Om Nom
Chapter 36
Om Nom
Nom started filling the water bags.
"Now, a proper guillotine blade has a weigh of about eighty pounds and a fall of just over nine feet. The reason for all of that is to ensure that the blade cleanly removes the head, even if it catches on bone. It is coming down so hard, and at just the right angle, to ensure it just slides through that neck, like a hot knife through butter. It only takes a fraction of a second too."
"Naturally, lugging a case with an eighty pound blade, would make me look rather suspicious. Plus I'd probably throw out my back after a few hundred yards. But with these…"
He showed the now full water bags.
"No need to make the blade so heavy on its own."
Nom squeezed the air out, and sealed the bags. He lugged first one, then the other over to the blade. Attaching one to either side, he grasped the pulley rope. From his tools he pulled a small electric winch. A quick firing of the ram set and it was fastened to the floor. Threading the other end of the pulley rope into it, he pressed the switch and began to hoist his load aloft.
"Now one gallon of water weighs about eight pounds, so if I put five gallons in each bag I get eighty weight pounds of ballast. With a few moments work, the winch had the blade fifteen feet in the air."
The hand carved iron wood stocks were next. Nom fastened them to the counter edge just as he had planned. The steel ropes were perfectly aligned and ran through the guides on the stocks with little difficulty. The guillotine was ready.
The monitor screen next to the camera switched to a color pallet. Then the blinking face of the senate majority leader came into the frame. Nom nodded his head in greeting.
"Good morning, Senator. I am sorry to take you from the floor in such a hurried fashion. Out of curiosity, what were you doing there? The senate is not scheduled to open its daily session today until nine in the morning. Its barely seven now." He said checking the time on the wall clock.
"We were getting ready for a quorum call, last night the House passed the new stop gap bill, and we wanted to take an early whack at it." The Senator said.
"Actually trying to keep the government open?" Nom mused. "Surprising, given your record."
The Senator grunted "Well—"
Nom interrupted him. "I do apologize for interrupting you sir, but that was a rhetorical comment, not an opening for a debate. Now, to the business at hand. The constitution states that treaties shall have the status of law of the land. It gives them equal weight to constitutional amendments as well. So, in a roundabout way the senate technically could ratify a treaty that violates the US constitution, all without having to first amend the constitution, since that treaty would have the same force of law as an amendment would."
"Personally, I have always thought of this as a built-in self-destruct button. The framers wanted the government to have the means to surrender the nation or make extreme radical change in a time of war. Do you follow me, Senator?" Nom asked.
"I can't say that I do." The Senator said in his guttural voice. "I also have to tell you that I can't negotiate with you. It is the policy of the US government to not negotiate with terrorists, and the sole power to negotiate is granted to the President."
"Oh, tisk-tisk, Senator. There are negotiations, and then there are negotiations. The Congress is generally obliged to not engage in negotiating foreign policy, but it engages in domestic negotiations all the time. Additionally, the senate can ratify without the prior approval of the President, so long as he signs off on it in the end."
"Sir, I didn't get you name, what is it?" The Senator asked.
"You may call me Death, sir. For that is what I have become."
The Senator was a bit taken aback by this statement, his face turned even more sallow than usual, and he began repeatedly swallowing.
"Well… ok then… Mr. Death."
Death interrupted. "Just Death, senator. It's like saying God with a capital G, no one questions you on which 'god' you are referring to. It is a title, not a name. Notice that I address you by your's. I am only asking for you to return the same curtesy."
"Death, I am here to beg you to not kill the elected leader of the American people." The Senator mumbled.
"Senator, the creature" Nom said with a thumb over his shoulder, "was elected by a technicality, not the people. The majority of the voters selected his opponent. It was only the electoral college that put him into office." Death retorted.
"I won't argue that with you Death, just please don't kill him." The Senator said.
"I haven't decided yet whether or not I will kill you Senator, but his fate is sealed. Now on to business." Nom reached into his left hip pocket, and removed a folded letter and began to read.
From:
-Death:
-A hostile and belligerent power.
To:
-The political entity styling itself as the United States of America.
Re:
-Casus Belli.
