Chapter 2: Awakening

February 14, 2019

Dear Lance,

We are all damned in one way or another. None of us are worthy of redemption because none of us even think we are worthy enough to forgive ourselves much less ask for the forgiveness of another.

We are all wicked and that's why we are born to die. The ones who try to deny it are just a little more wicked that we are. Religion is just a comfort that blinds us so that we cannot see who we really are. Redemption deprived.

Everyone knows this and this is what they fear more than anything. The end of our beginning, the sleep to our awakening. I think it's kinda beautiful how we burn so bright just so we can fade away. But I wanna start a fire. A wildfire because that's the only thing holding me to this place. That and the stars.

I've never really been afraid of death because it's pointless to try to avoid it. I was born to die and so was that boy. This isn't meant to be redemption for you just a wake-up call. You are in a land of death. A home to depravity and path to a noble demise. Tinted in red so you say.

There are many evils in this world but the greatest evils are ourselves. We are selfish and wicked though we would never admit that because we are naive as well. If we weren't naive we would break under the weight of our destruction. Sometimes the lore of naivety shields us from the sight of the seeing so in this world we are all blind.

However, it makes you just a bit less evil that you feel wrong for it. Some would brag about the kill but the fact that you feel shame proves that you haven't lost what makes you different from the other soldiers. Your honor.

Take into account the balance between life and death. The veil really isn't all that thin if you know where to look. Have you ever felt comforted when you lay down in the barracks and think that it's all going to be okay? Do that, then at least mentally it will.

Fight on,

ANARCHY.

April 16, 2019

Dear Anarchy,

Doctors let me have it. I'm gonna die any day now but I'm not scared. I did what I'm supposed to do and I'm proud of it. I saved someone, a child, that's gotta count for something right? I think this is the most important part of my life so I'm gonna tell you as it happened. I also have a few words to get out at the end.

They woke up late in the night while the stars were still out. The light was what came first, the excruciatingly bright light that pierced through the camp. Then came the sound of thunder, unforgiving thunder, raining down upon us like a summoning. After that came the smell of smoke, blood, and fear all coming together in a horrid recipe for disaster. Then was the taste of dread on my tongue when I heard the yelling coming from outside. Last of all, was the feeling I felt when I got up from my sack on the ground. It was the most horrible feeling I had ever felt in my life. The feeling of courage. I didn't know what was out there but I didn't want to know. Maybe it was fate, destiny, all of the above.

It was bad out there. I could hardly see two steps ahead on me and my feet were covered with the bodies of the fallen. I sliced my way through as I walked through the battlegrounds in my green suit. I couldn't afford to think of the people I was killing, I couldn't afford to stop but that wasn't what was scaring me the most. It was the fact that I didn't want to. 

We were getting slaughtered out there, their army was much more advanced than we were. I could hear the cries of pain yet I was too Courageous to turn and look. I just kept up with my slaughtering of heroes until I was one with the monster ruling my mind. It blamed these bastards for my mother's death. If she couldn't live then they shouldn't either, it wasn't fair that people that hadn't had the chance to live, like you and my Ma, have to die while they are healthy.

At one time when there were no more people to slice down with my blade, I looked up at the stars and cried. I said sorry but they continued to glare down at me unforgiving. They mocked me for being courageous but the truth was that I was a coward. A Courageous Coward. I was too scared to face my mistakes yet brave enough to seek out the foolish glory that only a boy could dream of. 

Then I set my eyes on the boy buried under all the carnation. I must have got hurt sometime when I was fighting but I didn't feel it as I marched through the ruble. He laid there without hope as the life faded away slowly. It was unfair that such a young spark didn't get the chance to burn as it should have.

I don't remember running but I do remember the air how it stilled in those moments between life and death. I don't remember getting on my knees to pump his chest for breath yet this is what they tell me. They said I ran like a man possessed blurring before their eyes. My sword was no longer a weapon but a part of me and both enemy and proponents refused to even put themselves in my path. They tell me I was death.

I screamed out for the medics to come and save him once I felt his heartbeat again. I don't think even after death that I will ever forget the look in the boy's eye. I named him hope. Next thing I remember was pushing the medics away from me as I tried to tell them to take care of the boy. They poked me with something and I was out like a light. Now I'm here in this dull hospital room writing my legacy.

The last words I wanted to get out are simple. There is nothing honorable about war and there is nothing beautiful about glory. However, there is a strange beauty around death. How is it that the dead are so much stronger than the living? Maybe it's because they are no longer naive but wise looking back on all of their previous mistakes. 

