all i can do is cry

Im hurting, im in pain, my heart is in pain. But no one seems to know, no once seems to care.

i thought, i have done more than enough but why is it still not enough to them. if i get angry its my fault, if they're angry, it still my fault.

is it really me? what did i do? i have given all that i can but why in the end i feel like i was not needed at all.

i try to smile, i try to laugh i try not to feel dismayed that everything that's going on. my mind is a mess, i feel like something dying inside me this past few days.

i nagged because i care,

i debated because i care,

i get strict because i care,

but for them it is an annoying thing..

i care because i love them.

i love them because they're my family. i argue alot because im tired of not voicing my opinion for all these years.

but why i feel im the one whose fault, why am i do only one who's feeling suffocated on what's happening.

if they thought i just nagged, debate, argue or too strict, and thought it is because on my self satisfaction, im sorry its just that i care so much that i dont want them to be in a wrong path..

ive done many shame able things in my life, i had walks to a road to no return, im just afraid to afraid that one day they walked the same roads that i take. it was hard, painful road but im glad that i was able to see a sign to the correct one.

as i walk towards the light of changes, i slowly told my self i wont let them experience the things that i did. i became strict in a way i know that they can still breathe but it seems im too late to that.

im too late, since i see that i forgot they also grow the time i was learning from ny mistakes in life, they already spread there wings and flew away on my grasp.

i forgot i was no longer part,nah, im still part of their life but i maybe not that important to look back now. why would they? im a shameful person who pretended being good person but i am not..

i am not a good child, not a good sister.. i do bad things, things i regret so much. i feel i betrayed them, i feel i betrayed my self.

i want to to hear them say sorry and reflect to the wrong doing that they done to me, but why i was the one whose sorry to the wrong things that they did..

i am sorry, i am very sorry how many times do i have to say that. how many times do i have to prove things for them to believe me i am sorry, i am reflecting.. i feel wasted, exhausted, im tired.

will they cry if im gone, I don't want to say something like this but i always thinking, will they care, how long will they cry for me? how long will they remember me?. nah its not a dying note..

but sometimes i feel if, am i still Worth it for?

do i have a worth?

as i type the letters and try to let this emotions go, to put in words towards to what im thinking, i ask my self, does someone like me feel this?

my head hurts, my throat are dry, my eyes are swollen because of crying.

im alone in my room, typing all my pains and sorrows thinking if someone feels the same feelings that i had?

i decided that I don't wanna care, im too tired to do it, let it be.. for now all i can do is cry, hoping later tears will stop and a genuine happiness will follow..