Alone

They said Jack was suspended for getting caught in a fight with delinquents from another school. This explains why he wasn't here. This is good news for me, atleast i'm spared from getting beaten up too much for a few days.

While i was just studying, Christa crossed my mind. I wondered if i can see her again today. Will she talk to me just like before? Or... or did she forget about me?

What if she actually did?

It made me feel a bit sad. As break time came, i bought bread and went to the place where Christa and i met.

To my surprise, she was there playing her guitar. And she was singing too. Her voice amazed me.

"...I'm so selfish, but you make me feel helpless, yeah. And I can't stand another day." She seemed a bit sad when she was singing, so i kinda hid myself while listening to her. "I just wanna make you feel okay. But all you do is look the other way... i kinda wish you were gay."

Eh?

Her singing stopped then i started hearing some sobs. I hesitated to approach her, but in the end, i showed myself to her. "C-Christa?"

"Huh!?" She also stopped crying as she saw me. I guess she panicked getting seen crying. "I-I'm sorry! But i can't help but worry, you were crying."

Wiping her eyes, i offered my handkerchief. And i'm glad she accepted it. "... y-you were the guy i met here the other day, right?" She asked.

"Uh, yeah." I'm glad she remembered!

"What was it? Uhm, Kean?"

"Yeah."

"What are you doing here?" She asked and looked at her wrist watch. "Well, i wanted to eat my food here but you were here so..."

"Oh, i'm sorry. You can have this place now." Why does it feel like this? The day we met, she was really nice and friendly... but now she acts so cold. When she was about to leave, she gave a quick glance at me and left.

That's it?

Not that i was expecting something but---who am i kidding. I really got my hopes up when i saw her. I thought i can really be friends with her.

Expectations really don't happen. I felt ashamed of myself assuming that i finally had someone to talk to or to lean on. Maybe i was really made to be alone.

How do you even get friends anyway?

What do you even do with a friend?

What is a friend?

I'll never find an answer to those questions. Right now, i feel like i was just too stupid to think all those. It's so ridiculous, a person like me to have friends?

I'm pathetic, a loser, i'm weak, disgusting, ugly... i...

My eyes started to blur with the tears i refused to let go. I don't want to cry.

"Aren't you supposed to be used to this?" I asked myself and wiped my eyes.

I left the place and ate my food at the classroom alone.

- to be continued