I wanted to say goodbye.

Sincerely,

Will Lance

June 24, 2019

Dear Lance,

I know you're not dead simply for the fact that your too stubborn to die. You'll find a way to live. I know you will. Today is my last day. My parents haven't told me this but I know that's what's going to happen. They can no longer afford my life or the pain it cost to prolong it.

My entire life I've never expected to live long. It was my unavoidable future that not money, medicine, or hope could change. I expected to be scared but I'm not only curious. I wonder what it's like. Maybe I'm destined to live in an internal darkness or maybe an internal light.

You've told your most important moment so I'm just going, to sum up, my life it this small letter. I will probably hide this under my bed or in a little crack between rocks so that someone can find it and be curious with me.

I was born on June 24, Midsummer, 2004. I was born at night though that probably wouldn't come as such a surprise to you. My mom said that my birth wasn't like other ones but special. I was born with a full head of hair and my eyes already open. The first thing I'd ever seen was the stars in the sky. My parents were surprised you see because they were expecting a boy. However, they named me Charlie anyways.

The doctors knew I was unhealthy right away because it took longer than normal for me to breath through my nose. I was always pale and cold so some mistaken me for a stillborn child. I was also weaker than other children of my age, smaller too. 

They said that I didn't have long to live but I showed them up. At age five I started to walk and I remember that my parents were so proud of me. I went to Kindergarten yet I was always brighter than the rest of my peers so my parents hired a private tutor for me instead. 

At age eight, I got worse and had to live at a hospital because I was too unstable. My dad lost his job and my parents started to have really big arguments. There was the talk of divorce but they pulled it together for me. Though they never said anything I knew that they were only together because of me. 

At nine, I started to speak much to my parent's delight. That was also the year I got diagnosed with my condition. Aplastic Anemia, they said they said that they had found out too late and it was now untreatable. My mom was very sick after that so I was with my grandparents a lot during that time. 

Sometimes when I was ten, I went back to the hospital when I started to have seizures and immense trouble breathing. I was then hospitalized from that time on. I remember when I had first seen the stars on my birthday that year. They were welcoming and bright as they smiled down upon me. 

The people at the hospital let me paint my room how I wanted and that's why all my walls have stars on them. They glow in the dark too. I wanted a window but the doctors said that it might worsen my condition if I was exposed to the tainted air. It always annoyed me when they said things like they. As if they didn't already know my life had already chosen its road and that was the road to the end.

I had a very grey life between 10 years old and 14 years old. A constant loop of sad smiles, sorries, presents, distractions that never worked. It never failed so I started making stories about life outside of the hospital walls, outside of life as we know it. Stories about the stars, the moon, and the sun. Things other people just don't understand.

This year has been my best and it will also be my last. I wanted to say some famous last words that were wise and confident but I don't have any. Because this is so I will say some other not as wise words. My life was black, white, and mostly blue. But now I am red. And will be red long after my passing. I have burned and now I will fade away into what could only be called the unknown. Bless the wicked with knowing and the pure with the truth. 

Sincerely;

ANARCHY.

AWAKENING HOPE

Dear Journal,

I can't believe I'm still alive and that the doctors were able to get out here in time. I'm going home soon, can't wait to see my dad. Isn't it strange that just yesterday I was writing Anarchy those ignorant letters about becoming a hero? I can't wait to surprise her with a letter as soon as I find the time to write one.

I wonder if anything has changed. Has dad changed? Has the old town where I grew up changed? Have my friends changed? Have I?

Leaving in a week, I am. I'm still don't believe that after all this time I'm finally going home. I seriously thought that I'd go home with my chest puffed out and my chest heavy with medals. Well, that last part is right. I did get medals for not only my time and leading the soldiers when my captain was taken out but also saving the kid.

They don't really matter much like I expected them to. I thought I would have them all up in a case in my house or give them to my dad to hang next to our family picture. Now, I just want to go home and am totally fine with leaving them somewhere to rust.

To think that the war is what really changed me at all but Anarchy. I would've died or even worse because of a proud fool if it wasn't for her letters keeping me in check. She just knows what to say when I'm acting naive or when I can't find the light. She is the light.

I really didn't have to answer back but she reminded me so much of my mom. Young and curious yet wise in a way that could make you feel dumb at times. She makes the stars seem bright and the world seem a little less dark. To think a little girl could teach me how to live.

Lance

Dear Diary,

I don't know where I am. All I remember is going to sleep with my mother's cries and my father's comfort's ringing in my ears. Then I was gone, swept away into a stream of nothing. I couldn't feel, hear, smell, or see in this stage of insanity. 

