50

The rest of our trip home was simple it went by quickly. Everyday was the same. We woke up at sin rise and ate left overs from what we had hunted the day before and not cooked for dinner, then packed up our tents and road for the entire day. Liz, Corey, and I road ahead everyday and hunted while May and Sam collected fire wood to cook dinner and breakfast. Then we would set up our tents and start a fire as the sun set and cook dinner. Then we would go to bed and wake up and repeat the same as the day before during our ride home. The days dragged on a bit while the night didn't feel long enough. Liz and Corey got a lot better of shooting a bow while riding horse back which was good. It made hunting a lot easier for us as the days went on.

Sam and May didn't seem to be getting any closer to one another and she seemed even more distant than she did at the wedding. She didn't really say anything to anyone which I'm sure she is nervous to go to the new tribe and start over and she's realizing she will have to do it without me and Liz since we are clearly not at the same positions. I'm sure she was also sad about not really getting to see her family at the wedding and they didn't come to her to stay goodbye before she left even though they were aware that she might never see them again. Which had to hurt since she clearly had thought she was much closer to her mother than she apparently was. It was odd though because the person that said goodbye to there daughter when we picked her up didn't seem the same as the person at the wedding. They looked the same and had the same voice and moved the same way but they had to different personalities and emotions going on. I don't know how she could go from sad and seeming worried for her child to someone who could be so cold as to not even say congratulations or goodbye at her wedding. She showed no emotions on her face which was completely different then the women we had meant a few days before. It makes me wonder what happened that made it so she switched up so quickly and she had to know it was going to hurt May and she didn't care how it would effect her. It just wasn't the same energy and vibes I had gotten from her. The protective loving partner went to someone who didn't care at all and was so cold as if she didn't even know who May was anymore. I can't imagine how much it hurt her and what she has to be feeling and how much of it she has been trying to push down and hide from all of us since she knows that's what is expected of her. She hadn't even been alone yet since it happened to be able to cry or show any of how she's feeling just to herself. Losing a parent break your heart and I know how painful it is as I have lost or left all of mine and didn't get to say goodbye properly and it feels horrible. It's the worse pain I've ever felt, nothing has been able to compare because all you can't help but wonder if you did something or could of changed it, even though you can't. Somehow it feels like it's your fault and like you weren't good enough and like you failed in some way and it's a feeling even I haven't been able to shake and I have lived with for years. Wondering if I had done something else or understood what was happening maybe things wouldn't of ended the way they did and maybe I could still see my parents or have some kind of relationship with them. I know it doesn't work that way and that there's nothing that I can do now since it's all in the past, and that if things hadn't happened the way they did that I wouldn't be who I am today and where I am now. It took me a long time to realize that though and I know it'll take time for May to process it all so she will not be feeling herself for a while and the days will just seem to drag on for a while until you find something or someone who can bring some light in and make you forget for a while which makes the days bearable. She just doesn't have that yet and hopefully she will find it sooner than later. I got my new parents and my friends and someone who fell j love with me even though I never realized how he felt and how I felt about him until it was to late. Then I lost all of them in a single moment. From a single choice everything I had created for myself came crashing down in a ball of flames and for a while I felt like the world around me was burning and everything was crumbling around me, but then it changed. Corey and I slowly became closer with each other and be become my light then I found my brother and my family that I didn't know I had. All of a sudden the flames burning everything around me seemed to of been extinguished and left behind a place for new things to be built in place of the old ones. It's something that hopefully May will have soon as well. There is good in everything and everything happens for a reason, which will make her stronger. Just like ti does all of us.

It will be interesting to keep an eye on her and see how she changes and what she finds that will bring light into her life and what she will rebuild around her.