Chapter 5

Lily was seated in her apartment, her eyes filled with tears as she stared blankly out of the window, overwhelmed with shock. The events that had unfolded earlier still lingered in her mind, making her return home a daunting experience. Just the day before, her son had been bustling around the house, cooking meals and making noise. But now, the once lively space was eerily quiet, creating a sense of disorientation and unease for Lily. Not even Hedwig, the pet owl belonging to Harry, made a sound, adding to the heaviness of the silence that seemed to envelop her, leaving her lost in her own thoughts.

Attempting to make sense of her current situation, Lily felt as though her entire life was in chaos. Her work, which had once brought her fulfilment and purpose, now felt like a monotonous chore. The routines of her daily life had lost their significance, making her feel disconnected from the world around her. The very concept of her own existence seemed distant and uncertain, adding to her sense of isolation.

Consumed by a profound grief that penetrated every part of her, Lily was bombarded with unanswered questions that swirled in her mind. She struggled to understand why fate had chosen to take away James and her son, leaving her to carry the weight of their loss alone. The absence of her loved ones felt crushing, filling her with a sorrow that seemed to seep into her very soul. She felt engulfed in a sea of anguish, unable to find a way through the waves of despair that threatened to overwhelm her. The ache in her heart was overwhelming, making it seem as though grief could easily consume her at any moment, leaving her struggling for air in a sea of sorrow.

After she had cried uncontrollably, she slumped against the sturdy wooden door of Harry's closed bedroom, her hands clutching her tear-stained face as she attempted to regain her composure. Once the tears had stopped flowing, she summoned the courage to gently push open the door and cautiously peer inside the room.

Harry's bedroom was a minimalist space, adorned only with posters of his beloved Quidditch team and a Gryffindor banner. The room boasted a cosy bed adorned with a luxurious maroon blanket, a window draped in opulent velvet curtains, a solid wooden wardrobe, a cluttered desk with notebooks and quills, and his snowy owl perched peacefully on her cage, her head nestled under her wing. Despite the simplicity of the decor, the room emitted a warm and welcoming ambiance, decorated with mementos from Harry's time at Hogwarts, evoking a sense of comfort and familiarity akin to a second home for him.

With a slow, hesitant pace, Lily entered the room and made her way to the bed, where she gingerly lowered herself down. The desk directly across from her immediately caught her eye, with a picture frame prominently placed on top capturing a beautiful moment of her and James dancing joyfully in the park on their wedding day. This particular memory held a special place in her heart, bringing a smile to her face as she admired the photograph. The image sparked a flood of nostalgia, filling her mind with blissful memories from that unforgettable day.

While Lily continued to lose herself in the photograph, a sense of guilt and remorse began to creep in. Memories of a recent conversation resurfaced, reminding her of the regrettable incident where she had declined Harry's dance invitation in a chilly manner. In that moment of reflection, she realised that Harry must have seen the photograph—the only one placed on his desk—showcasing her dancing skills and potentially causing him hurt.

"Harry, I deeply regret my actions," Lily softly whispered, her tears gathering in her eyes as she felt an overwhelming remorse. "I'm truly sorry for what I have done."

Lily's red eyes were still moist with tears as she carefully examined Harry's belongings in his room. Her gaze landed on a leather journal sitting on his desk, a gift she had given him years ago. The journal had a velvet cover, with his initials elegantly embossed on it. With a deep sense of longing, she gingerly opened the cover and sat down on Harry's bed, feeling the soft fabric of the journal beneath her fingertips.

As she turned the pages of the journal, Lily was shocked to discover that it was filled with her son's most intimate thoughts and emotions, all penned in his distinct handwriting. Flipping through the pages at random, she noticed the dates scribbled in the corners of the entries. Her eyes lingered on an entry from when Harry was twelve years old, and she couldn't help but feel a rush of nostalgia and sorrow as she began to read, immersing herself in his past experiences.

When I was introduced to Ron's family for the first time, I was immediately struck by the genuine warmth and openness with which they interacted. Their communication was filled with love and care, creating an atmosphere that made me reflect on the lack of meaningful conversations I have with my own mother. Sadly, my mother seldom has the time to engage in deep conversations with me, and our interactions are usually limited to quick and perfunctory exchanges. While I understand her busyness, I couldn't help but feel envious of the deep connections and conversations I witnessed in Ron's family. I yearn for the day when my mother and I can share the kind of profound and fulfilling discussions that seem to come so naturally to others. I miss her greatly and hold onto the hope that one day we will have the chance to have those rich and heartfelt conversations.

