All alone

I hate admitting my feelings. I don't want to. I'm willing to admit it to myself, but only once in a while. It's only been two days, and yesterday went by so fast. But today has been probably one of the longest days of my life. It's just so mixed and complicated. I still feel so tired and drained.

I personally don't know how to feel about Sam. I want to be friends, but just friends. I talked to her once though. And she's on her way out.

My dad walks up to my door and stops. I think he's about to knock, but doesn't. He just stands there for a bit. He moves is hand to the door, but stops.

"Hey kiddo," he says, kind of sad, "I know today wasn't the best. But dinner will be once mom gets home. If you're not hungry, I understand. I'll leave you alone. But I came here to say furball wants in, and I thought you'd want him to comfort you."

I don't say anything. I just get up, walk to the door, slightly open it, and pony hand out. He sets Shawn on my hand and I take him in. I shut the door and sit on my bed.

I just stroke the top of Shawn's head as he purrs and falls asleep. I go on my phone and just stare at it. No new messages. I mean, I just have my parents and Laureen. I haven't added anyone else. Shane hasn't texted me yet, but I don't mind. I'm not sure what to do. I'm so bored, yet I want to be alone.

I look outside the window in my room. Rain again. I'm not in my school uniform anymore, soa hoodie and a walk might be nice. I prefer walks when it's rainy. So I grab my sneakers and hoodie in each hand. I put them on and grab Shawn. I leave my room and set him on Dad's lap.

"I'm going for a walk," I say, heading out the door, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Ok kiddo," Dad calls to me. "be safe."

I leave the house without another word.I just walk in the rain, starting to make my way around the block. And in the end, like after every single day, I'm alone. I'm all alone with no one but my thoughts. I kind of prefer it this way, but I also feel abandoned. But why?

As I'm walking, I step in a puddle.It would be no bug deal, if it wasn't the biggest puddle I've ever seen. Now my pants are soaking, along with my sneakers. Great.

I make my way around the block and head back inside. As I pass Dad, I mention I'm not in the mood for food. He just says "ok" and hands me Shawn. I head in my room and stay there. I just lay there, all alone. I think to myself while petting Shawn. I play some games on my phone, but it doesn't have the same effect.

I feel like I have no friends, not a single soul. I feel alone, almost all the time. Is it my own fault? I tend to cause people pain. I tend to shoo people away. I tend to just be horrible. But I'm trying. So why do I keep failing? I guess I'll never know.