Chapter 4 - Bat Shit Cray-Cray

Chapter Four - Bat Shit Cray-Cray

Sat on the deck of the Going Merry, surrounded by paint pots, I stuck my tongue out of my mouth in concentration, looking at my white sheet with great pride as I added the finishing touches to a masterpiece.

"What is that? The skull's too small," Nami commented, tilting her head at my art.

"That's because it's not a Jolly Roger. That's the musician," I beamed, pointing at the stick figure with a giant skull bobble head before picking up my masterpiece to view. "It's a family portrait."

"Who the hell has such a creepy crew?" Nami yelled, smacking me on the head.

"Are those antlers on that guy?" Usopp frowned, pointing at Chopper.

"Which one is me?" Zoro questioned as I pointed to what was evidently him. "Isn't that a hedgehog?"

I sat in my corner of shame, head bowed as they tore my artwork apart. At the reveal of our Jolly Roger, I perked right back up, running into the ship to grab every piece of clothing I owned and dropping it in front of Usopp who sweat-dropped.

"I want it on my T-shirt, and I want it on my hat! Ooh, ooh and make the pom-pom yellow!" I demanded, picking out the pom-pom hat with the Buggy Pirates Jolly Roger on it and throwing it to him.

"I would charge by the item, Usopp," Nami grinned, beli signs in her eyes before her gaze rested on one item amongst my hoard in particular. "Aren't these that Jango guys?"

"Who?" I blinked, taking the heart shaped glasses from her and placing them on the bridge of my nose.

"You know, that hypnotist we fought in Usopp's Village," Nami prompted.

I sweat-dropped.

"Look into my eyes," I commanded. "When I say 'Moonwalker' you will forget about their presence. One, Two, Moonwalker!"

I removed the glasses before shoving them into my pocket.

"What were we talking about?" I blinked, earning myself a fist to the head.

Once my clothing was personalised, I spun on the spot, squishing down my blonde locks with the pom-pom hat, whipping on a belt with the Jolly Roger on the buckle. I placed the knives I had stolen from the kitchen within the belt, and pulled on a yellow shirt over my black tank top.

"Ta-da!" I cheered with jazz hands, blinking before I realised the world had gone black. "Ah, help, I've gone blind!"

I ran around, arms flapping in a panic, my face meeting several very large and very hard objects along the way, before being yanked up into the air by Luffy who used one rubber arm draped over the mast like a fishing line. Nami pulled the brand new yellow T-shirt over my head. I beamed, liking how it was loose enough to hang off my shoulders, the Jolly Roger on its front in full view for all to see.

"High quality work, wouldn't you say?" Nami grinned. "Now let's see; twenty items, custom designed, a yellow pom-pom, and your total comes to 50,000 beli."

As Luffy placed me back on the deck, I dug in my pocket, pulling out a cookie to place into her outstretched hand.

"And there's more where that came from if you're good, Nami!" I grinned, patting her on the head before making my great escape over the deck and diving into the sea.

Lying on my back, I basked in the sun, two hands tucked under my head as I bobbed along on the water current. I blinked at the sound of cannon fire, screaming as the cannonball headed right for me, making me zip across the water at the speed of light as another cannonball graced the skies.

"Sis!"

I jumped out of my skin, finding my fist making contact with a thick skull before two figures sunk into the depths of the sea.

"Oh, whoopsie," I sweat-dropped, diving back under the water and pulling up the two swordsmen. "Let's get you two to the ship."

At my loud grunts, it wasn't long before the crew came to see what I was up to. I heaved on my rope, wincing when one of the swordsman's heads hit the deck. With a final tug their two bodies encased back-to-back in rope came flying up onto the deck as I fell back and did my best starfish impression.

"What a great warm up before today's training!" I grinned, looking towards Zoro. "How did I do, senpai?"

"One of them is still conscious," Zoro pointed out upon hearing one of the two men groan.

"She just hauled two grown men onto the deck," Usopp exclaimed, mouth wide before rubbing his chin. "Of course this is nothing compared to the twenty I once pulled from the water with nothing more than a rubber band!"

"Wait a second, I know this guy. Aren't you Johnny?" Zoro continued, acting as if Usopp hadn't said a word.

Nethertheless, I was too busy hanging out in my corner of shame. That was until the two introduced themselves as former partners of the great Roronoa Zoro.

"Ahh, please forgive me, friends of my senpai! I didn't mean to knock you out," I groveled, bowing before them on my hands and knees before the one with scurvy began coughing up blood again. "Poor, friend of senpai."

"If you feel sorry for him, why are you drawing on his face?" Zoro yelled, teeth like daggers as I completed the moustache and beard combination with a gleeful grin.

