Once up, once down

Kevin worked from home so I never worried about getting home on time. I worked inhumanely a lot and got promotions and salary increases shamelessly fast. I was satisfied with my life. I loved my sons, who were small clones of their father.

I was also a little jealous of the father-son relationship they had, as I saw them almost only at dinner, sometimes on holidays and weekends ... but not always. In return, it only cost them a word and I bought anything for them. In fact, I was a strict mother… because I gave a lot, but I also expected. I think in elementary school, an excellent certificate isn't such an unattainable goal yet, so I always interviewed them in the evenings, paying particular attention to their homework and preparing for the test with them on the weekends. Of course, it was the result I am proud of. The other thing that caused the rest of the family to rebel a bit is healthy eating. When I cooked, steamed vegetables, fish, grilled meat and salads were always on the table because healthy development requires not only vitamins but proper nutrition as well. The breakfast I packed couldn't miss whole breads, vegetables, or fruits either. The boys inherited almost nothing from me except the decaying teeth… so the chocolate and sugar was on a ban list and I also never got into fast food restaurants as who knows what they put in the cheeseburger.

Sure, my husband wasn't as strict as I was, he thought differently about these things, but when I was there he always cooperated, which didn't make much sense if he stuffed the kids with chips behind me, but it didn't matter. Every time I got home and they were watching a football game in their Liverpool jersey I saw chips or popcorn crumbs on the couch, but I pretended not to notice. I tried to please them with that, they were kids afterall ... sometimes a little bit of rule violation fits in. In light of all this, for the first 13 years of their lives, the boys were never sick and never had a single hole in their teeth. I think these facts also supported my upbringing principles.

Or not…

The weekend events were almost always open to civilians as well, so the boys always attended them as well. I listened many times to how they were overwhelmed by how good it was, how cool I was at work and how proud they were of me. These occasions gave me strength to survive that tremendous pressure at work. The words of my children filled me with energy. Unfortunately, the more money someone gets, the more they expect from it… 4 years ago, my stomach ached at times, which I later learned was caused by a lot of stress, irregular eating and a little sleep. Many times I considered resigning because the time I spent with my sons was more valuable, but the boys were 9 years old at the time. 9-year-olds can no longer be greased with chocolate. They wanted all kinds of expensive trips, video games. Only branded clothes and shoes could come into play, as the others would look down on them in some crappy cheap stuff, and unfortunately I wouldn't have earned that much anywhere, so I stayed at that workplace.

Kevin always organized a program for the weekends, as the boys needed it too… so if I just had to work, they went somewhere without me. When I got to go with them the program was in the theater or the zoo, we went hiking, but without me there were all kinds of game rooms, football matches and movies on the show.

They slowly left out the 'how was day your mom' questions, and the kisses when I got home, before bed, and before school. 2 years ago, I also regularly ate dinners alone, because by the time I got home, they had either eaten with my mom or their buddies, or they thought I would come later and order pizza. The answer to the regular questioning for tests and homework checks in the evenings was often that 'I'm too old for this' or ' I'll do it with dad', but I thought that this behavior is age-related.

I could felt myself constantly going downhill. My private life gave me less and less strength to deal with the challenges at work. My stomach hurt more and more. A year ago, I turned to a doctor who sent me to a really nice psychologist. Dr. Levente Keve, a 34 years old, 182 cm tall, blonde, blue-eyed, thin and infinitely friendly man. I went to him on Fridays every two weeks and things showed improvement. Of course, I didn't tell my family about this so as not to cause concern for them. We soon became friends, though it was unethical, but we got along so much that somehow this relationship couldn't be limited to just 2 hours a month. Currently, he and his wife are the people I could call my friends.

Then came another slap to the face. Our regular sex life has become irregular. Kevin opened less and less to me. He had never been the kissing, hugging kind of type, I had never even heard from him say that 'I love you', but for 13 years sex in some form could never be left out. Suddenly he didn't show any will for our crazy sex marathons… of course if I made the effort, to get him in the mood, he sacrificed his seeds without complaining, but the fact that his sexual appetite reduced this much was already very conspicuous.

The old fears came back. Maybe he has someone…. but I let go of the thought, since when would he have known anyone? When would he have had time to date anyone? During the day he worked, home office here or there, and the rest of his time was filled with taking care of our children. They would have noticed if he had someone. Than when? The 2-3 hours a week he spent with his friends or when the kids were with my mom, was not enough for anything. There wasn't even a reason for that, since I've satisfied him every day. I realized he was getting old and tired, maybe because he was almost 35 years old.

