TBBM XX. The Hormones In Me

Dr. Gracey filled the syringe with a clear liquid from a small brown vial. And, with every ounce she transferred through the base of the needle, brought me flashbacks of every tears I shed from disapprovals, every sweat I bled from hiding and every hope in me I tried to build but crash-died every time.

She held it up in the air, triumphantly, as if saying that not all dreams were meant to die... some actually were up for grabs---only if you braced yourself for a little pain here and there. She carefully adjusted the plunger to rid it of air bubbles, so much so that it reminded me of how much I wanted to rid myself of certain parts of my body, and when I couldn't rid myself of them, how I simply wanted to disappear years back.

My father used to come home drunk as he and my mother's marriage was breaking down. He once found me trying on a pink blouse my mother bought me. Infuriated at the sight of me, he grabbed his belt that hung behind the door and started flogging me---that was the worst flogging I experienced. I ran away from home, crying my eyes out, wondering when living as one's true self was crime enough that one had to be punished for it.

I ran and ran, blindly in the rain that damp, dark night, knowing how I wanted to live, but simply not having the guts to do so; for my young hopes were tarnished by this unforgiving world; for my simple desires were trampled to the core with every disapproving stare, threatening words and cruel disinclusions. And the young me, who wandered aimlessly that night took to her prayers what peace the world had taken away from her---she was done and too exhausted, that she wished to just expire.

I lost my desire of the future, crossed the street unmindfully, until a car almost run me over.

I had the most peaceful sleep that night, maybe due to the sedatives nurses gave patients of road accidents---or maybe, I could call that His grace. I woke up to the sight of my crying mother as they treated my fractured leg in the hospital; fractured as my soul was; weak as my will to continue.

+++

The needle on my thigh pricked lightly on the muscle as memories flooded my unseeing eyes.

"Are you happy?" the doctor smiled at me. "This is it, finally!"

I nodded. I could only nod.

"This one's the estrogen. Remember I discussed to you two things you need? Estrogen and anti-androgens! The estrogen, this one I injected you, will help you grow your body more femininely---I'm talking about breast growth, hips, fat distribution to a female pattern. All people have estrogens in their bodies, its just low in men, high in women. This injectable supplement should help you grow your estrogen levels to a normal healthy girl's level. Now, the anti-androgen, these tablets, will slow your production of male hormones. Similarly, it will also make your body respond less to male hormones. You should start to feel changes in as early as a few days, hugely depends on your body's reaction to it. It varies from person to person but as I look at you, you look riped for it. Your chest has been taking form and the hips..." she looked rather more excited than I was capable of at the moment. "Oh, but, if you changed your mind about this, you can tell me and we'll stop. But if you carried on with this--- which, knowing you, feels like the option you'd take---it'd be irreversible after two years."

"H-how long does it take before I... uhm..." I was nervous to say the word. But I was sure I wanted to.

"If you're talking about getting it further to surgery... well, two years of this and living fully as a female should be pretty decent," she smiled widely, welcoming me to the new chapter.

Live fully as female---that line stuck firmly in my mind. It wasn't like I was half living my true self. I just really didn't tell most people that I'd been living as a woman. Commonly, they just guessed it right that I had better be addressed with female titles. It sucked to be just one of their few right guesses, actually. Everytime they called me 'Miss,' and their face crumpled to the edges wondering if they had made the right pronouncements, it killed me, inside. I hated being the guess everyone had to make. I wanted to be the girl that I was, and that they'd be sure of it.

+++

That night, it felt like I sank into a deep trance. It was a deep uninterrupted sleep as my head throbbed and pulsated as if something was rigging it from the inside. It wasn't really painful but it felt like a notion of being drilled into something.

It went on until the day after, along with my chest's growing sensitivity to touch.

It persisted until Monday. I woke up late for class. I opened my window and it was suddenly bright---at least, to my eyes, it was. I watched myself in the mirror as the rays of the sun touched my skin, wondering where in my body had the injected liquid gone to, now. The hormones in my body---I waited too long before I had the correct amount and type. I wasn't meant to live in a boy's body. I was meant to be a girl---I'd always been. Now, the voice in my head that laid dormant in years would have a face to call itself.

I felt much better---but really, I just wanted to fall back to sleep, again. It seemed like I needed so much rest.

"Can you get up?" my mother's voice was suddenly careful. "It doesn't hurt anywhere, does it?"

"No, mom," I answered weakly. "I just really needed allot of sleep, maybe."

I ended up calling in sick for the rest of that week. As I saw it, my body would've been hungry for hormones after being stifled by the blockers for years. I wasn't sick. But my body seemed to need so much rest as my insides devoured every new hormones it could find.

My mother ended up buying me multiple supplements other than my staple calcium tablets. She made me take Vitamin C, A & E supplements. Frankly, she was more excited than me.

"Take this, my daughter," she called me 'my daughter' even more frequently now. "Everything's organic. It's good for you."

She also brought me a few pairs of clothes---dresses, even. I wasn't sure I was ready to wear them, despite how much I fancied.

"Are you happy?" my mother finally asked. I could sense worry in her face so I moved my head over to her lap, as she sat at the edge of my bed. "I knew you'd eventually take this way. You looked really serious with James."

"Not about James, mom," I said, quietly. "This is about me."

"Right... well," her shoulders untensed as she caressed my hair.

"Mom," I called up to her. "Do you think He hates me now officially?"

"Who? Your father?"

"And God---"

"Sshhh..." she shushed. "They might actually be just as happy. Nothing beats a girl living unpretentiously. Always remember that. And, remember too, your mother will always support you, as long as I can comprehend it---maybe even when I can't."

I cried quiet tears as my mother talked life to my bothered heart. It was satisfying. It was relieving. I was so much more blessed than other kids my age for they didn't have a supportive family like my mother was.

I smiled contently, until darkness covered me.