Nami saved him with the power of limes as I sang and jigged around on deck ('you put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up'). As the conversation took a turn to the restaurant of the seas, my mind turned to the delicacy that was chocolate mousse.

"Even that 'Hawk-eyed man' you've been looking for has been sighted there once before."

Halfway through my drooling, I let out a squeak, whistling with my head turned up to the sky as Zoro turned to regard me impassively.

"What's up with you?" he questioned.

"Nothing, just thinking about chocolate mousse," I breezed, trying to ignore the knowing glare that I received in response.

"I'm Luffy! Starting today, I'll be the errand-boy! Nice to meet you!"

I grinned, wrapping an arm around Luffy's shoulder as he introduced himself to the kitchen of the Baratie, sporting a white apron to match my own. He had been forced to work there thanks to the whole launching a cannonball at the restaurant on the seas fiasco. As for myself...

"Oh, hey Luffy!"

"Eve? What are you doing here? Did the old man blame you for some damage he caused, too?" Luffy asked, folding his arms.

I laughed because there was no doubt he had already forgotten about it and thought he had to work here because Zedd had kicked him through the upper floor.

"Na, I came in for some chocolate mousse," I shrugged, taking off my chef and pom-pom hat combo to wipe away the sweat from my forehead.

"Kitchen-hand! Have you finished cutting up those vegetables?" one chef bellowed at me as I replaced my dual headwear.

I held up a finger to Luffy as if to say 'one moment' before I grabbed the chopping board with a mass of vegetables on it before flinging them up in the air. I jumped, whipping out my knives before slicing through the air with rapid 'cha's before the vegetables dropped, peeled and sliced.

"Still haven't found it," I sighed, shaking my head.

"What have we told you, kitchen-hand? 0.55 centimeter cubes! These are 0.53 at best!"

"Ahh, I gotta go deal with this, have fun Luffy!" I sighed, turning around to the chef and twirling the knives I had taken from Merry's kitchen skillfully.

Turns out if you walk into the Baratie kitchen with kitchen knives they sure as hell are going to make sure you know how to use them.

"Does it really matter if they're 0.02 centimetres off?" I sighed, looking down at the fruits (vegetables?) of my labour.

I yelped as a knife whizzed past my face, feeling a sharp sting on my cheek. I lifted my hand to my cheek, feeling only the slightest speck of blood.

"0.02 centimetres would have meant you wouldn't have got cut," the chef scoffed as I cracked a grin.

Damn, these cooks were cool. Just like Walter White. I wouldn't mind looking for that chocolate mousse for just a little longer…

"Hey, who the hell put these in? They're not on the menu!"

My eyes flashed as I threw my knife across the room, sweat-dropping when the chef caught it by the handle. However, it was just enough of a distraction to place myself between him and the oven, knife raised as I flashed my demonic aura.

"Don't touch my cookies."

At the arrival of Don Krieg and his half-starved crew I headed outside from the kitchens where I had practically lived these past few days. That was when I came across Nami dragging a huge bag of treasure across the deck to the Merry. The corners of my mouth downturned as she looked at me and froze on the spot.

"Oh, hey Eve, I was just…"

"I made cookies," I interrupted with a smile.

"What?"

"You're been so good, Nami. So I'll let you have one," I beamed, reaching into my pocket and bringing out a bag full of freshly baked cookies and holding them out to her.

Her eyes flicked between the cookies before looking into my blue orbs.

"No, that's ok," Nami sighed as she decided to take great interest in the floor, "I'm not hungry."

"Okie dokie, then," I chirped, carrying on my merry way, dropping the bag of cookies into her sack of treasure. "See you soon."

I whistled as I walked away, giving Nami a backwards wave as I headed towards Don Krieg's ship. I sat against the Baratie, resting my head in my arms as I waited for certain destruction. Destruction, however, seemed to be an understatement as I watched more than just a ship split into two. The very ocean seemed to part with it, like a goddamn bible reference. With a deep breath, I got up and dove into the water, aiming for a certain floating coffin.

"Hello, sir!" I chirped, pushing myself onto the deck of Mihawk's boat. "Could I tempt you in a cookie?"

I gulped as Mihawk's attention turned to me, his gaze a promise that I was about to be vanquished by laser eyes. Most likely due to the puddle I was creating with my dripping. It was an impressive way to go, to be sure, but I'd rather not.

"They… err… b-baked this morning. Orange zest and ch-chocolate chip," I stuttered, holding up a bag of cookies, my hand shaking violently as the contents rattled.

"Damn it, what did we do to you? Why the hell did you have to follow us out here?" someone called from the Baratie.

I used the distraction to Mihawk's attention to pant heavily and try to recollect myself. Mihawk himself seemed to be contemplating the question from the member of Don Kreig's crew, head tilted to the side.