Greetings,
I do herby issue my demand for the surrender of the "United States" unto me. Until such a surrender occurs, this letter shall serve as a formal declaration of war. It has duly been delivered to the "United States Government." Per international custom, the causes of this conflict shall be listed here. They include but are not limited to:
1. Encroachment by conservative and religious ideologies into the American educational system. The resulting intellectual decline has sunk the nation to a level on par with third world nations.
a. This is a crime against posterity and a cause for war.
2. The corruption of the government at the highest levels and its complicit acts in the creation of a corporatocracy.
a. This is a crime against decency and a cause for war
3. The American cultural worship of the common, uneducated man over the enlightened and educated.
a. This is a crime against sanity and a cause for war
4. The choice of the American higher education system to waste vital resources on troglodyte sports teams and events rather than on improving the state of mankind.
a. This is a crime against enlightenment and is cause for war
5. The American fascination with the wasteful, futile, and unnecessary breeding of the unfit. Every American is encouraged to breed. They are culturally stigmatized if they fail to comply. All of this regardless of whether or not society would benefit from the continuance of their genetic, social, and cultural material. The result is a gross sub-human overpopulation, armed with the benefits of the science it daily denigrates. Sadly, that very science is preventing natural selection from eliminating the wasteful surplus, as it would have in ages past.
a. This is a crime against nature and is a cause for war
6. The insistence of the American plutocrats on retaining financial power and control in the hands of the uber financial elite, an elevated class generally selected by right of birth rather than by merit. The elite continually take the work of the poor and hand them a pittance for it, all while stealing the profit for themselves and their progeny.
a. This is a crime against the capital species of this planet, Homo Sapiens, and the genius homo in general. It is cause for war.
7. The gross miss application of the American economy, specifically, in not electing to push scientific advancement as rapidly and as safely as possible. Rather they are sitting back comfortably resting on ancient laurels. Specifically, the fact that with current technology it is already possible for us to be a space faring species. Instead we spend billions on sports stadiums, pathetic super hero movies, and unnecessarily wasteful super militaries
a. This is a crime against progress and is a cause for war.
8. The evil of the American government specifically, in choosing wasteful tax gifts to the rich and corporations. Additionally, on funding a super military, rather than maintain and updating the nation's infrastructure and social welfare system.
a. This is a crime against the strength of humanity and is a cause for war
9. Untold persons across the world, numbering into the hundreds of millions, have died unjustly in the neo colonial wars the US waged over the last seventy years. Humans who died not in the name of human progress, but in the name of American corporate greed.
a. This is a crime against liberty and a cause for war.
As noted above, these casus belie are not the sum total of the US government's offences, but they are more than adequate cause by themselves. Until such a time that the US sues for peace, I, Death, shall engage in: unilateral, total, and unrestricted warfare, on this nation.
Signed,
Death
Nom folded the paper and set it on the coffee table behind him.
"Senator, I have duly served you with my declaration of war. Normally, I would be required under the laws of war, to permit you time for your diplomates to retreat before engaging in open hostilities. Since, I am a power without a nation, and since the US government has a global presence, it does not seem rational to do this."
"Uh… Mr. Death, I'm only here to ask you to release your hostages. I'm not authorized to negotiate." The Senator said.
"Senator, I told you, Death is my title, not my name. But that doesn't matter. I think the world needs a live demonstration of my power."
"Wait!" The Senator cried.
With his left hand, Nom pressed the mute button for his ear piece.
"Please hold the line, Senator, I'll be back with you shortly."
Nom walked over to the couch holding his three remaining guests: The President, Krysa Litso, and Kelly Blyad the show's Legs De Jour.
"Mr. Litso. Please wake."
Krysa Litso's eyes slowly opened, and he took in the carnage around him with a surprising calm.
Nom did not offer him his hand in greeting; instead, he freshened his water glass, took a sip, and approached his next prey.
"Mr. Litso, I do not want you to speak. You are to stand up for me and face the camera."
Slowly, and fighting the command, Krysa Litso came shakily to his feet. He was surprisingly tall and quite a bit heavier than he looked on camera.
"Sir, you may answer me with head nods and shakes only. Now, have you ever been told that you should eat a dick, or that you are a dick? I wish for you to answer me truthfully."
