Chapter 46: Nuvole Bianche
The bright burning colors slowly emerged from Light's back as he seemingly looked down after his lengthy talk.. The colors seemed to be alive as they joyously floated in the thin air into Stellar's personal space, invading it- then the colors slowly moved closer and closer to her as it approached....
'No... I don't want to touch it. My dullness will just make them ugly.... I am dead inside and they are so... alive that they invite me to touch them- but I can't- because all my life, I just destroyed everything and I don't want to destroy the beautiful and bright colors of Light.' she thought but a warm liquid started dripping on her hands that were on her lap.
"Tears?"
' Why are my eyes wet? Why are they tearing continuously? Does this dripping water really comes out from my eye- are they defective or broken?' Stellar thought and felt her eyes- they were wet and there was no mistake that the tears were coming from them. 'I am broken so my eyes might just be like me... I- my heartbeats are beating so rapid and I am not even doing anything... What is happening to me? What is this feeling..... '
She had been staring towards the bright floating colors for quite some time now and she still felt their inviting presence- the colors were beautiful-- and she felt immersed by their presence--with that, her arms felt somehow aberrant that it slowly lifted itself to the level of one yellow-colored ball and it appeared like she doesn't have control of it- but the weirdest thing is that even though she did not like to touch them, she somehow felt herself surrendering to their intensely inviting presence...
Her hands drew nearer...
And nearer...
Like everything was in a slow motion and all she can hear was her heavy breathing and her rapid heartbeat. There was no sign of resistance in her body and mind as her hand approached the ball of amazing color floating before her... And behind the yellow one were various colors like rosequartz, serenity, greens, blues, reds, and many more! It feel like she was seeing colors for the first time in her life.
The colors were too beautiful she could almost hear them.
Her hand was a needle-length farther to the color when she had thoughts on what will happen if she touched it but the amazing and bright colors of different shapes and sizes seemed to tell her that it was alright and extended her reach more and when she finally touched it, a blinding light of various colors surrounded the all green clinic she was at.
And she touched the lights and was blinded by it.
The enormous light was too much for her to handle because her ocean blue eyes are too sensitive towards light and seeing that light had made it twich a lot.
It was after a while when she finally managed to open her eyes with the thought of thanking Light with what he had done but she saw herself standing on the middle of an endless green meadow with tall, green grasses. She looked at her left and she saw tall, healthy trees, long grasses and beautiful differently-colored flowers swaying so gracefully under the command and beat of the whirling, cool wind embracing her from all distances.
She noticed the sound of continuously flowing water from a distance and when she looked at her right, she saw a clean, pristine stream flowing endlessly where the animals gathered and drank. She looked above and saw a flock of birds of different kinds freely flying across the blue sky above... And the sun's heat kissed her skin while the wind caressed her very soul that gave her chills.
Her favorite music, entitled Nuvole Bianche composed by Ludovico Einaudi started playing in her mind so loudly that she started swaying, then beautiful butterflies suddenly came near her as she did.
She extended her arms and imagined the steps of the song she always tended to play whenever she was alone and she enacted the movements as she had imagined them. She reached up the skies, hugged herself, and went in circles as she danced. She felt the breeze of the cool wind that reminded her of a certain person's coldness and she enjoyed it's touch. Like the trees that swayed, she danced and danced like it was her first and last performance with only the beautiful animals and insects as her audience. How long has it been since she last stood up on a stage? How long has it been since she last danced her heart out? It had been a while--it had been more than a year when she last danced freely. The playing in her head became louder that she started to actually hear it on the wind and the streams of water.
"This is probably a dream... What a nice dream..." she told herself and hummed the beautiful notes of the song she had loved all her life. She was surprised to hear her own voice because she didn't become voiceless after all- after she started losing her love for her passion.
She performed the song exactly as how she remembered it from her last performance on the huge stage abroad. She still remembered everything - every step, the emotion of the song- the feeling of happiness as she danced- and she missed the stage--she missed everything--herself--and doing all the things she loved that she surrendered.
She turned and reached the heavens and she danced- and she noticed that she went to the stream and she saw herself after almost a year of not seeing her reflection..
She was astound to see herself again. She was astound that she was able to look at the eyes of the monster she and her sister hated. She still had the blue eyes that looked exactly like her sister's--but her hair was uncombed and ugly. She scooped water from the stream and arranged her hair that was curly again. She straightened them the last time she looked into the mirror because of disgust and hate she felt for herself and she felt comfort to see her hair again even if it looked damaged. She washed her face with the cold water on the stream and she looked thoroughly at her face.
She never knew that she could still feel the weird feeling she longed for so long. She never knew that it could be reflected on her face.
She looked genuinely happy. She looked like her unbroken self who lived many years ago and that painted a smile on her face. She was still there inside her, hanging on.
She stared at the beautiful person smiling wide in front of her as she diligently looked into the clean water. The reflection was smiling towards her even though tears were coming out her happy eyes... She never knew that she can look beautiful when she is happy... She doubted herself for a long time because she began to question if the person she saw on the stream was really the monster she and her sister dreaded for all the years?
She is beautiful when she is happy.
And the more she looked at it, the more she saw herself. She have dreaded the person she saw in the mirror because that reflection caused her sister's panic attacks and she had destroyed many relationships.
With her favorite song still playing inside her head, she combed her long brown hair using her fingers and picked numerous differently-colored flowers as the butterflies and grasshoppers surrounded her. She saw daffodils, gumamelas, and even forget-me-nots!
She created a crown out of the beautiful flowers she picked and wore it on her head. She remembered loving them when she was just a kid- where Polaris and her would create them and decorate their hairs with them to be beautiful just like their beautiful mama...
"My beloved mama... I have ruined her life and her family... I caused her to be away from us and Polaris to lose a mom...But... I am dreaming right now... I will deal with these thoughts later when I wake up... not now that I am here... I should cherish the time that I spend here."
She stood up after wearing the flower crown she just made, still hearing the song on loop inside her head and started moving.
She turned around and reached the high heavens, hoping that they could hear her sadness and her happiness, as well as her longing and begging for forgiveness for all the things she have done and all of which she destroyed. She swore to herself that she will dance until she gets worn out... until her soul leave her body... until the good heavens hear her plea... until Polaris could forgive her...
Until she could forgive herself...
The blazing azure sky started to pour torrents of rain but a rainbow started to show out of nowhere, making her realize that every color she saw emerging from Light has the color of the rainbow and mixed with Light's emotions.
"Light... Thank you.. Thank you...".