Then I landed here. I don't know where there is but that's what I've decided to call it. Here. There's a forest of burning trees that I've decided to call There.

Like I expected, the stars have stayed the same even in the odd land of Here.  Yet there is one difference. I find that they are clearer here and even now that I am writing in this empty book that I found mysteriously next to me when I woke up. Maybe this will not be a bad place after all.

The sky is different though, not that I've seen it many times while I was alive. Its red though, that just cannot be normal though, right? Not that it's not beautiful because it is. The red is a vibrant shade that goes perfectly with the orange and yellow puffs that float in the air. 

The grass is strange as well. Its purple in color and feels like silk and the dirt is like sand under my feet. My head has this dizzy feeling in it like when doctors give you medicine before a surgery or procedure. I don't like this.

I find that I don't need to write in the book in order for words to appear in it. As I look down and read the words that I did not put there, I read,¨And she did not know.¨. 

Black flashes in front of my eyes and my mouth repeat the words in an endless loop. The ground feels hollow and my body feels possessed by the new uneasiness of the unknowing. I open my eyes to see that everything has changed from what it originally was. The sky stirs violently with black and grey and the stars are nowhere to be found. I have a new name for this awful place. The Nothing. 

I look around to see that the ground now contains high dead grasses. The despair in my chest grew larger and larger until I could just barely pull myself out of it. I looked up one last time to see the black and grey angry sky glaring down at me. Yet for a second the stars looked down upon my gearing me with enough hope to pull me out of the literal cold pool of despair. After regaining my breath I ran towards There, the forest of burning trees, and then my vision cut to black.

ANARCHY

Dear Journal,

It was a mistake to think that nothing would change while I was gone. My father is still the same prideful man that I had wanted to impress. I was a boy then and I'm still a boy now. I thought that I would come home to a father who would be proud of me and my family there to welcome me. 

When I walked through the door, there was a woman in the house that looked a few months pregnant. She kept asking who I was and I kept staring at her. That's when my father walked in and looked at me in shock. While I kept looking at the woman in my home he kept exclaiming how they said I was dead, that I wouldn't be coming home.

After that, he broke down and tear and hugged me throwing my pack onto the floor. After a while, I pushed him away and asked who the woman in the kitchen was. He told me that she was his wife and that they were expecting a child soon. I looked at him with betrayal and left right then. 

How could he do this? How could he forget about my mother in such a short period of time? The girl looks half his age and still does not even hold a candle to my mother at her last moments. I'm starting to think that my father must have hit his head in the war and is just showing hints of insanity! 

I went back thinking hopefully that he had regained his senses but the woman was still there in our kitchen. I sat down thinking that I could withstand it at least for a little while but I just couldn't. My mother decorated this house, cooked for us, and set the table. To see another doing so was just wrong. My father just sat there as if it was totally normal for this woman to be infringing on our life like this. He even thanked her for cooking! I don't know whether or not the meal was good or not because I refused to eat it.  I left halfway throughout the dinner without a word, leaving my untouched plate behind on the table. I could hear my father calling out behind me but I couldn't care. 

Everything has changed. (CUE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG LOL)

LANCE

Dear Diary,

It turns out that the burning forest was not burning at all but had leaves that rippled like flames. I will now call this place The Infernal Haven because it saved me from The Nothing. The sky here is blue yet still not like it is on Earth. I again decided to name that place The Norm. Because there is no time here I have to make my own.

Yesterday's will be past days, tomorrows will count the future, and today's are present tense. Time will be measured in Roses which are years, Lilies which are months, Daisies which are weeks, Stems which are hours, Petals which are minutes, and Seeds which are seconds. Yup, that sounds lovely.

This place is like my own little world full of place I have to name and danger that I have to find. Now that I've set my times and named this place already, it's time to move on. I have to see how many Tomorrows it will take me to get to Somewhere. 

Later on the same Today.

The forest is finally clearing up! I can barely see the edge of a forest, an opening to my new adventure. I finally get to the edge of the forest but before I do that I have to look at the words in my book. I open up to a random page in the middle of the book and read the words,¨She will discover,¨. I smile widely and clear the sheet of rippling red leaves in my path. 

