Memories

"Ah… everything looks so peaceful from up here."

I took in a deep breath. Was it because I was in a pretty high place? It felt like the air was cleaner and that the smoke couldn't reach me.

"My life wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either. I wonder what kind of audacity I have to give up just because of that?"

I laughed lightly. But, despite my self-deprecating words, the smile on my face was the brightest one I've ever had. For once, something in my life would become unknown. I wouldn't be able to see the worst outcome, just an uncertain future.

And all I need to do… is close my eyes and let go.

My hands holding onto the rails and supporting my body felt so strong that I could probably hold onto them for a few more hours. Yet, I didn't want to at all.

"I'm going on a trip, yeah… A trip to the unknown!"

I looked up into the sky and laughed loudly. There were tears in my eyes from my laughter. It was the only laugh I've had that came from the bottom of my heart in ages.

But soon, my tears of joy became that of sadness.

"If things had gone down a different path, would I not be here today?"

Maybe it was because I was alone, or maybe it was because I felt like I had reached the top of the world, I felt very philosophical today. Not like I was any good at saying any lines of inspiration.

I looked down at the ground which seemed so far. It took me a while to get up here but it would only take a few seconds to get down. I could see people gathering into a crowd in the distance. Could they have spotted me?

"Haa… I guess that's enough for reminiscing. I wouldn't want people to come up here to try and rescue me after all."

I loosened my grip on the rails but felt my hands steadily holding on.

"Hahaha! You're saying that even after going this far, I'm still scared?"

I kept trying over and over but my hands wouldn't loosen one bit. In the end, I had to turn around. If I was unable to see what was about to happen, wouldn't it be easier? It's the same way people close their eyes before seeing anything traumatizing.

I continued to hold onto the rails while actively trying to get rid of my fears. I convinced myself about many things I didn't believe in, but, is it because of the absurdity of this situation? Those made-up words seem so real.

Maybe I really will become a new person in my next life? Maybe there'll be people who rescue me once I fall down? Maybe a divine being would really stop my descent and give me a second chance in this life? Maybe…

As my mind was assaulted with thoughts about the uncertainties, the door burst open and I saw a bunch of firemen.

Was it because of surprise that the door was broken down or was it because I had finished contemplating? My resolve was completed and my hands let go of the newly painted rails. I'm sorry that you're going to have to be touched by a man who chose to end his life.

I saw the firemen's looks of shock as I closed my eyes and I entrusted my body to gravity.

The air felt cool and my body felt like it was floating in water—it felt nice.

I tried to open my eyes but the wind was too much to bear. I should've worn those goggles I bought a few years back. Now that I think about it, why did I buy them in the first place?

"Huh? My memory seems a bit spotty…"

I heard that it would only take a few seconds for me to fall but it felt like minutes.

Ah, right… I wanted to go on a pool date with that girl I asked out in the bar… Well, it ended up being a major disaster and we never contacted each other again. Maybe I should've tried to make up for it.

But then again, I remember fighting with my friend and when I tried to take the initiative to apologize, it ended up getting worse and we became estranged.

Speaking of estranged… maybe I should've talked to my father at least once before I did all this. He was just as upset with mother's death as much as me yet I one-sidedly threw the blame onto him.

Well, he might've just disregarded me.

I laughed.

Memories started pouring in, ones that I had already forgotten and ones I had treasured. They all flashed before my eyes as if I was watching a film reel of the past. There wasn't any color and there wasn't any sound, but I could tell what was happening.

Tears started welling in my eyes as I relived everything.

My first friend, my first love, my first medal, my first graduation, my first car, my first apartment, my first party, my first failing grade, my last graduation, my first job and my last job…

I had a lot of firsts and some lasts, and I would've had many more, even when I'm already at this age. But, now that I've committed to this path, I won't have anymore firsts. I would only have my lasts.

My last breakfast, my last trip, my last conversation, my last phone, my last…

More and more tears started welling up in my eyes. If I had enough time, then maybe they would've dripped from my face. But I knew the truth. To me, it just felt like everything was moving so slowly. The many thoughts I've had, the many memories I've seen, and the many sights I've imagined all lasted only an instant to others.

I couldn't hear any sounds nor could I make out anything in my surroundings as everything was a blur.

All that's left for me is… regret and relief. It felt like I was released from a huge burden but at the same time, what if I persisted just a little bit longer? Would I have been able to change? Would I have been able to turn my life around to something more meaningful? One that I wouldn't have qualms about living.

Maybe I would've found my true calling and opened up my own shop, maybe I could've found a girlfriend and become her husband eventually, maybe I could've had kids that could inherit my shop in the future, maybe I'd have died in a casket enveloped by a warm atmosphere of people I've loved.

In the end, those 'possibilities' became nothing but possibilities. I took the path that divulged me from them. I would no longer be able to do any of the things I wanted.

Relief… because I would no longer be burdened by everything that has happened to me thus far. Relief because I no longer have to make choices to decide where I have to go in the future. Relief because all that's left to do is to entrust myself to gravity and stop thinking about what could've been but rather, what can be. Everything that starts has to have an end, a word starts a sentence and ends with a period, a book starts from the cover and ends with the last page, a story ends with an introduction and finishes with a climax.

It just so happened that the end of my story was here.

And that sprung my regret.

Regret that I would longer be able to make choices to define my future, ones that could potentially make everything for the better. Regret that I would no longer feel the satisfaction of making the right choice in the most dire situations. Regret that I had entrusted myself to this path and was locked in, there's no undoing what I've done. Everything that starts has to have an end, but did I really want this kind of end for my story? A sentence ends with a period but couldn't I make another sentence and start a paragraph? A book starts from the cover and ends with the last page, but couldn't the book have a sequel? A story starts with an introduction and ends with the climax but couldn't there be an epilogue?

It was regretful that my story has to end here. Had I been transported just a minute into the past, I would've made a different choice. I shouldn't have locked into a path that would no longer allow me to make my own decisions.

But… What do people call this? Hindsight?

To only know the better option after choosing the worse of the two is one thing that many people have in common. It just so happens that I chose the worse option many times and it ended up with me here.

I began hearing sound again, the whistling of the wind and the ruffling of my clothes. The blurry scene surrounding me slowly became more vivid with colors. And the screams of the people around me could be heard.

Ah… I should've lived a better life…

That was the last thought I had.