Chapter Nine

Belle Callahan smoothed her hair and sighed. She looked up from her dainty but useless embroidery. "It's such a pity James left early," she remarked in genuine sorrow. "Boston is just so frightfully interesting. But I suppose to James business is just as important too." She returned her attention to her embroidery.

Victoria looked up from her book and closed it, well-aware that there was no point in trying to read a book when Belle had started to talk. Her smile was stilted. "Yes, I suppose business is important. James was never one to shirk his responsibilities." She placed a hand over her book as an anchor.

Marshall picked up his tea, crossing his legs. "Mother, you need not worry about James," he reminded mildly. "James is a grown man now."

"Of course," Belle agreed, sighing. "But he shall always be my little boy." She looked at Victoria significantly. "He hasn't said anything to you, has he?"

Victoria was seated with her ankles crossed. She lowered her eyes for a moment before answering. "No, he hasn't said... anything to me," she answered politely, hesitating just a little.

Belle sighed mournfully, glancing at the clock. She looked up from her embroidery again. "Well... I thought that he might have... well, more's the pity." She rose from her chair, causing Victoria and Marshall to rise as well. She waved a hand delicately. "I think that I will take my afternoon nap now." She lifted her cheek so that Marshall and then Victoria could kiss it.

After Belle left the room, Victoria placed her cold tea cup and its saucer on the table next to her. She rose from her seat and walked to the French windows. She paused there, gazing outward. "You know."

Marshall nodded slowly, watching Victoria. "Yes, James told me."

Victoria sighed, turning only her head. "You were right. I'm sorry it had come down to this. I didn't want it to be this way. Again, my apologies." Her hands touched the delicate chiffon curtains.

"James told me what you said," Marshall remarked quietly. He scrutinized her. "You're not in love with another?"

"No, no of course not," Victoria lied. "James, or at least I thought, could be the only one for me." She turned the upper half of her body. "Oh, Marshall, I honestly thought I could love your brother. God knows I tried. But when he proposed, I realized so much, and I just knew that I couldn't marry him."

"You know that he was very devoted to you..." Marshall broke off.

"Do you think that I did not know that?" Victoria asked passionately. "Do you think I'm a fool? Of course I knew that, Marshall. And I clung on to the dream that I could be his wife and be devoted to the idea of us. But in the end, that didn't work, Marshall. There cannot be any us."

Victoria turned and faced Marshall fully. "Do you know that I thought that I fancied you for a moment during the summer? I did, you know. I also knew that if I fancied you, I could not love James. I struggled with myself on that one. When I returned back home, I realized that I wanted James, and not you." She stopped abruptly, wrapping her arms around her upper body. "Now I want neither," she remarked with laughter. But it stopped almost as quickly as it had started. "I know that you're in love with me, Marshall. I'm sorry."

Marshall looked up, surprised. "How did you know?" he asked hoarsely.

"James and others hinted at such," Victoria answered honestly. "It seems I've broken your heart too. I didn't know I had such evil powers. I never wanted to refuse James' proposal the way I did a few nights ago. But I had no choice. There was nothing else I could do."

"Oh, I could have made James happy," Victoria reflected. "But I wouldn't have been happy with James. I would have tried to be happy, but it wouldn't be a real happiness, Marshall." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Forgive me. I'm rambling on."

Marshall walked to Victoria. "I was rude to you that day, Victoria. I'm sorry. I had no idea that..."

Victoria smiled. "I know. You don't need to say more. I understand. I just hope you understand my reasons."

Marshall nodded. "Yes, I do." He leaned over and kissed Victoria on the cheek. "Good-bye, Victoria. You've been good for both my brother and myself in spite of what you think."

Victoria took a deep breath and forced a small smile. "Thank you. Good-bye, Marshall." She pulled away from him and walked out of the room.

Grace looked through the samples of cloth and glanced up at her daughter, a faint smile touching her tired face. She had not seen Serena so completely enamored and so happy since... Grace sighed inwardly. Not since her father passed away, she finished mournfully. Peter understood her better than I, she thought, shaking her head. Oh, I wonder sometimes... if I did do the right thing in starting over here... she stopped thinking and glanced at her daughter and closed her eyes. Yes, I did do the right thing, she affirmed to herself, pressing her hands on her stomach.

Serena glanced at her mother as she looked up from her embroidery. "Mother, is something wrong?" she asked almost kindly.

Grace opened her eyes and shook her head. "I was thinking...when would you like your engagement party to be, Serena?"

Serena had her hands wrapped around her knee, looking thoughtful. "Could we have it in two weeks? Steven's family..."

Grace nodded briefly. "Fine. I'll start the preparations. But I do hope you are going to help me."