In front of me is a crystal lake surrounded by what looks like fairies. They have long white hair and big eyes colored into by the prettiest shade of green. On their bodies are dresses of all colors and I almost laugh at how extravagant they are for a casual swim in a lake. As I take a closer look, I see that they are dancing and not around the lake but on it! Their dresses float on top of the water as if it was a paved floor yet their feet never touches it. 

  shy for a moment but then I go forward. As I come out of the fiery brush they swiftly stop their dance and look toward me. They ask me who I am and I tell them my name. They refuse to take it and ask who I am again. This time I tell them my parents name. They shake their heads again and ask. Now, I say Anarchy, my name in all the stories that I had written. They smile at me and clap their small dainty hands while motioning for me to dance. 

I smile and nod my head until I look down and see that I am still wearing my hospital gown. Frowning now, I look down sadly remember what brought me here in the first place. One of the fairy-like creatures puts her hands gently on my cheeks and lifts my head. She smiles and kisses my forehead which sends a slight tingly feeling racing around my body. When I open my eyes, I feel a soft silk-like material over my body which had not been there before. 

Looking down now, I see a dress that white and flowy with golden galaxy design sowed into it. The sleeves are loose and have white silk butterflies covered in stardust. I notice that my black hair had been tied back with white and gold butterfly clips whos wings fluttered next to my ears.

I laugh joyfully and twirl around in my new outfit no longer sad about what brought me to this place. I now take the given hand of the fairy creature and join her and her friends while they dance for several Stems. 

The one bright day now retreats into the night. At this time, the fairy-like creatures take me to a glass kingdom that sits to the left of the lake. I tug on one of the girl's dresses and ask what this kingdom is called. She smiles and answers with Sairia. I think that I will call this place the Kingdom of Glass. Everything is made out a cold icelike material that looks like crystal or diamond. 

The castle itself is magnificent in size and design. It reaches towards the heaven with its tall pointed towers while flowers the color of frost climb up the sides. The fields around the castle are covered with color though roses, lilies, sunflowers, and poppies adding color to the amazing image. All at once, the fairies start to dance until their wide extravagant dresses fade away to much more simple ones. They suddenly break into a run to which I try to catch up with.

At the doors of the castle, I falter seeing the once entrancing structure as opposing. The girls who I find now are called ´the pretty ones´ usher me into the building filling my stomach with butterflies. 

Inside was unbelievable. I thought the towers reached into the heavens but there actually was no towers or ceiling for any matter. We could see the night sky in place of the ceiling and the floor was just weaved grass. What I thought were towers are really just milky pillars holding up the carved slabs of glass. At the top of these pillars were arched windows that provided moonlight and combined with the ball of white light on the walls.

I didn't get a lot of time to explore the many halls because Zyan, the leaders of the pretty ones, pulled me into a ballroom full of enthralling dancing folk as they laughed and sang along to the music. We did not dance though but went to a man on a throne of ice in the center of the stage. He looked cold, even colder than his throne. They preceded to pull me toward the scary man but the people around us just kept dancing. 

I struggled but Zyan smiled at me comfortingly and attempted to put me at ease. Now before the scary man's throne, the people stopped dancing and looked towards us. To me, they looked curious but Zyan hissed at them and pulled me in front of her protectively while stroking my hair. I looked up into the eyes of the once frozen man to see him smile at me. I smiled back no longer afraid of the King of Siaria. His mouth did not move yet I could still hear his deep and regal voice in my head welcoming me to his kingdom.

Before I knew it I was swept into a night of dancing and laughing. Zyan still kept a close eye on me but soon she was swept out of mind. After a while, everyone stopped dancing and looked towards the doors with hunger on their faces.

Zyan pulled me behind her trying to stop me from seeing what was happening. Peeking around her, I see several confused little girls be lead into a dance. Nothing seemed to be wrong yet over several petals the girls seemed to be getting exhausted. The begged the men that danced with them to stop but they just smiled their now cold smiles and dance even still. As the girls cried they laughed at their tears. 

After a few stems, the horror still had not stopped as they still danced, begged, and laughed. Suddenly, the girls fell to the ground dead and their feet were nothing but stubs. The men just frowned and pulled more girls on the dancefloor to dance along to the song of death. Zyan pulled me away from the sight as tears ran down my cheeks. She whispered words that I could not hear and wisped me away from the bloody scene. 

She took me to a hall where there was a door and told me to run. Told me that she would find me at first light as soon as she could verify that I was safe from her people. She said that I was different from those girls because I was stronger and could withstand the Song of the Fools. I asked her where to run and she smiled and said Somewhere pointing towards the direction of the Soon. We heard a laugh so she pushed me out the door and waved her hand closing me out.

I cried as I ran and ran as I ran into the starlit night. I will never know what life truly was but I sure know death as well as my own name.

ANARCHY