With his neck muscle bulging in effort to fight the movement, Krysa Litso's head nodded.
"Have you ever heard the saying: 'You are what you eat?'"
Again, Krysa Litso nodded.
"Well, since you are without a doubt a dick, I think it is about time you live up to the rest of that saying."
Nom took the utility knife from his kit, opened it, and set it on the coffee table.
"Allrighty then! Let's get to work. Mr. Litso, please do be kind enough to lower your trousers and any undergarments you may be wearing. Please do it in full view of the camera."
It took a moment for him to comply. Litso's will to fight was by far the strongest Nom had yet encountered. His hands shook with suppressed rage as he stood before the eyes of the nation with his family jewels on display.
Nom looked directly into the camera.
"Let me remind the Control Room that any effort to edit, or censor this, will result in my immediately killing the President." He said.
"Now, Mr. Litso, step out of your pants and under garments please. I do not want you to trip."
Given his exposed manhood, the man fought this minor indignity all the harder. Nom was forced to reinforce the commands twice. Once it was done, Nom sat down next to the President, put his arm around the shoulder of the leader of the free world, and propped his feet on the coffee table.
"Okay! Mr. Litso. First things first, to show my power, you are going to walk over to Kelly Blyad."
Krysa Litso slowly complied.
"Now I want you to remove the hair band, she is using to hold that ponytail in place."
A few moments of struggle followed, but the instructions were carried out.
"Now, I want you to use that hair band as a tourniquet on your full wedding tackle: rod, balls, and sack. Yes, just put it right up to your pelvic bone and loop it as many times as you can, make it as tight as you can."
In a moment it was done.
"Thank you, sir. Now, we have a surplus guest contestant on our little show. I have no further use for her, and since she is an avowed conservative, well, I'm sort of at war with her. Would you please be a dear? Take care of her for me? Then you and we can finish our business."
The look of pure rage in Litso's face was delicious.
Nom held out his pistol butt first.
"I understand that you are quite the fan of firearms and regularly conceal carry. So, I am going to assume you know how to use that. I want you to put a round between Kelly Blyad's eyes, safety the weapon, and then hand it back to me."
Every muscle in Krysa Litso's body writhed as he tried to fight the order, but both his arms rose of their own volition. He assumed a classic two handed stance, took aim, and smoothly squeezed the trigger. Kelly Blyad proceeded to decorate the studio much as her coworkers had. When he finished, Krysa Litso slowly safetied the weapon and held it out to Nom.
"Thanks for your help, old man. You know, back in my conservative youth, your radio show was my favorite afternoon entertainment when I drove home. Your logic and thinking was so helpful in my efforts to stay a brainwashed conservative. I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I did without you. It's nice to know that you are still helpful. I need you to do one more thing."
"Now that we have constricted the blood vessels in your manhood to the point that it is turning purple, I think we can safely proceed."
Nom pointed to the knife on the table.
"Mr. Litso. I want you to amputate your wedding tackle. Cut bellow the tourniquet, so that you do not bleed to death on me. Don't worry, the blade is razor sharp, and, by this time, your merchandise should be rather numb from blood loss."
It seemed to take an eternity for Krysa Litso to pick up the knife and do as he had been instructed. When he held the bloody mess in his hands, shaking in pain and rage, Nom gave him his final order.
"Krysa Litso. You sir, are one of the worst criminals the enemy has to offer. You are a dick. You are what you eat. I wish for you to try and eat your dick, sir. But, I want you to not chew. You are to swallow it whole. Then, it will become lodged in your throat, and you will choke on it. You are to die choking on your own dick, sir."
The event took the normal amount of time: consumption, choking, hypoxia, loss of consciousness, and death, all followed at the usual rate. Litso resisted, but eventually he put his: shaft, sack, and tackle into his mouth. He gagged, almost as if he were protesting, claiming that this was the first dick to pass his virgin lips. Nom doubted it, a man like Litso was probably blowing men like the President every night of his adult life. Slowly, his throat muscles worked, and the mess was pulled down until it lodged. Krysa Litso started choking, and thrashing. Nom cut the man's control of his legs, causing him to collapse onto the floor and left him there. He could feel from the twinkling life fire, that its ember did not have long left to burn.