It was after a birthday party. I transferred the pictures from the camera to the laptop, when I found one of the pictures taken at a not too old football game where my husband and sons were posing with a beautiful young girl. She was familiar, but I didn't know from where. However, she could not be the other woman… although I adored my husband with admiration, he was not that much good-looking guy to pick up a girl of this caliber. When I talked to Ani, Levi's wife, about my fears and showed her the picture, she knew right away who the girl was.

"Oh, this is Mili!"

"Mili?"

"Yes, the coach of the school girl's soccer team. She is very nice! She played for the women's national team before, but she had a knee injury and had to give up on her dream, I think she took over the team a year ago. Too bad she was only 25 years old… and her career already had been broken. They must have run into each other on the match and the boys wanted a picture of her… She is so pretty, no wonder a lot of teenagers are fan of her!"

She laughed.

Ani and Levi's daughters also played football, just like my sons. However, their children were only 6 and 8 years old so they did not know the boys. My family consisted of obsessed football fans, only I hung out of line, so what my friend said seemed realistic.

Then 1 month passed and my birthday came. Every year I asked for a dinner at my favorite restaurant, just like this year. My parents and kids, my husband… we all went out to dinner together. I put on my favorite white gold earrings, but it didn't locked on properly. When we got home and I noticed that the earring was missing my first thought was that it might be in the car. So at 10 in the evening I've searched through the car in the garage with a flashlight. I've found the earrings, but unfortunately it wasn't the only thing what got into my hands. I found a condom under the passenger's seat. It wasn't unpacked, but the fact that my husband stores this in his car confirmed all my fears.

'He had someone. After all, why would a married man whose wife is taking birth control pills keep a condom?'

I was dizzy for a moment. Luckily I was able to cling to the car door, but I felt that sharp pain in my stomach again… and slowly creeping up my lungs. I could barely breathe for a short time. I don't know how long I could have been in the garage by the time I managed to force myself go back to the house, Kevin was already deep asleep. I left the condom in the car and the denial came into effect.

'It must belong to the boys, or an acquaintance, or anyone. Our marriage is fine, if the one hasn't shown up so far, she won't. I'm just sensitive because of work.'

A month on the edge of sanity, dancing on a rope between truth and absurd lies. I tried not to notice what was happening. But one night, I got home sooner. Everyone was surprised, but no one jumped on my neck, 'That finally mom came home in time!' Even though I would have needed it a lot. We were able to sit down for the first time in months, and we could eat together the dinner I prepared. The boys went in a horde to wash their hands before eating, and I could only see in the corner of my eye that my husband's phone is flashing. I looked at the screen, and all I saw was 'I love you, way much better!' An SMS from someone. From someone, he could tell the phrase I love you. Luckily, there was nothing in my hand because if I had anything ,that would have been scattering on the ground.

It became clear that my days with Kevin were numbered. I forced something like a smile on my face and we sat down at the table to eat. I looked all the way through the people I loved more than anything in my life. My sons just rummaged through the food, my husband smiled nervously sometimes. By no means the picture of a happy family, I didn't understand that how I couldn't realize it sooner.

"How was your day?"

I tried to start a conversation.

"Nothing special."

Adrian replied boredly.

"The usual."

Alex didn't look at me either.

"A lot of work, but everything was fine."

Kevin smiled.

"I understand."

I waited for them to ask me back to inquire about me, but nothing happened.

Eventually, one of the boys threw in some football joke, the three of them laughed good, and I sat at the table like a stranger. Referring to fatigue, I went up to my room but could not sleep. I felt the end is here, all that was left was the question of whether he would say it or me. I kept saying to myself all night that there was nothing wrong.

' I knew exactly that this could happen sooner or later. I love him, so I have to let him be happy with whoever he is in love with. Here are the boys for me, they will help me get through this… We will be friends with Kevin too, as he will definitely want to visit the kids. Everything will be fine. I can bear with it, I'm strong.'

The next day the boys went to see a match 200 km away from home, so I stayed alone all day. And I went over to the Keve family for lunch.

In addition to the afternoon coffee, I poured out my soul in tears. They've already realized it's not just paranoia, it really was cheating.

"Isn't it just a running romance? He steps aside a few times for excitement, but then stays with you!"

Ani tried to reassure me, even though she knew having a lover wasn't a trifle that could be ignored.

"I'm afraid that's not it. He loves her, if he didn't tell me, his own wife, the mother of his children in 14 years, that he loves me, then unfortunately I have no chance against the woman. My God!"

I grabbed my head.

" To the boys… how will I tell them? They love their father!"

I cried desperately on my friends shoulder.