Serena laughed gaily. "Of course I am," she answered, glancing at the clock. She stood up and kissed her mother. "I have to go somewhere for a visit, mother. I'll be back in no time."

Grace smiled affectionately at her daughter, watching her daughter's lithe figure dance as she left the room. Grace turned to Victoria. "You've been silent these past days," she remarked.

"Yes, I suppose I have been silent," Victoria agreed, closing her book.

Grace put away her book of cloth samples and picked up her knitting basket. She started to click the needles. "Where are your parents today?"

Victoria smiled. "I suppose they are out enjoying the cold. I believe mother wanted to go to town and father went, grudgingly."

Grace smiled in return. "Gilbert never liked buying things. But I believe the war changed that."

"The war changed many things, Aunt Grace," Victoria remarked. "Even our family."

Grace stopped knitting for a moment. "Yes, Serena's father died." She sat up straighter after a moment and busily started knitting again. "Yet we must all go on, Victoria. There is no point in mourning over something that is gone."

Victoria put her book down on the floor and walked to the windows. With her back turned to Grace, she placed one hand on the window latch. "Did life scare you after Uncle Peter died?" Victoria asked quietly.

Grace was silent for a moment. "I suppose it did." She lowered her eyelids. "I loved your Uncle Peter very much."

"Yes, I realized that. My parents love each other very much also," Victoria said quietly, her eyes taking on a confused expression.

Grace nodded, smiling reminiscently. "Your father had a difficult time persuading your mother to marry him, but he managed." She paused, studying her niece's back. "Are you afraid of love, darling?"

Victoria did not answer. "I don't mean to pry, dear, but why did James leave so abruptly after the ball? Did something really go wrong in New York or was it between you two?" Grace asked slowly.

"How perceptive you are, Aunt Grace," Victoria answered wryly.

Grace shook her head. "I'm not a perceptive person, Victoria. But the idea of James leaving so soon without reason... it's incomprehensible. Something did go wrong then, didn't it?"

Victoria folded and unfolded her hands. "Everything went wrong, Aunt Grace," she replied softly. "Everything."

Grace put away her knitting basket and rose from her chair. Silently, she placed her hands on her niece's shoulders in an understanding and comforting fashion. "Did you tell your father?"

Victoria put her head down and glanced at her aunt. "I tried to, Aunt Grace. But I couldn't tell him anything at all."

Grace nodded. "There are some things only a mother can understand, no matter how much you love your father and no matter how understanding and dear he is."

Victoria laughed bitterly. "Mother and... I, we barely talk to each other everyday."

"Yes, yes, I know that, darling," Grace said softly. "But do tell me what happened. I cannot bear to see you torment yourself like this."

Victoria tangled her hands together. "James proposed to me right after Serena and Steven announced their engagement. I knew he was going to ask me sometime during his stay here but I didn't think it would be so soon. I wasn't prepared to refuse him, and I probably hurt him more than I wanted to."

Grace shook her head sympathetically. "Victoria, you can't be prepared for everything in life."

Victoria bit her lips and crossed her arms across her chest. "I think I said too much, Aunt Grace. I had meant to keep my refusal short and simple, but I couldn't. I kept on repeating myself and... saying things that I knew would hurt him." She turned around and held out her hands, palms up. "But I felt that I owed him an explanation. I couldn't refuse him without telling him why because I used him so brutally. And I told him so." She turned around, placing the palms of her hands on the window sill.

Grace looked thoughtful. "You're not a heartless creature."

"Oh, but I am," Victoria objected passionately. "I could have told James long ago that I couldn't love him. But I fooled myself. I honestly thought, like I told James, that I could love him. I tried so hard, Aunt Grace," she said with tears in her eyes. "But this time it didn't work."

Victoria turned and started crying on Grace's shoulder. In a motherly fashion, Grace wrapped her arms around Victoria. Oh, Guenevere, she thought, closing her eyes. Oh dear, where are you?

"Time will heal the pains in your heart," Victoria read later that night. She traced the words on the page and left her finger there.

Victoria looked up from her book. You've hurt James more than you wanted to. But the refusal didn't hurt him. It was the deception. You mocked Amanda for being deceptive. Now you are doing the same, she thought critically.

Victoria sighed, placing a birch twig in the book and closing it. She placed it upon the nightstand and turned out the light. I suppose Amanda's probably laughing at me from her grave for being a hypocrite, she thought sorrowfully in the dark. And she has every right to, she defended of Amanda's supposed thoughts. I thought I was different from Amanda. I thought I was not false. But you are, a little voice said in her. Victoria shook her head. She sighed, closing her eyes. Forget James, forget everything that had to do with him.

But then that's illogical. You can't forget James. He was a person, a being in your life. Victoria looked thoughtful for a moment. But then again, you won't ever be happy if you don't.