Slimy Hoard

I sat in a chair located in my room, my eyes fixated on the bag left behind by the 'Slime God'.

{You've been staring at that bag for the last minute and a half.} The Gods commented humorously. {Is it your long lost lover or something?}

My eyes snapped away from the bag instantly, an annoyed look on my face.

{Wow. Do you have a fetish for loot?}

I opened my mouth to deny the statement, but the Gods cut me off before I could speak.

{Don't answer that.} They said. {We already know the answer to that question.}

My eye twitched at the undisguised jab.

"Are you just going to keep insulting me today?" I asked.

{We're just trying to lighten the mood.}

"By pissing me off?" I asked, my eye twitching once more.

{Well at least one of us is laughing now.} The gods answered with a snicker.

"And one of us is most definitely not." I responded with a deadpan stare, my eyes boring a hole into the wall.

{We are quite glad that we are not a physical manifestation right now.} The Gods said with another small snicker. {You may have burned a hole in our body with the heat from that glare.} They joked.

"I see that we are at a disagreement there." I said flatly. "I would love nothing more than to put a hole through you right now."

{Cool.} The Gods Responded. {Can we look at the loot now? I'm sure everyone wants to see the secrets hidden within that little bag right there.}

My eyes brightened at the mention of loot, and my glare vanished into nothingness.

{We see that nothing makes you happier than some loot.} The Gods joked once again.

"It's like a lottery that you can never lose." I said. "I can never get disappointed."

{We see.} The Gods commented.

"Now for prize number one!" I said happily, reaching into the bag.

The first thing I pulled out was some sort of... water gun?

[Overloaded Blaster

16 ranged damage

extremely weak knockback

4% critical chance

very fast use time

6.5 velocity

33% chance to not consume gel

Fires a large spread of bouncing slime]

I stared at the pink and purple 'water gun', moving it around to look at the entire object.

"I can't see this as anything other than a glorified super-soaker."

{Don't worry, it's technically not a gun.}

I was confused at the statement.

"Then what is it besides a gun?"

{Technically a flamethrower.}

"What?" I said. "How the hell is this a flamethrower? It shoots slimeballs, not fire."

{Are you sure?}

I aimed the blaster at my wall and fired it.

I watched as five separate blue spheres flew out of my gun at an extremely slow speed, leaving a trail of blue sparkles.

"Okay, so not slimeballs." I corrected. "But it still doesn't shoot fire."

{Yet it is still a flamethrower nonetheless.}

"Why?"

{It has the required traits of a flamethrower, so it's a flamethrower.}

"So this thing is an honorary flamethrower because it has some similarities?" I said, holding up the blaster.

{Precisely.}

"That is some of the dumbest logic I have heard in a while."

{Indeed it is.}

I stared at the flamethrower for a moment before putting it into my inventory.

"Enough about the not-a-flamethrower. Let's move onto item number two!"

I reached into the small bag once again, pulling out another unexpected item.

A crimson book.

"A book?" I said confusedly, not expecting something so normal looking.

{Open it and see what's written inside.}

"I really shouldn't listen to you, but I'm doing it anyway." I said as I reached for a random page in the book.

I opened the book and was immediately slapped in the face with a crimson tentacle.

It hurt like hell.

"Ow! What the fuck?!" I exclaimed after getting slapped, shocked at the unexpected event.

The only response I got was the laughing of the Gods.

{You should've seen the look on your face! It was priceless!} The Gods exclaimed, laughing loudly.

"Yeah yeah, laugh at me getting slapped by some eldritch tentacle. I'm sure it was funny to watch."

{It sure as hell was!} The Gods said in between laughs.

I looked at the book and what it did.

[Eldritch Tome

48 magic damage

Weak knockback

7 mana cost

9% crit chance

Fast use time

12 velocity

Casts eldritch tentacles to spear your enemies]

I stared at the tome in annoyance.

"I knew I shouldn't have listened to you." I said. "Nothing good ever comes from it."

{Nothing good for you, you mean.} The Gods corrected. {We enjoy your suffering so much.}

"I would gladly enjoy your suffering as well." I replied. "Too bad I can't." I said in a sad tone of voice.

{Yes. Too bad.} The Gods replied sarcastically.

"Anyways, onto item number three!"

I reached into the bag once more, pulling out the strangest item so far.

It was a floating crystal being orbited by two small balls of slime, one that is orange, and one that is light blue.

I was confused as to what the item was and decided to look at the stats of the item.

[Mana Polarizer

Increases max mana by 50 and magic damage by 6%

Life regen lowered by 3 if mana is above 50% of its maximum

Grants spectre healing, the amount healed scales with your mana

The more mana you have, the more you heal]

I was even more confused by the description of the item, as I only understood half of the terms being used.

"Spectre healing?" I said confusedly.

{Think of it as a sort of magic life steal.}

"Oh." was all I could say.

{It is quite useful in some scenarios.}

"But not right now, since I'm not in a fight at the moment."

{You are not.}

I put the polarizer into my inventory, planning on using it at a later date.

I reached into the bag once more, this time pulling out several items at once.

The first to come out was a worktable called the [Statigel Refiner], which is supposed to be used to make statigel-themed furniture.

The next items were two large balls of gel, with one being of the purified variety.

"the hell do I use purified gel for?" I said.

{Armor and tools.} The Gods informed me. {But guess what you also need to craft them?}

I simply sighed in response.

{Hellstone bars.}

"So I have to go revisit the underworld again?"

{Yes.} They responded. {We hole that this time you don't get assaulted by another ancient worm.}

"Hey!" I retorted. "I got a cool weapon from killing that worm!"

{Yes but did you get any hellstone from killing that worm?}

I sighed.

"No. I didn't get any hellstone."

{So we're going back.}

"Can I at least get a break?"

I expected a response from the Gods, but life hits you in unexpected ways.

I heard my door swing open, and I turned to see that Jacob was standing in the doorway, holding a familiar purple potion.

I gave him my best death glare.

"Don't you fucking dare." I ground out.

He just grinned and lobbed the glass bottle at me, saying a single word:

"Nope."

"You son of a-" I began to yell, the sentence cut off by the splash of the potion.

-The underworld-

"-Bitch!" I finished.

{Comedic timing at its finest.} The Gods laughed.

"You can shove that comedic timing up your ass." I growled.

{We politely decline.} They replied. {Now go get some hellstone!}

I reluctantly stomped off towards one of the obsidian towers, prepared to deal with the shitshow that I knew awaited me.