Chapter 3: Damned

February 14, 2019

Dear Lance,

We are all damned in one way or another. None of us are worthy of redemption because none of us even think we are worthy enough to forgive ourselves much less ask for the forgiveness of another.

We are all wicked and that's why we are born to die. The ones who try to deny it are just a little more wicked that we are. Religion is just a comfort that blinds us so that we cannot see who we really are. Redemption deprived.

Everyone knows this and this is what they fear more than anything. The end of our beginning, the sleep to our awakening. I think it's kinda beautiful how we burn so bright just so we can fade away. But I wanna start a fire. A wildfire because that's the only thing holding me to this place. That and the stars.

I've never really been afraid of death because it's pointless to try to avoid it. I was born to die and so was that boy. This isn't meant to be redemption for you just a wake-up call. You are in a land of death. A home to depravity and path to a noble demise. Tinted in red so you say.

There are many evils in this world but the greatest evils are ourselves. We are selfish and wicked though we would never admit that because we are naive as well. If we weren't naive we would break under the weight of our destruction. Sometimes the lore of naivety shields us from the sight of the seeing so in this world we are all blind.

However, it makes you just a bit less evil that you feel wrong for it. Some would brag about the kill but the fact that you feel shame proves that you haven't lost what makes you different from the other soldiers. Your honor.

Take into account the balance between life and death. The veil really isn't all that thin if you know where to look. Have you ever felt comforted when you lay down in the barracks and think that it's all going to be okay? Do that, then at least mentally it will.

Fight on,

ANARCHY.

April 16, 2019

Dear Anarchy,

Doctors let me have it. I'm gonna die any day now but I'm not scared. I did what I'm supposed to do and I'm proud of it. I saved someone, a child, that's gotta count for something right? I think this is the most important part of my life so I'm gonna tell you as it happened. I also have a few words to get out at the end.

They woke up late in the night while the stars were still out. The light was what came first, the excruciatingly bright light that pierced through the camp. Then came the sound of thunder, unforgiving thunder, raining down upon us like a summoning. After that came the smell of smoke, blood, and fear all coming together in a horrid recipe for disaster. Then was the taste of dread on my tongue when I heard the yelling coming from outside. Last of all, was the feeling I felt when I got up from my sack on the ground. It was the most horrible feeling I had ever felt in my life. The feeling of courage. I didn't know what was out there but I didn't want to know. Maybe it was fate, destiny, all of the above.

It was bad out there. I could hardly see two steps ahead on me and my feet were covered with the bodies of the fallen. I sliced my way through as I walked through the battlegrounds in my green suit. I couldn't afford to think of the people I was killing, I couldn't afford to stop but that wasn't what was scaring me the most. It was the fact that I didn't want to. 

We were getting slaughtered out there, their army was much more advanced than we were. I could hear the cries of pain yet I was too Courageous to turn and look. I just kept up with my slaughtering of heroes until I was one with the monster ruling my mind. It blamed these bastards for my mother's death. If she couldn't live then they shouldn't either, it wasn't fair that people that hadn't had the chance to live, like you and my Ma, have to die while they are healthy.

At one time when there were no more people to slice down with my blade, I looked up at the stars and cried. I said sorry but they continued to glare down at me unforgiving. They mocked me for being courageous but the truth was that I was a coward. A Courageous Coward. I was too scared to face my mistakes yet brave enough to seek out the foolish glory that only a boy could dream of. 

Then I set my eyes on the boy buried under all the carnation. I must have got hurt sometime when I was fighting but I didn't feel it as I marched through the ruble. He laid there without hope as the life faded away slowly. It was unfair that such a young spark didn't get the chance to burn as it should have.

I don't remember running but I do remember the air how it stilled in those moments between life and death. I don't remember getting on my knees to pump his chest for breath yet this is what they tell me. They said I ran like a man possessed blurring before their eyes. My sword was no longer a weapon but a part of me and both enemy and proponents refused to even put themselves in my path. They tell me I was death.

I screamed out for the medics to come and save him once I felt his heartbeat again. I don't think even after death that I will ever forget the look in the boy's eye. I named him hope. Next thing I remember was pushing the medics away from me as I tried to tell them to take care of the boy. They poked me with something and I was out like a light. Now I'm here in this dull hospital room writing my legacy.

The last words I wanted to get out are simple. There is nothing honorable about war and there is nothing beautiful about glory. However, there is a strange beauty around death. How is it that the dead are so much stronger than the living? Maybe it's because they are no longer naive but wise looking back on all of their previous mistakes. 

I wanted to say goodbye.

Sincerely,

Will Lance

June 24, 2019

Dear Lance,

I know you're not dead simply for the fact that your too stubborn to die. You'll find a way to live. I know you will. Today is my last day. My parents haven't told me this but I know that's what's going to happen. They can no longer afford my life or the pain it cost to prolong it.

My entire life I've never expected to live long. It was my unavoidable future that not money, medicine, or hope could change. I expected to be scared but I'm not only curious. I wonder what it's like. Maybe I'm destined to live in an internal darkness or maybe an internal light.

You've told your most important moment so I'm just going, to sum up, my life it this small letter. I will probably hide this under my bed or in a little crack between rocks so that someone can find it and be curious with me.

I was born on June 24, Midsummer, 2004. I was born at night though that probably wouldn't come as such a surprise to you. My mom said that my birth wasn't like other ones but special. I was born with a full head of hair and my eyes already open. The first thing I'd ever seen was the stars in the sky. My parents were surprised you see because they were expecting a boy. However, they named me Charlie anyways.

The doctors knew I was unhealthy right away because it took longer than normal for me to breath through my nose. I was always pale and cold so some mistaken me for a stillborn child. I was also weaker than other children of my age, smaller too. 

They said that I didn't have long to live but I showed them up. At age five I started to walk and I remember that my parents were so proud of me. I went to Kindergarten yet I was always brighter than the rest of my peers so my parents hired a private tutor for me instead. 

At age eight, I got worse and had to live at a hospital because I was too unstable. My dad lost his job and my parents started to have really big arguments. There was the talk of divorce but they pulled it together for me. Though they never said anything I knew that they were only together because of me. 

At nine, I started to speak much to my parent's delight. That was also the year I got diagnosed with my condition. Aplastic Anemia, they said they said that they had found out too late and it was now untreatable. My mom was very sick after that so I was with my grandparents a lot during that time. 

Sometimes when I was ten, I went back to the hospital when I started to have seizures and immense trouble breathing. I was then hospitalized from that time on. I remember when I had first seen the stars on my birthday that year. They were welcoming and bright as they smiled down upon me. 

The people at the hospital let me paint my room how I wanted and that's why all my walls have stars on them. They glow in the dark too. I wanted a window but the doctors said that it might worsen my condition if I was exposed to the tainted air. It always annoyed me when they said things like they. As if they didn't already know my life had already chosen its road and that was the road to the end.

I had a very grey life between 10 years old and 14 years old. A constant loop of sad smiles, sorries, presents, distractions that never worked. It never failed so I started making stories about life outside of the hospital walls, outside of life as we know it. Stories about the stars, the moon, and the sun. Things other people just don't understand.

This year has been my best and it will also be my last. I wanted to say some famous last words that were wise and confident but I don't have any. Because this is so I will say some other not as wise words. My life was black, white, and mostly blue. But now I am red. And will be red long after my passing. I have burned and now I will fade away into what could only be called the unknown. Bless the wicked with knowing and the pure with the truth. 

Sincerely;

ANARCHY.