The following entry in the journal was penned a month prior and recounted Harry's initial day back in London for the summer break.

Upon my return home, my first night was not as I had hoped. My mother expressed her disappointment in me, believing that I had not put enough effort into my schoolwork, which was untrue. She believed that I needed to be taught a lesson and assigned me additional chores and studying tasks, which I felt was unjust considering I had just completed a school year. Despite feeling disheartened, I understood her perspective. In an attempt to mend the situation, I took the initiative to prepare dinner that evening, despite my lack of culinary expertise. I hoped that my gesture would demonstrate my willingness to improve, even if the meal did not turn out perfectly.

The subsequent entry was written that morning, with the ink still fresh on the delicate pages, giving the impression it was just completed.

Even though it may be too early to lose all hope, I cannot ignore the growing distance between my mother and me. Our interactions have become strained, with her spending most of her time alone in her room and barely acknowledging my efforts to connect with her. I feel lost and unsure of how to bridge the gap between us. Feeling desperate for a solution, my friend Hermione suggested that I write a poem as a way to communicate with my mother. Initially, I was hesitant about the idea, but I eventually decided to give it a try. I hope that sharing this poem with my mother will help us reconnect, even though I fear she may not fully grasp its meaning. Despite the uncertainty, I remain optimistic that there will be a chance for us to mend our relationship. My mother has always been my pillar of strength and unwavering support, and I deeply miss our close bond. The longing to have her back in my life is beyond words.

As Lily diligently flipped through the journal, she made a startling discovery—the following pages were completely blank, lacking any traces of writing or illustrations. Intrigued and slightly unnerved, she couldn't resist the urge to investigate further. With a mixture of curiosity and a growing sense of unease, she carefully retrieved the hidden piece of paper tucked within the book's pages, her hands shaking slightly. Slowly unfurling the paper, a wave of excitement mingled with apprehension washed over her as she delved into the words written on it.

A MOTHER'S LOVE

By H.J.P

All the time I've been waiting

That you will see and know what I'm longing

Want to live a life that I'm yearning

Wake my senses and my world of dreaming

Since my life is in solitary

Wondering what if this would be

I'm with you but I didn't feel any

Mum, do you hear my heart's emissary?

You are my inspiration in everything I do

Even if it's hard to bear and I can't join the flow

But I felt you ignored those things, is it true?

Or you see my hardships but you didn't view?

I open my arms, as well as my heart

To receive the love bound from the start

But when I went close, you turned your back

I tried to run to you but lost my track

Mother, could you please say to me

That you love me unconditionally

That all my deeds even bad you'll embrace

And you'll forgive me with your willful grace

Can you utter those words I've wanted to hear?

Can I have those eyes looking at mine?

May I hold those warm hands to enfold my sighs?

May I see your lips giving me a smile?

I love you even when the blue sky is gone

I need you when the darkness comes

Long for your touch, your hug so tight

That would ease my fright in the middle of the night

You grant me life, endow a chance

You give me your flesh, your own blood

That's why I've cherished you since I was in your womb

And I'll treasure you 'till I am in a tomb

But you're miles away, it made me sad

I extend my arms to grasp the times we've had

With stream in my eyes, I kneeled and look above

Asking, could I know-how and feel a mother's love?

Reading the touching poem written by Harry left Lily feeling an intense wave of emotions that she struggled to contain. She held the notebook close to her chest, marvelling at the profound words that opened up a side of her son she had never before seen. It became apparent to her that writing served as Harry's means of expressing his thoughts and emotions, free from the fear of her judgement. Realising this, Lily was overcome with sorrow at the realisation that her lack of attentiveness had caused Harry considerable inner turmoil. She regretted not recognising his struggles sooner and wished she had intervened to offer him the support he needed to heal. The burden of guilt for her oversight and inaction weighed heavily on her, a burden she knew she would carry for the rest of her days.

Hedwig let out a gentle hoot as she observed Lily with her head tilted to one side, her eyes reflecting a profound sense of empathy and understanding towards Lily's feelings. This interaction showcased Hedwig's remarkable intuition and her ability to connect with Lily on a deeply emotional level.

Seating herself on Harry's bed, Lily found herself lost in contemplation, pondering over the ways in which she could have better shielded her son from harm. Consumed by regret and grief, she fought to hold back tears until the storm of emotions eventually ebbed away. Exhaustion loomed over her, casting a heavy weight on both her body and her mind, until finally she allowed herself to drift into sleep, seeking comfort in the temporary escape from her overwhelming emotions.