"Just to kill some time."

Holy shit, I was bat shit crazy. This was a guy that took revenge over a disturbed nap and what had I done? Tried to quell his rage with cookies. My eye twitched as the man who had called out pointed his guns at us. I dropped my cookies, pulling out my knife and flinging it towards him at a force to knock him over and impale the knife in his chest before he even thought to fire.

"I've never seen such graceful movements," Zoro praised, eyes wide.

"Oh, thank you senpai!" I blushed, clutching my cheeks in pride. "I've been working so hard in the kitchen..."

"Not you!" Zoro yelled, before continuing in his awe-filled tone, "and the speed at which he wielded the sword. Amazing."

I blinked, hearing the familiar crunch of a cookie being devoured. Turning, my mouth hung open as Mihawk sat there with half a cookie in hand, crumbs scattered amongst his perfectly sculpted beard. Had Mihawk just… drawn his sword to save a bag of cookies before they hit the ground? I swear my soul was threatening to be exorcised at this moment, but Brook had since copyrighted that gag.

"I set sail to meet you!" Zoro called over, making me jump in front of Mihawk.

"No he didn't," I protested, waving my hands at him. "Don't listen to that guy, he's nuts."

Pot. Meet Kettle.

"What do you aim for?" Mihawk inquired, looking more interested in his cookie as he finished it off and shoved the rest within his cape.

"To be the strongest," Zoro grinned, donning his black bandana. "You said you're free, right? So let's have a duel."

"No. No duel, or… or no more cookies!" I scolded them, following Mihawk off the boat that had drifted towards the Baratie.

"Pitiful weakling." Mihawk growled. "Even your own subordinate recognises it."

"Woah, Hawky Mi-hawkface!" I raged, jabbing a single finger towards him. "My senpai is not weak! One day he will knock you from your high tower and claim the title of greatest swordsman! One day, just…"

Not today.

"Eve," I was one step away from trying to punch Mihawk in the face (did I mention I'm bat shit crazy?), but my eyes flicked to Zoro, causing me to unclench my fist to run a hand down my face.

"Fine," I muttered, stomping off to where Luffy was along with Usopp and our two swordsman passengers.

I sat down cross-legged and folded my arms, glaring at the two. And so, one of the most ridiculous and unbelievable fights ensued in front of my eyes. I mean, how Mihawk made a fucking baby sword (do-do-dodododo) look badass fucking blows my mind.

"I thought you were against this," Usopp frowned, turning to me momentarily. "Why are you eating popcorn?"

"I'm stressed," I snapped, shoving another handful of popcorn into my cheeks, and forgetting to chew as Mihawk stabbed Zoro in the chest, the kernels falling from my mouth.

The final blow was delivered with Mihawk's Kokutou. I momentarily wondered if anyone could make defeat look more badass than Roronoa Zoro. Nethertheless, senpai calls and I dove into the sea along with the two swordsmen, being the first to reach my senpai and drag him to the boat, as was my honorable duty. I gently caressed his odd wasabi green hair, tears running down my nose accompanied with drips of salt water that splattered on his face.

"I SWEAR! UNTIL THE DAY I FIGHT HIM AND WIN… I SWEAR! TO NEVER LOSE AGAIN! ANY PROBLEMS, PIRATE KING!?"

I closed my eyes as Zoro made his speech, listening to his vow to never again be defeated as the two swordsmen worked on his wounds.

"Notes?"

The word was barely a whisper. I let out a noise. Something between a hiccup and a sob. A sob-cup, if you will.

"You got your ass handed to you with a needle," I sob-cupped, trying to stop my skipping breaths. "Thank Roger you're just too stubborn to die."

"The thought of losing never crossed my mind, but you knew all along. You know more than you let on, don't you?" My eyes flew open, coming to view the face of a half-dead and goddamn smirking Zoro, despite the fact he was so close to death he was practically subject to a lawsuit from Brook. "Must be crazier than I first thought if you still tagged along."

"I try," I laughed, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, well, you're not done here. Get your ass back on that boat and make mousse or whatever the hell you've been doing over the past few days," Zoro muttered.

"What about you?" I frowned.

In response, all I got were soft snores as the man fell asleep in front of my very eyes, a bubble forming at his nose.

"Aye-aye, senpai. Although these men might not thank you for this," I smirked, shaking my head as a shadow obscured my eyes, "'cus I don't feel in the mood for mercy today."

"The kitchen-hands gone crazy!"

"We've made a monster!"

I had no idea what they were talking about as I doused someone in rum and proceeded to flambé them to achieve the perfect caramelization of my victim before turning the spit roast to ensure even cooking of three others. Making skewers and dicing had just gotten so boring after a while.

