covered my bed on my hand.

"What are you doing sitting here without any clothe ?" I ask her while covering the sheet on my hand around her. Since this apartment is no longer occupied so the heater is not working. Even though it is a morning in mid August, the weather brings a chill to skin.. "You can catch a cold," I add, rebuke her in gentle tone.

Jennifer turns her head to me, bringing her beautiful smile while tightens the sheet that has covered her. "I'm okay," she says.

I sit next to her. "Why did you wake up so early ?" I ask her again after I kiss her slightly on her forehead.

"Oh.. I was woken up by a sudden contraction." Her answer instantly drops all the color of my face.

"What ?! O my God.. why didn't you wake me up ? Are you okay ? we should go to hosp.."

"I'm okay.. relax," she says to calm me down.

"Are you sure ?"

Jennifer nods. Both of her hands on my shoulders, slightly pull them down to tell me to sit back again. "It's just slight and quick. I guess it is just too excited over.. last night," she says. A vivid blush appears on her cheek. I can't help not to chuckle.

I kept my promise last night.. well, technically. I only withdrawn my buddy out of her after my fifth or sixth orgasm. After each orgasm, my buddy instantly had another hard on while it was still inside her. She is that amazing.

I go inside the sheet that covers Jennifer to kiss her belly lovingly. "I'm sorry, Little One. Daddy is always being too carried away when meeting mommy," I whisper to the belly. I kiss it again. "I'm so happy to meet you, Little One. Don't worry, Daddy will always be around for you from now on," I continue my whisper. When I'm about to kiss the belly again, suddenly Jennifer's hand gets in the way. That makes me quickly cleaver out from the sheet.

"What's wrong ?" I ask in protest. Instead of answering right away, Jennifer cups my cheek with her hand. Her teary eyes shift my anger into worry. "What's wrong, Babe ?" I pursue her, grabbing her hand that cupping my cheek.

She exhales heavily. "We need to have a serious conversation," she says in solemn.

"Okay," I reply.

Another heavy exhale is skipped from her lips. "Last night.. there is a reason why I was reluctant to tell you about my pregnancy.. even less about the father," she says. As her hand is rubbing my cheek, her tears fall to her cheek. I keep silent, only wiping her tears with my thumb.

"I think... I believe... it is the best to not include you in our live," she utters with stammer to hold her cry.

"What ?! What are you talking about ?! I want to be in your live! I want to be the baby's father! I want to.."

"I know... I know you want it, Babe.." she cuts me, "But it is not about what you want. It's not even about what I want anymore! It's about the baby's live! It's about its safety !"

"You know I can protect both of you well!" I argue her. She makes little nods multiple time, but I know she doesn't change her mind. Not yet, at least.

"When did you move ?" she abruptly change the topic. I guess she has no more reason to win this argument.

"Merely a week or two after you moved out," I answer her, brushing her hair with my fingers gently. She furrows her eyebrows.

"Why so sudden ? I thought you loved this place ?" she asks again.

"Well.. I had to. If you remember, Radwansky said he was helped by someone. I think that someone knew about me and where I lived. so, I had to move to avoid .."

"That's exactly one of the reason you should not be in the baby's live!" Jennifer suddenly cuts me. I'm so dumbstruck. I was totally jump into her trap.

"Can you imagine what kind of live our kid would have? Being in the shadow all the time because his father's job ? And what if you would suddenly die ? No.. even worse. get caught ? And even when you would never get caught.. are you going to tell him the truth .. that you are an assassin ? If not, so you will gonna lie for the whole life to him? If you're going to tell him the truth... Geez.. I can't even imagine how his moral would be. He would definitely think that it is okay to murder people.. when they are bad.. I'm sorry, but I don't want out child to grow up and be a monster!"

I lost all my words hearing her argument. Her words make wound in my heart but I don't blame her at all. I am that monster. What worse is.. I have never felt bad about me being that monster, well... not until now when she spilt it out in front of me like that.

"What should I do ?" I murmur, more to my self. She cups my cheeks with both of her hands.

"I don't want to force you to be one that you are not," she says with whispery voice. "You are who you are. Maybe you are born as an assassin. You can do nothing about it, even less me. But... But.. our child doesn't have to live in that kind of life. You know.."

My eyes are definitely red. I can feel a sting in both of them. I try hard not to drop a tear. She, on the other hand, is starting to cry. "I'm sorry, Babe.." she murmurs in between her sobs. I can not reply her a single word. All I can do is embracing her and let her cries over my shoulder.

We let ourselves drown in our own emotions and thoughts like that until the beep-ing sound of alarm breaks it down. It is from her phone.

"I.. I have to go home and prepare to work," she says after withdrawing from her stupor. I reluctantly let my embrace and follow her to go to bedroom with my eyes. After that I just gaze blankly to the empty wall across me.

"I'm leaving," she says, drawing back my attention. I am too dumbstruck to reply her. Only when she is about to open the door my brain can force my body to stand.

"Can... Can I meet you.. I mean.. once in a while ...?" I ask like a child asking something that he knows it is forbidden. She gives me a thin smile before shaking her head.

"Better not.." she says. "Good bye, Bennet," she continues before quickly turns her body, open the door and disappears her self behind that door.