Lights

As light filled the limo, my eyes adjusted. Outside the door was a red carpet leading to a large extravagant building that was beyond any description, and on the left of the read carpet was the paparazzi, not as many as would be at a movie premeire, but still alot of camera flashes. Alot of lights. Alex nudged me and pointed at her face, indicating the need to smile, as she also motioned me out of the car. I tried not wobble on my tired legs as I stepped out, a 12 hour shift in the ER causes some problems with drowsiness. The cameras turned towards me as Alex guided me through the flashes, telling me where to stand, when to pose, when to stop, when to move on. After 5 minutes of navigating only the 20 foot carpet I made it to climbing the steps to enter the room. A man in a suit and tie guided me towards me seat.

The red velvet was nice as I sat down, the room was dim as people were everywhere. Alex was on one side of me, the other being empty. As I sat and thought about the camera flashes, I thought back to my flashes, my story. It was unrealistic that any one would believe that camera flashes were cars wasn't it? That's a stupid story plot, I need to do better. Anyone with any intelligence would be able to tell the difference. I pulled my black bag from Alex so I could retrieve my small journal and a pen, a set I never left home without. I scribbled out the story idea at the top of my current page, the camera idea. "Photos" was written in a large cursive font at the top of the page, my current work. I had to get a rough draft into my publisher by the end of the year, it's November. I scribbled down some thoughts.

'A- actress who sees a paparazzi a little to commonly'

'B- a teen girl notices a older man who keeps appearing in her life.'

"Put that away, we're starting." Alex said as she grabbed the bag and stuffed the items into the wrong pocket of my bag. I took it before replacing them neatly into the proper pocket. The lights dimmed even more as a man in a suit and a woman in a long red dress came on stage.

"Welcome authors, this is the Annual National book awards.."

I began to zone out looking around, my hand ached to hold a pen and write my thoughts. My skin crawled as even in this room of hundreds of people I felt eyes on me, directly on me. I turned me head slowly, Alex was still tuned in directly on the speakers, along with most of the other viewers, A few heads were turning, but no one was directly focused on me as far as I could tell, still the feeling remained as I tried to relax into the seat. But as I began to, Alex nudged me, then nodded her head at the speakers.

"And the national book award for fiction novel is, Stones Thrown by Elizabeth Sheppard." Applause extended around me, why didn't she tell me? She had to have known this, winners give speeches, I don't have a speech. My heart beat was racing, my head began to throb as I shakily stood up, Alex slipped a set of note cards into my hands. She must have written my speech. I walked as normally as I could to the stage, my heart was in my throat. My heels clicked across the stage as the clapping died down. The man handed me the award and I noticed my book on the podium below the mic. Only my second novel had won the National Book Award. This is why Alex was so high strung today. I shakily shook his hand then faced the crowd with a smile.

The lights glared into my eyes and made me squint as they adjusted. People clapped again as I placed the book upright on the podium. The cover wasn't the original, I didn't like it. The red of the cover contrasted with the dark and gloomy type of book it was. I looked back up, then eyed the top note card.

"Fellow authors, thank you for giving me the chance to be up here today, this journey-" I began to read the note card before I stopped myself, "I'm sorry, my biggest supporter and best friend wrote for my speech, but it feels disingenuos to read someone else's words, I am a writer after all. I'm all about my own words. I didn't know I'd be up here tonight so, bare with me as I attempt to ramble through this speech. This industry is tough. I tried to get my first book published when I was 15. I got my first book published when I was 17. In the two years, I submitted 7 different novels to 12 different publishers each. They were all rejected. I was writing for the world, what I thought they wanted. By this time Alex was 19 and already an agent in the industry. She told me to stop that. She told me to write for me, so I did. I wrote the story that I needed when I was 12. And "Sex Talks" was born. As many know, I'm a lesbian, and for those that didn't, well hello, I'm gay. I grew up in a homophobic family, I didn't even know girls COULD like girls, I thought I was a glitch in the system, a mistake, broken. I had never seen or heard anything about gay people by this point in my life, but when I was 13 I watched a man come out, and I knew gay people existed. When I asked my preist he told me it was a sin. Yes, I know the book that won tonight is 'Stones Thrown', trust me I'll get there. I thought I was a sinner, I was deserving of death, and I had no idea what the LGBT community was. I was exposed to the community at age 14, on the internet. And then a year later, I was in the girls locker room after swim practice, it was just me and a fellow swimmer. We were talking not ready to leave yet, and I don't know if it was because we were alone, and mostly naked or what, but she kissed me. And of course, my sister walked in. 'Elizabeth hurry up' she was saying but then she saw us. She ran out of the locker room, and I grabbed my bag and rushed after her to the car. I was shaking. I wasn't even changed yet. She told mom and dad that night. They kicked me out. With the little phone battery I had left I called the girl from the locker room, and I stayed with her. Shhe introduced me to pride, and the other parts of the community. And 'Sex Talks' follows that story, a scared young girls adventure into the true depths of human sexuality and finally finding acceptance. So 2 months later when it was published I cried. I called my mom she didn't answer. I called my dad, by this time they were divorced, he picked up. He told me he'd preorder a copy, it was the least he could do. I never returned home and I guess he regretted it. A month later he read the copy he recieved. He called me crying. We made up and he had me sign his book. Then 2 weeks later, I was notified I won my first award, I cried again, cause I'm a wimp obviously. But something was working, this writing for me thing was working. So I followed a girl who hoped to rekindle her strained relationship with her parents with a 'Stones Thrown'. My first books dedication reads, 'To the people who helped me through the toughest time of my life' and the story begins 'I was alone'. Now although both of my novels are stand alone novels I'd like to recognize the differences through the two, cause I like to believe my characters are apart of me, and their growth, is my growth. This novel's dedication is 'To my father, to my friends, and even to my mother.' In the writing of my first novel I was so hurt by the actions of my parents I ignored their influences completely. Now in the second book, 'to my father' is obviously, to the man who inspired this book. The reason I wrote it. To my friends, well they helped me get to where I am. But to my mother? Why would I dedicate someting to her? Me and her have still not spoken. But I do have to acknowledge all that she's done for me. She did raise me, well at least until I was 15. She did feed me and clothe me for 15. And I do love her, despite her ignorance. Her influence on me was what inspired 'Sex Talks'. What inspired me to write. I needed to bring exposure to as many people as I can, and for that I thank her. I'm rambling aren't I? Let's refocus back on to why I'm up here. My amazing readers, the magnificent fellow authors, and my whole wonderful team. Thank you for putting me here, behind this podium tonight. I'm only 19, this is only my second book. But through all your love, I have achieved even more than I had ever dreamed of. And for this, I would like to give back. I apologize to my financial team when the hear this. Prior to this award, 10% of profits went to The LGBT foundation, but now, to give back for such wonderful publicity, and such an amazing loyal fan base. 100% of profits will go to the charity. We have raised over a million prior to this, let's keep up the good work. Thank you all, I can not express how truly greatful I am for this honor, and I am so excited for January, when I will be announcing on my charity live stream, my new book to be released the following year."

I stepped back from the podium and bowed, before shaking my head, that's not what I'm supposed to do. I adjusted, curtsied, and grabbed the award, posing for the photographers, hoping my tears from my speech didn't mess up my makeup as I gave the most natural smile as I could muster, and as I left the stage the speakers returned. The audience looked back to the stage, and the feeling returned when I sunk back into my seat.

Someone was watching me.