"The hell are you doing?" a man asked me, my eyes shimmering in glee as I looked at his five iron shields with pearl's at their centre.

"Oh boy, target practise!"

I let the knives I had accumulated from the kitchen fly from my hand, striking him in the four smaller targets at his hands and feet.

"Did you think that could hurt me? My defence is absolute," my target declared.

"Shush, target-man," I instructed, going to my belt to pull out another knife for the centre before realising I was all out. "Eh, don't suppose you could chuck me a knife?"

I blinked as five men hit my target, Sanji holding out a knife to me.

"As you so desire, my beautiful blossom," Sanji beamed, his eyes taking on the form of hearts as I took the knife he offered, before looking over my shoulders.

"Who are you talking to?" I stage whispered, cupping my hand to my mouth.

"You, my delicate daffodil," Sanji beamed, taking my hand and bending down on one knee. "Your obliviousness to your beauty is intoxicating."

"Oooh," I nodded, pointing to the human target who was watching our interaction with curiosity. "So you're into him? Well, why didn't you say so?"

I giggled, watching as Sanji's mouth dropped to the floor, his one eye twitching. The target himself seemed to be blushing.

"Well don't let me get in the way of true love, silly," I beamed, picking Sanji up by his suit and drawing him backwards. "Go get him!"

That was when I sent Sanji flying towards the blushing man, clapping my hands together before beaming at the chef on the floor.

"Young love! So…" I cut off, arms flying about like noodles as I remembered something of great importance. "Ahh, I left my spit unattended!"

It was too late for my spit roast, but I suppose that's what I deserved. I was a baker, not a chef after all. However, I wasn't too upset because my attention was drawn to a scene that had me wiping away a tear from my eye.

"Ahh, the fiery flames of true love are indeed a beautiful sight!" I announced, my hands clasped together as I brought them to one cheek, Luffy running past me with his but on fire. Again.

"Would you stop saying that!" Sanji yelled at me, teeth sharp as he looked back towards his opponent/love interest.

I just cackled, sweating buckets as the flames built up on deck, using the floor like kindling.

"Geez, even I can't handle these mighty flames of love," I sweat-dropped, diving into the ocean to emerge amongst Don Krieg's men.

"Hey, it's that girl!"

"Get her."

I dunked one of the men that came for me, diving under the currents of those that doggy piled me before re-emerging and shoving a tidal wave of water to make the others snort and splutter. My face darkened as I got a glorious idea.

"Hey Luffy!" I yelled, causing the boy to blink at me. "Water fight!"

I swept an arm across the water, generating a large wave that crashed into the flaming surface and doused the flames. I grinned, pleased with my work before I realised that Luffy was now soaking wet with sea water.

"Luffy, I warned you for a reason!" I screamed at him, tongue striking out like a viper.

The boy just shrugged, staring after Don Krieg's subordinate as he pointed a gun to Zeff's head. Apparently he wasn't too concerned to be hit with his one weakness during a fight. I could see why when he started smashing the deck apart regardless of the whole incident. That was when shit got real and I cracked out an old favourite of mine, fight notes:

- Gin is both a great name (how did I even forget it?) and a delicious drink - he fights with balls *snicker*.

- Luffy's monkey impression needs serious work.

We interrupt this fight notes to bring you urgent panic as biological fucking weaponry is introduced to one piece. Here is a word from our sponsors:

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I flapped, diving into the depths and hoping I could hold my breath long enough.

I mean the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody should be enough, right?

It seemed to be because when I re-emerged I didn't seem to be dying like poor Gin was. Luffy sure as hell was pissed, so it wasn't long before Don Krieg K.O-ed, like, four times. The fight was epic, but Holy Roger, Don Krieg was the goddamn king of guess-who's-back-bitch. I shook my head, swimming over to where Luffy had fallen into the sea as I dove to retrieve him. Bursting out of the water, I came across Sanji struggling to pull his shoe off like a damn flamingo.

"Just take your time. It's not like Captain could be drowning at this very moment," I grinned, passing Luffy over to him before pushing myself back onto the decking.

I watched as Sanji's eyes raked over my dripping form, clutching his nose with a hand which soon dripped with blood.

"Now, now. That's hardly appropriate," I told him with a pat on the back. "At least ask the target-man on a date before thinking such dirty thoughts about him."

I swear, Brook was making a killing with the amount of exorcisms happening today.

A/N: Ahh, so I don't think the last chapter was really up to scratch, but I really like this one so hopefully you'll enjoy it a bit more - I mean Mihawk and cookies, who doesn't like that? Also next Chapter Eve is going to make a life-long friend. I'm so EXCITED!